3 Signs A Person's Big Heart Is Their Biggest Problem, According To Psychology
The hazards of caring too much.
Ammie Ngo | Canva Of all of the emotions that we humans experience, one is generally believed by psychologists, psychiatrists, therapists, and neuroscientists alike to rise above the rest: Empathy.
The actual definition of empathy is the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner
Study after study has shown empathy’s surprising power. Empathy can motivate a wife to protect her husband, spur a man to care for his elderly mother, and even reduce the pain of an electric shock. If you’re a parent, you must have it for your children in order to raise them to be healthy and strong adults.
Most people would never think of it, but there are also times when having a big heart is a problem. This best part of the human spirit can turn against us and, unchecked, it can damage both the empathizer and the recipient. Being aware of the risks of empathy gone bad is both incredibly important and vastly helpful.
Here are three signs a person's big heart is their biggest problem, according to psychology:
1. You feel someone’s emotions so deeply you become blinded by them
Too much empathy is a problem that can allow unhealthy or damaging behaviors to continue when they really shouldn’t. Example: Judy’s empathy is getting in her way because it’s preventing her from setting limits with Tom.
Tom needs to hear Judy say, “I can’t take your drinking anymore. It’s hurting the kids and me, and it’s hurting you. I need you to deal with your drinking problem. Now.” And he needs her to mean it.
But Judy feels so much of Tom’s pain that she can’t make herself hold him accountable. This is where empathy becomes enabling and how it can harm everyone involved.
While empathy can be a valuable trait that fosters social connections and cooperation, some research argues that unregulated empathy can have detrimental effects on an individual's well-being. It's important to develop healthy boundaries and coping mechanisms to prevent empathic distress and maintain a balanced approach to understanding and responding to the emotions of others.
2. You empathize with the emotions of someone who doesn’t deserve it
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Misdirected empathy makes the empathizer vulnerable to exploitation by the recipient. Example: Now an adult, Todd is unable to hold his father accountable for the damage he is doing to himself and his siblings.
He’s essentially giving his father a “pass” for his bad behavior because of his empathy for him. In this way, Todd’s empathy is misplaced.
By failing to protect himself from his father’s bad behavior, Todd is risking his own happiness and health (and that of his younger siblings). For this he will, all his life, pay a heavy price.
3. You're too indiscriminate with your empathy
You offer it too freely to too many people. When your empathy is free for the asking, you end up giving too much to too many people. Example: Tina has multiple responsibilities in her life — her children, her husband, her ICU patients, and herself.
Yet none of these people gets as much of her time and energy as they deserve. That’s because Tina’s inability to let others manage their own stress and problems leads her to spread herself too thin.
Depleted by the demands, Tina often feels exhausted and irritable around her children and husband. She wonders why she keeps gaining weight and why there are dark circles under her eyes.
Judy is enabling her husband, Todd is failing to protect himself, and Tina is harming herself (and by extension, her family) by over-extending herself to others.
Research encourages the development of self-awareness, practicing self-care, and learning to set healthy boundaries are crucial for managing empathy effectively. In extreme cases, empathy, or rather a distorted form of it, can be a prerequisite for deliberate acts of cruelty, humiliation, and even violence.
How to keep your empathy pure and healthy — and make it work for your benefit:
- Be aware of when you’re feeling empathy and for whom. Make sure that the person receiving it deserves it.
- Keep your empathy in check. Make sure it doesn’t prevent you from holding a loved one accountable for his or her actions.
- Always prioritize your own needs. Take care of yourself before you care for others. That way you’ll be sure that your empathy can’t harm you.
Jonice Webb, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist and best-selling author of two self-help books. She specializes in childhood emotional neglect, relationships, communication issues, and mental health. Dr. Webb has appeared on CBS News and NPR, and her work has been cited by many publications.
