The Real Reason Women DO NOT Want to Go Hiking With You

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Why Sapiosexual Women Do NOT Want To Go Hiking On The First Date
Love, Sex

Hint: it has NOTHING to do with being lazy.

Since moving to Portland, I've shared an observation/question about online dating several times:

"So, I don't hike, camp or 'go to shows." According to online dating this means I do nothing ... am I just weird?"

I guess it’s not that I full-stop don’t do these things, it’s just that I don’t want to do these things on a date, especially not the first date. Nor do I want to bowl, golf, parasail, jog, sculpt or anything else that you’ve read about in one of those “10 Unique Date Ideas” articles.

I really don’t do “activity” dates.

Now that I’m sounding kind of lazy, let’s sweeten that pot, shall we? I also don’t want to go see a movie, show, play or sporting event with you — nothing where we sit next to each other and watch something without talking.

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So now I think we’re seeing why, according to the world of online dating, I appear to do nothing.

I will now describe for you what my ideal first date looks like ...

We sit down with a couple of drinks and talk. We talk A LOT.

That’s it.

Well, OK, that's not it, but on paper that is the actual itinerary for our date.

I’ll get to the "why" in a moment, but first, I’m going to tell you about one of the hottest things a man has ever said to me.

It came not in the throes of passion and not even in a moment of seduction per se, but rather in the midst of an especially enjoyable conversation. It was the kind of conversation that you never want to end and that feels like it actually does have the potential to go on forever because even as the subject changes the feeling stays the same.

We were both so engaged, so excited by everything the other was saying, that I kept having these moments of being genuinely impressed by this man’s ability to give me a whole new way to see things with so few words.

The feeling was apparently mutual because, at one point on the way to refill our drinks, he passed my chair, leaned in and said these words:

“I want to kiss your mind.”

Holy hell were those the right words to say to an unrepentant sapiosexual!

This is why I don’t want to hike with you.

This is why I might come off as super-boring when you ask me out.

And this is why all I want is to sit across from you (with a drink, please) and talk.

I don’t want to come out of a date knowing what some trail looked like, how some band sounded or whether some new movie sucked. I want to come out of it knowing YOU.

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I talk a lot about my introverted nature and my general feelings of “stranger danger” and I know it makes it sound like I hide from new people as a rule, but the truth is I thrive on one-on-one interaction and I go into meeting people looking for real, genuine connections.

I've also talked about the fact that I do have sex on the first date and I may have sounded a bit blasé — as if the sex was the goal and the people were inconsequential. But I only get to the sex if I feel that connection. I've only gotten there when my mind has been turned on and when I’ve talked to someone until I couldn’t NOT kiss them anymore.

Like many people I know, I've talked a lot about the stuff I don’t want on a date, but I don’t always make it clear enough what I DO want.

What I DO want is to cut out the bullshit and see who you are.

The way I see it if I’m into you (and vice versa) there will be plenty of time later for hiking, movies, LARPing, sculpture, parkour, whatever ... but on that first date, I want to see if the really important part works.

And no, I'm not talking about sex. (I know that’s what you’re all thinking.)

I want to know if we get each other.

I want to know if we intellectually stimulate each other. I want to know that when I geek out about sex or explain the grammar involved in my tattoo, I’m not going to lose you. I want to know what you geek out about — and if you are out with me there’s a 98.73% chance you are extremely geeky about something (#geekfreak).

I want to get a glimpse at how you see the world. I want to see how your brain works.

I want to know if I want to kiss your mind.

I know, it sounds scary.

Let me put it another way ...

I want to have a beer with you.


JoEllen Notte is a writer, speaker, and researcher who has been writing about sex, mental health, vibrators and how none of us are broken on her award-winning site, The Redhead Bedhead, since 2012. She is currently working on her first book, "The Monster Under The Bed: Sex, Depression, And The Conversations We Aren't Having."

This article was originally published at The RedHead Bedhead. Reprinted with permission from the author.