How To Know If Jealousy Is Low-Key Killing Your Relationships

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deal with jealousy

JEALOUSY! This is a big relationship issue that can easily cause major relationship problems

Jealousy is the green, fire-breathing monster lying in wait to devour relationships! Is it just waiting for an opportunity to put an end to yours?

Jealousy is within you. It has nothing to do with your partner. No matter what your partner does, you still feel jealous UNLESS you track it down, dissect it, and reduce it to a speck of its former power!

Jealous people are:

  • Suspicious
  • Accusatory
  • Smothering
  • Blaming
  • Shaming
  • Manipulative

That last one is really BIG! Jealous people are FEARFUL.

They are afraid of being betrayed, making a mistake, not being "in the know," left, lost, abandoned, and wrong. It's all about them. That other poor partner has nothing to do with it at all!

(Now, just in case you're about to go off the deep end and yell at me "But, s/he cheated" — that situation is not about jealousy. That is about actual behavior that took place, that now needs attention and relationship help.)

Jealousy is not about something that really happened. It's more a fear that something could happen. It worms its way up from within you, looking suspiciously at your partner over your shoulder at all times. Jealousy is an inside job.

It is your insecurities tying you up in knots and spitting them out at your partner. Again, it has nothing to do with your partner.

Dr. Phil is correct when he says, "Jealousy is a poorly disguised need for power and control."  

Here are some telling relationship questions to help you come to terms with jealousy:

  • Do you have a need to know where your partner is at every minute?
  • Do you suspect the worst when your partner is out of your sight?
  • Do you think that every person your partner meets is out to seduce them?

If so, you've got a problem!

Because jealousy will drive your partner away. Even if your partner has never strayed in thought, word, or deed, your suspicious behavior may drive them to it.

If s/he is being accused of cheating all the time, they might take that as you telling them to go ahead. After all, it won't make any difference if they did or didn't! You'll still be jealous. (If your partner uses your suspicious nature as a reason to cheat, you two both need help! But, that's a topic for another day.)

Sometimes people are as jealous of their partners as they were of other children taking away their mother's attention. There's a clue in there. Maybe, you didn't get the attention you wanted before, and now you feel no one could possibly love you enough to be faithful.

Notice, I said you "feel" that way. Feelings are not facts. You are entitled to your feelings but you must examine them for evidence in reality that they are accurate. Jealous people usually can't find that evidence.

Jealous people are hurting people: they both hurt others, and are hurting themselves. 

If you are jealous, get some help.

Your friends or relatives cannot help you with this. You need to uncover the causes and lay them to rest once and for all. It's not easy and it can happen.

I had a client who started her first session with, "I am so jealous. I know it will ruin my relationship. I cannot stop. Please help."

She was really in pain and her partner was threatening to leave for the last time. She was willing to change to keep her jealousy from ruining her relationship. Wise woman.

Are you too jealous to let love in? Are you letting jealousy cause serious relationship problems?

You don't have to. You can get relationship help to find out where that jealousy came from, where it's hiding, and why it sneaks its head out to devour your relationship. It will devour you, too, if you let it.

Don't let jealousy ruin your relationship and your life. Stop it now. 

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Rhoberta Shaler, PhD, The Relationship Help Doctor, is a relationship consultant, educator and speaker. Author of sixteen books, she helps the partners, exes, adult children, and co-workers of the relentlessly difficult and disturbing people she calls “Hijackals™” to save their sanity and stop the crazy-making. Get her free ebook, How To Spot A Hijackal, at Visit her website:

This article was originally published at For Relationship Help . Reprinted with permission from the author.