People With These 5 Traits Are More Likely To Attract Abusive Partners, According To A Therapist
These traits can make someone a target for toxic, controlling relationships.
LOOK | Canva You thought it'd be different this time. You did. But here you are, yet again, the victim in a string of emotionally abusive relationships. Since this has happened before, you might even be wondering if it was something you did that led to this emotional abuse.
Why can't you attract healthy relationships instead of toxic ones? Abusive relationships, in which you become victimized, are an easy cycle to get into. Perhaps you are in a toxic relationship where you feel stuck and disrespected. Or maybe you find yourself going from one person to the next, always feeling mistreated. Here are the five traits most likely to attract abusive partners, according to a therapist.
1. You rationalize things you shouldn't tolerate
If you grew up in an abusive dynamic, it can become a "familiar" environment. Without meaning to, you can end up seeking out these negative people because they feel comfortable around you.
You don't want to be abused, but you keep finding reasons to stay. Excuses to give. Explanations for why they aren't as bad as all that.
But you're likely just following the same pattern in relationships you've been taught since you were young. You might even choose to stay in a familiar environment until it becomes so difficult to endure that you must try something new.
2. You frequently play the victim
absolut via Shutterstock
A coping mechanism for living in an abusive environment is taking on the victim persona. It can feel like an easy way to manage the abuse, and even be a way to garner sympathy from your abuser.
Perhaps there was some acknowledgment of your victimization at some point that felt good — like someone being kind and helping when you needed it — and you want to hold onto that feeling. Maybe you saw other victims getting sympathy, and you wanted sympathy, too.
Whatever the reason, you continue to seek the reward that made you feel good, especially when you're dealing with the real pain of attracting abusive people into your life. This reaction typically happens on a deeply subconscious level, so you might not even realize you're doing it at first.
Once you understand it, however, you can choose to change and put the power back in your hands. Psychotherapist Nancy Carbone advised, "By ignoring your internal critic, you will continue to self-sabotage unless you deal with the critical part of you. It's time to start listening to yourself and examining your habits and thought patterns critically. Living within the victim mentality will continue to bring unwelcome outcomes if you can't change your perspective."
3. You're afraid of being single
One of the first things that gets you into trouble is being desperate for love, acceptance, or even physical intimacy. You might feel this desperation and subconsciously project it out to the world around you.
This can result in picking up the wrong kind of people who think you don't deserve anything other than their bare minimum. You might also not pay attention to big red warning flags in a relationship because you don't want to be alone.
If you recognize these behaviors, don’t judge yourself too harshly. It’s an easy pattern for abuse victims to fall into, whether it's been going on for a few months or even decades. Instead, observe and learn from your mistakes; unfold the pattern until you understand it and can choose what kind of relationship you want.
4. You ache for love but question if you're worthy of it
fizkes via Shutterstock
When your self-esteem is damaged, you'll start to put more weight on emotions like sadness, anger, worry, and fear. These emotions start to create an energetic vibration that you're broadcasting to the people around you.
In terms of your energy, like attracts like. So, if you don't feel you deserve love, how will you convince someone else to love you properly?
If you're putting this negative energy and vibrations out into the world, you'll also be attracting people with the same vibrations. This gets problematic. You will attract a person who feels like they can attack you verbally, physically, or even emotionally. They'll likely project their abuser onto you and treat you accordingly.
These situations can make you feel stuck, threatened, and hopeless. The great news is that when you recognize what's happening and your role in it, you can turn the tables on the situation. You can take control of your life, your emotions, and even your relationships.
Life coach Kelly Rudolph suggested that by focusing on "me time, positive self-talk, and deleting what drags you down — you will feel much more valuable and better about yourself. As you continue, these things will get easier because you will feel and see the positive impact on your life. After all, taking care of you is a necessity for now, not a luxury for later."
5. You feel like you deserve unhappiness
People who are stuck in a victim persona tend to lack self-esteem and self-love, and getting out of the victim mindset starts with learning to love yourself as you are.
Changing this dynamic is the key to getting out of an abusive situation and into a healthier one. Loving yourself can be a long process, but it’s about shifting your focus over time, giving yourself grace for mistakes, and learning to accept yourself for who you are, right now, mistakes and all.
If you grew up with emotional abuse, you're probably overly critical of yourself. Perhaps you're projecting the love you should be giving to yourself onto others, and the wrong people are answering. "Self-criticism is conceptualized as a safety strategy designed to conceal flaws and prevent further experiences of shame," stated research in Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy. "However, self-criticism maintains negative self-perceptions and insecurity in social situations."
Become aware of how you speak to yourself. If you judge your actions harshly, ask yourself, "If another person did that same thing, would I judge them in the same way? Do I want to be judged like that?"
We are all learning and growing by making mistakes; it’s a lifelong process! Go easy on yourself. It can be hard to recognize the signs of emotional abuse, but your role as the victim of emotionally abusive relationships likely started with your parental figure of the gender you're attracted to.
Because the parent-child relationship involves such an imbalance of power, it is easy for a dynamic of abuse to develop from an early age, even if emotionally abusive parents didn't raise you.
This can cause trauma and lead to a wide range of problems down the line when you're trying to create healthy relationships as an adult, because once you're accustomed to emotionally abusive relationships, you're more likely to attract them. A 2021 study showed, "Child maltreatment experiences that spanned several developmental periods, including both early and later childhood stages, predicted a cascade of both internalizing and externalizing symptoms in childhood that eventuated in greater symptoms of anxiety, depression, substance use disorder, and antisocial personality disorder in emerging adulthood."
People magnetize abusers because it’s what they feel they deserve, even if, honestly, deep down, they only want the love and honest affection they feel was denied to them.
There is nothing wrong with loving yourself and treating yourself with respect. You know you deserve love, so start by giving it to yourself. Give yourself the love and respect that you deserve, and you will notice that others do, too. Focus on yourself, your energy. Feed yourself on all levels: body, mind, and spirit.
Love is just an energy, and the more you grow it, the more you will attract it. Don’t worry about being selfish because the more you love yourself, the more you can love others. Practice makes perfect! When you are so full of self-love that it's overflowing, you'll be able to give love to others in a new, meaningful way. That is how to get the loving, healthy relationship you want!
Jade Lotus is a therapist and meditation teacher. She specializes in enabling clients to find solutions to their traumas with a focus on healing.
