5 Things Quietly Messy People Do In Relationships To Cause Drama
These behaviors stir up chaos and cause tension in relationships.
AnimGraph Lab | Pexels Many of us are subconsciously looking for chaos in relationships. It seems counterintuitive because we believe that all we want is a healthy relationship, but we just can’t have one amid major drama.
Until I got into a healthy relationship, I didn't know I was someone who thrived on drama in relationships. Chaos was exciting and adrenaline-producing, and it kept things spicy, which I liked.
It also prevented me from finding happiness with another person. Are you subconsciously looking for chaos in your relationship? Knowing the signs will help you know if you are and, if you want to, figure out how not to be a quietly messy person who causes drama in relationships.
Here are five things quietly messy people do in relationships to cause drama:
1. They purposely ignore their better judgement
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Are you one of those people who sees red flags and who purposely ignores them? Do you see that your new person is still stuck on their ex, struggling to keep a job or has a temper, or tries to control you?
Do all of your friends tell you that those are red flags and that you should run? Do you ignore everyone, because this person, in spite of their red flags, is exciting?
When I was single and dating, I met a cute guy. He made me laugh. The intimacy was great. But I could see a few red flags right away: He drank too much. Someone to who he was engaged to walk away. He wasn’t talking to any of his neighbors. He had jumped from job to job.
I saw those red flags and I ignored them. It didn’t take long for our relationship to descend into chaos. Unfortunately, that kept me from finding the relationship that I was looking for. Walking away from him was what I needed to do to find one.
2. They bail as soon as the excitement fades
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Are you one of those people who doesn’t stay in a relationship very long? Do you meet someone, fall quickly, get into an intense relationship, and then run, screaming, when the honeymoon phase ends?
I have a client who does this every time. She tends to meet the same kind of guys online, ones who, like her, fall quickly and hard. We have long conversations about how wonderful a certain someone is and how she can see them lasting a lifetime.
And then, within a few months, something shifts. Everything that she liked about her guy before starts to grate on her. She pulls back from him and starts acting passive-aggressively. This confuses her guy and he gets clingy. That pushes her away further and they start to fight. Things go from bad to worse until, one day, she just ghosts him and walks away.
And what does she walk to? Another man to become obsessed with, at least temporarily. My client says that she wants a healthy relationship more than anything but she thrives on the chaos of a messy one, subconsciously sabotaging any chance of it becoming one that sticks.
While walking away from abusive or toxic relationships is a sign of strength and self-respect, consistently abandoning relationships without effort or a clear rationale could indicate underlying issues with attachment, intimacy, or conflict resolution, a 2016 study found.
3. They don't have a firm line between friendly and flirty
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For many people, a healthy relationship is a goal but a healthy relationship is boring. As a result, they try to spice things up by bringing chaos into the relationship. And what better way to introduce chaos into a relationship than cheating on your partner?
I have a client who is a chronic cheater. She loves her husband very much but, after 15 years of marriage, she is bored. They have a house and kids and friends and work but their relationship is stale. So, she cheats.
My client travels a lot and she has a man in nearly every port. All of these men know that she is married and that is generally fine with the guys. They meet, they have dinner and drinks and intimacy, and then she goes on her merry way.
And this is exciting for her. And it also causes chaos. Chaos because she knows that what she is doing is wrong. Chaos because when she is with these men her husband can’t reach her and that makes him angry. Chaos because sometimes these men want more.
Chaos because she is balancing a lot of different lives and keeping track of them is exhausting. And, while the chaos keeps her life from being boring, the chaos is also sucking the life out of her and her marriage. So, if you are one of those people who habitually cheats, you might be someone who is subconsciously looking for chaos in your relationship.
4. They find comfort in chaos
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Before I got into a healthy relationship, I thrived on drama. Any kind of drama. And if there wasn’t any drama in my relationship, I made some.
I had a boyfriend whom I adored. He was a wonderful man and our relationship was one that other people saw as very healthy. And I was so happy that I was with him, but I couldn’t get used to being content in a good relationship.
So, I would create drama. And, boy, did it work. My boyfriend was not happy with the choices I made, and he let me know it. There was lots of door slamming and name calling and break-up promises. He gave me the silent treatment and slept in the other room.
Feeling comfortable in high-drama situations can indicate a pattern of seeking out or perpetuating unhealthy relationship dynamics, often rooted in past experiences or vulnerabilities. A 2016 study found that while conflict itself can be a part of relationships, a constant state of chaos and drama is generally detrimental to well-being and hinders the development of healthy, stable connections.
While I hated the fact that I had let my boyfriend down, deep down I welcomed the drama, that break from the everyday steadiness of my relationship. I knew that we would get through it — we always did — so I relished the short-term chaos.
Unfortunately, this wonderful man could only handle my drama for so long and, ultimately, broke up with me. So, if you are someone who likes to create drama in a relationship, you are most likely someone who is subconsciously looking for chaos.
5. They get bored when things don't feel intense
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If you find that you crave the intensity of make-up or break-up drama, you just might be someone who thrives on chaos. Now that you know the signs that you might subconsciously be looking for chaos in your relationship, do any of them ring true? Are you recognizing that, perhaps, the choices that you are making are the reason that you can’t get into a healthy relationship?
Fortunately, knowing what these signs mean is the first step toward breaking the pattern. Having awareness is the key way to making change. People who look for chaos in relationships are often people who have dealt with things in their lives that have made them ill-prepared for a healthy relationship.
I know that in my life, my parents set a horrible example of what a healthy relationship looked like. They both cheated and fought regularly. When they got divorced it was acrimonious and their new partners were toxic. As a result, when it was time for me to get into a romantic relationship, I had no idea what to do.
What I know now is that, by creating chaos in a relationship, I was able to protect myself from fully giving someone my heart, to making myself vulnerable to being hurt. By ignoring red flags, cheating, and creating drama in general, I could protect my heart from being damaged the way my parents had been damaged. Awareness of these patterns was key to my starting fresh and drama-free.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, Psych Central, among many others.
