3 Ways To Rebuild Your Relationship When You Stop Trusting Him


Your spouse didn't cheat, but you still don't trust them. Rebuild your relationship in 3 steps.

He didn't cheat, but he still broke your heart.

The wounds of an affair are usually deep, lingering, and painful. But infidelity isn't the only way to create trust issues and put a relationship in danger. Betrayals come in many forms and degrees of intensity.

Someone can betray you a little at a time and in very subtle ways, or someone can betray you with one huge decision.

Whether it is gradual or comes on all-at-once, a non-affair betrayal hurts. It can leave a couple feeling like strangers and maybe even enemies. When this type of betrayal happens in your love relationship or marriage, you begin to doubt everything you thought you knew about your partner.

The question, "What else has he been lying to me about?" constantly looms over you.

Of course, it's not just men who lie, deceive, hide the truth, or break important agreements. Women do it, too. Sometimes, people don't intend to betray the one they love. Sometimes, people think they are protecting or doing "what's best," but their actions end up damaging trust and hurting their spouse or partner.

What does a betrayal look like?

  • Neglecting to tell you about a conversation with an ex.
  • Saying one thing and doing something completely different.
  • Undermining a parenting decision you initially made together.
  • Making a promise and not following through.
  • Taking on secret credit cards to hide purchases (and debt).
  • Harsh, insensitive, or critical statements made about you—to your face or to someone else.

Regardless of whether the betrayal relates to your finances, how you parent, relationships with extended family, or what your partner says about you personally, the blow comes from finding out that your partner said or did (or thinks) something that runs counter to what you thought was true.

What you thought was something you could rely on about your partner, and your relationship is suddenly (or not-so-suddenly) ripped out from under you. It's unsettling and upsetting.

Depending on the level of betrayal, you might ask yourself whether or not you should even stay in the relationship.

If you love your partner, but don't think you can trust him or her, this is serious business that you need to address ASAP. Whether your impulse is to bolt and leave, or to stick things out no matter what, spend some time considering what is healthy and truly in your best interest.

If you choose to stay, then do whatever you can to get into trust-healing mode.

Use these strategies to make that shift and to move forward:

1. Get clear about what's true now. Betrayal can disrupt everything. All aspects of your daily life, even those that don't seem directly related to your relationship, feel turned upside down. You are questioning all that you used to take for granted and are not sure what you can believe anymore.

Now more than ever, it's vital for you to keep your focus trained on what's true at this moment. Keep returning to the facts you have—those that can be verified and can affirm to yourself are true—and keep coming back to them. This means resist the urge to guess at "what he really means."

2. Actively forgive. There is some amount of backward-looking that's inevitable after a betrayal. Maybe you just want to understand what motivated your partner to say or do what he did; maybe you want to be sure there's nothing more you should know about.

Allow yourself to have the feelings you're having, which may mean you are pissed off or you're grieving what seems to have been lost. Don't, however, let yourself get stuck in the past.

Find a balance that works for you and allows room for you to release your feelings (in a way that doesn't do further damage to you or to your partner), and also helps you return to the present moment with the intention to forgive.

3. Create trust-building benchmarks. To forgive does NOT mean that you agree with or condone whatever your partner did. Moving forward in a smart way involves rebuilding trust so that it is stronger than ever before.

Create agreements with your partner that are specific, doable, and that you can see are being followed (or aren't being followed). These can be benchmarks to help you notice the improvements that are happening.

Don't use an "agreement" to punish your partner, but do use it as an opportunity to prove to each other that you're making significant changes taking your relationship in the direction you want to go.

Trust can feel fragile, especially after a betrayal. It's important to make sure you're communicating and acting in ways that will repair the damage and bring you two closer together again. In our free report, we help you set a course to rebuild trust for a happier, healthier relationship.