9 Ways You Unknowingly And Actively Sabotage Yourself From Finding Love Again After Divorce

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dating after divorce
Love, Self

You are your own worst enemy.

If you're divorced, it's normal to wonder if you're going to ever love someone again and have that person love you.

Doubting love and the longevity of relationships is normal. But if you're one of those people who have decided that you want to try dating after divorce and find a lasting love, you need to make sure you're approaching love the right way, and not from dysfunction.

Many of us struggle with issues such as trust, confidence and commitment after our marriages fail, but it's how you manage those issues that make you succeed — or lose — in love.

RELATED: 17 Essential Rules For Dating After Divorce

Here are 9 ways you keep yourself from finding love after divorce.

1. You have flimsy boundaries with your ex.

You're divorced, but your boundaries with your ex are fragile. You two are too invested in each other's lives, or perhaps, you're too invested in continuing to fight with each other.

This type of emotional friction keeps you from finding love. You need to stop the battle or stop the emotional investment in your ex in order to move on.

2. You'll settle for anyone.

If you settle for anyone, you'll fall for anything — lies and crappy people, too. Does this sound like you? Dating jerk after jerk. Finding toxic men. Wondering, "Why do I have bad luck?"

It's not your luck, it's that, instead of being patient and observing each partner with a clear eye, you ignore the red flags and hop into relationships with people who aren't worth your time. Your lack of discernment hurts you. It comes from a place of need.

3. You're needy and reliant on another person to make your life worthwhile.

Instead of giving yourself a great life and asking someone to join you in it, you're looking for someone to make your life worth living. This is a huge problem.

No one can make your world happy. Only you can. If you're not happy, no one will come along, sweep you off your feet and make you glow with joy. That joy comes from within.

4­. You're not over your marriage, and you talk about it constantly.

Your marital wounds are fresh, even though it's been years since it's been over. You can't help but rehash the past. You're living with a ghost, and no good and stable partner is going to want to enter into your "ghostly world" in which you're still struggling to let go.

5. You're a Negative Nancy.

You'll never meet anyone. Everyone sucks. No one is good enough. Everyone cheats. Blah, blah, blah, blah. Your negativity is a blaring red flag to anyone who is wonderful and good. You assume the worst and you attract the worst. No one stable wants to be around that.

RELATED: 9 BIGGEST Mistakes Men Make When Dating After Divorce (And How To Avoid Them)

6. You assume any potential love interest is like your ex.

Do you assume everyone is a worthless slime? Are you insecure and constantly assuming this new person will cheat on you? Those old marital hurts have to go. Not everyone is like your ex. If you're still licking old wounds, you need to heal before you even try your luck at dating after divorce.

7. You date the same person over and over again.

If you were married to a narcissist, you keep dating narcissists. If your ex-wife was cold and distant, your dates are all the same.

You keep meeting the same "issues" and dating them. You haven't resolved the reason that you keep picking people like this, and therefore, you keep running into the same crap repeatedly. Until you fix yourself, you'll keep attracting the worst.

8­. You have extremely low self-esteem.

You doubt your own worth. You don't believe in yourself. You don't think anyone will ever love you, and therefore, no one does.

Why should anyone love you if you don't realize how great you are to begin with? You need to love yourself and that light from within will shine forward and attract another "bright light."

9. You don't put in the effort.

Because you're afraid, you don't put in the effort. You make excuses as to why you haven't met anyone, when really, you're afraid to put yourself out there and be hurt. Until you conquer the reasons for that, you'll never find success in love.

RELATED: 5 HUGE Mistakes You're Making That'll Keep You A Single Mom FOREVER

Laura Lifshitz will work for chocolate. The former MTV personality and Columbia University graduate is currently writing about divorce, sex, women’s issues, fitness, parenting, marriage and more for YourTangoNew York Times, DivorceForce, Women’s Health, Working Mother, Pop Sugar, and more. Her own website is frommtvtomommy.com.