Why Always Being 'The Sexy One' RUINS Your Chance For Real Love

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too sexy

Who are you trying to attract?

Let me start by telling you how magnificent you are. If you're a woman over 40 and reading this, that tells me that you are all the more spectacular. Really, it does!

One of the reasons finding love over 40 can be the most gratifying time of all is that you know your sphere of power. You’ve learned you're only in control of you, no one else. Life has taught you that you cannot control co-workers, friends, and especially the men you date or marry. (Though I’m quite sure you occasionally try.)

You also know that with that self-control comes personal responsibility, and you know you have the power to create a happy and full life for yourself instead of living one of disappointment and scarcity. This is why I’ve written this series on "FemiTypes."

But I want to be sure you know this: You are worthy of love, just as you are. I doubt there's a woman alive who doesn’t display any of the actions of my FemiTypes ever. (I know I certainly have and still do at times.) The Princess, The 18 Year Old, The Scaredy Cat, The Wow Me Woman, The Bitter Gal and the Sex Pot live or have lived in all of us.

But this only makes you human. Not wrong. Not bad. Not anywhere near unlovable. Changing behavior for most of us is about just that; it’s not about some fundamental flaw we have as a woman.

My wish is for you to spend the rest of your life with a man who absolutely adores you and with whom you feel safe and understood. Solely in the interest of helping you find that love do I ask you to take a look at how the behaviors of these FemiTypes may mirror some of your bad love habits. This is likely what is standing in your way of getting what you want.

So, here we go. Here's everything you need to know about the Sex Pot FemiType:

We all know her. She dresses a little too young. Her dress is a little too tight, too short, showing a tad too much cleavage and her lipstick is the brightest of reds. Each, on their own, isn't a big deal, but combined it's just over the top and TOO sexy, especially on a supposedly grownup woman.

This woman leads with her sexuality. She learned at an early age that sex was the way to attract a man. And it works! But she has not yet learned that it’s not the way to attract a relationship.

Listen, I’m all for women having fun in bed and enjoying all the sex they want. Some women want this time in their lives to explore and enjoy their sexuality. I say go for it! But be careful and know that luring men in using your sexuality will most likely NEVER lead you to love.

The problem is that the Sex Pot wants a relationship, but believes sex is the way to a man’s heart. She measures her self-worth by how men respond to her sexually. Her underlying belief is probably that if she doesn't act sexy, she doesn’t have much else to offer to get attention from men. And she just doesn’t know any other way.

As her wrinkles deepen, her thighs sag and her waistline thickens, she becomes more sexually assertive. She needs confirmation that she still “has it.” It can be sad and seen by men as being desperate and a little immature.

A lot of men see the Sex Pot's behavior as a turn off because of this, and the ones who don't usually aren't the good guys.

The Sex Pot attracts the Cads, the Sharks and the Pingers. They take her bait, use her and follow up only when they want more sex or maybe just a stroke of their egos.

These users spot this FemiType a mile away. She makes excuses for them when they disappoint her, and because she's ever hopeful it may turn into a real relationship, she willingly accepts the next booty call.

When she stops to think about it, she feels used and empty. But she doesn’t often stop long since she's almost always on the hook with some guy she thinks has potential. She needs that to boost her confidence. And when he dumps her, she feels used and blames him for being a liar and user.

Ultimately The Sex Pot doesn’t change because she doesn’t know any other way to attract or maintain a relationship with a man. She equates sex with love, which is probably something she learned as a teenager and still believes as truth. She is clueless to the fact that men of any age do not equate sex and love and that sexual attraction is just that. Period.

The Sexpot’s idea of intimacy has not been updated since her 20s. (Though she is more skilled, which the men surely appreciate!) She treats any performance issue as a huge deal. She's usually less than diplomatic with this sensitive, very common male issue.

Sexpot Rehab

Like all of us, the Sex Pot wants true love and acceptance. She just doesn’t know how to attract and nurture it. Her first step toward this is finding her true self-worth beyond her sexuality.

Step 1 of my practical and proven 6-Step Find Hope and then Find Him system is all about getting to know and falling in love with yourself. This step is the key to the Sex Pot (and all other grownup women looking for love) moving away from her bad love habits and into a satisfying relationship.

After she's clear on all the wonderful things she has to offer, she needs to step back from her 18-year-old version of what she wants in a guy. Step 2 of my Find Hope and then Find Him program will help her get crystal clear about the man and relationship that will truly make her happy for the long run (rather than for a night or a month).

When the Sex Pot meets a grownup guy she likes, consciously holding off on initiating sex is important so she can start breaking her habits. One huge advantage of looking for love over 40 is that mature, grownup guys will wait to have sex if they are interested in you as a partner. I hear this constantly from men.

To reiterate: if you just want to enjoy sex at this time of your life, I say go for it! But if you’re looking for love, it’s not the place to start. Getting to know someone stimulates the biggest sex organ of all: the brain! When you start there, relationships are created.

Bobbi Palmer, founder of Date Like A Grownup is an internationally recognized Expert helping women over 40 find grownup, lasting, passionate love with the right man. As a first time bride at 47, Bobbi shares her compassionate but powerful advice in her free video series "The 4 Devastating Mistakes Women in their Search for Love" at DateLikeaGrownup.com.