Your Mother Did A Great Job Raising You If She Taught You These 11 Things About Who To Love
Mother knows best, especially when it comes to your love life.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock Dating apps, articles, and even reality TV shows always ask what people look for in a relationship. The answers are usually the same: They want someone who can make them laugh, who they can have fun with, and who will be their best friend. But what someone should be looking for goes deeper than finding a best friend or good provider — it's what most of our mothers taught us. And your mother did a great job raising you if she taught you these things about who to love.
Our moms are great and give us plenty of advice when we are growing up, and sometimes they hit the nail on the head when it comes to relationship advice. While financial security and love are important, it's essential to dig deeper and think about the lessons our mothers taught us in order to build the life we want with the person we adore most.
Your mother did a great job raising you if she taught you these 11 things about who to love
1. Find someone who loves you unconditionally
mavo | Shutterstock
Many people who are in toxic relationships are with someone whose love for them goes up and down. One day, their partner declares love, and the next day, after doing something annoying, the person they love treats them like the lowest person on the planet. This is not okay and not something anyone should look for in a long-term partner.
A mother should teach her child to find someone who loves them unconditionally — when they're happy, sad, depressed, annoying, and everything in between. A person who loves you unconditionally will accept and love you even when you go to parties without them, take a solo trip, or are simply having an off day.
2. Be with a person who is willing to address issues and resolve them
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock
When couples get into arguments, it's easy for one or both partners' minds to go completely blank. They have no idea what to say or do at that moment. But if your mother taught you that a partner should resolve issues instead of leaving them to stew, she did a great job raising you, as understanding this makes processing those problems much easier.
It means being more patient and giving your partner time to figure out how to respond. As psychiatrist Judith Orloff revealed, "With patience, you're able to step back and regroup instead of aggressively reacting or hastily giving up on someone who's frustrating you. You're able to invest meaningful time in a relationship without giving up or giving in. In fact, patience gives you the liberating breath you've always longed to take."
And, as a result, they won't run from issues like they used to. You can address them head-on and put them to bed.
3. Actually like the person you're with
Dean Drobot | Shutterstock
You want to find someone to love, of course, but it's also essential to find someone you like and enjoy spending time with. Liking the person you're with means you like looking at them, talking about dumb stuff with them, and even take solace in sitting in silence together. Many people in relationships are struggling and often not sure they like their person anymore. They like who their person was at the beginning of the relationship, but not necessarily the person they are now.
According to licensed marriage and family therapist John Amodeo, PhD, "The foundation for liking someone is feeling emotionally safe with them. We feel comfortable talking with them or being quiet together; there's no pressure to keep the conversation going. We don't feel compelled to guard our words or defend ourselves. We find it easy to be present with them. We can be serious, as well as lighthearted and humorous. We feel happy, engaged, and delighted being in their presence."
4. Never settle for someone who doesn't want to understand you
ORION PRODUCTION | Shutterstock
Does your partner ever look at you and tell you you are an absolute mystery to them? They don't understand where you are coming from sometimes. A little mystery is good in any relationship, but if your partner doesn't fundamentally understand you, it will be hard to build a relationship together. And your mother did a great job raising you if she taught you to never settle for a person who doesn't care to understand you.
People don't "get" each other for different reasons. Sometimes, it's cultural. Sometimes, it's communication styles. Sometimes, it's because they aren't their true selves in a relationship. Sometimes, because their person isn't interested in trying to understand them. Whatever it is, to build a relationship, it's vital to bridge the gap in understanding your person.
5. Demand respect in your relationships
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock
When you demand respect in your relationship, you're telling your partner that you won't settle for anything less than you deserve. You want someone who treats you well, who does the little things they know you like, who holds the door for you, rubs your feet, and cooks your favorite dinner. And, most importantly, who treats you like an equal.
Someone who goes out of their way to do the things that make you feel loved is a person you should gravitate towards. And, in fact, research published in 2024 supports that respect is essential for healthy relationships. As it turns out, according to the study, "people who experience disrespect in their relationships tend to be less satisfied, which, in turn, may lead to them being less committed to maintaining their relationships."
6. Choose a person who makes you a priority
ORION PRODUCTION | Shutterstock
Your mother did a great job raising you if she taught you to choose someone who puts you first. She instilled in you the importance of finding a person who not only loves you, but makes you a priority. For example, someone who makes you a priority will do something as simple and romantic as planning a date.
But according to dating coach and therapist Tristan Coopersmith, "A partner who does not plan dates could have various reasons, including a lack of initiative or investment in the relationship, poor communication skills, anxiety around commitment, a preference for letting the other person take the lead, or simply not prioritizing date planning as important."
Coopersmith also cited a 2021 study determining that this type of behavior "can stem from a lack of awareness about the partner's needs and desires, leading to an imbalance in the relationship."
7. Flexibility is an essential part of a lasting relationship
Andrii Nekrasov | Shutterstock
Nothing is worse than being in a relationship with someone who is intractable, who believes it's their way or the highway, and who isn't willing to work with their partner when a disagreement arises. And while an attractive person knows who they are and what they want, when they want to make all the decisions and only do what they want to do, it becomes a problem.
As psychotherapist F. Diane Barth put it, "Remain flexible but balanced when it comes to compromise. Sometimes in a relationship we give in to the other's wishes, and sometimes they give in to ours. But in a healthy relationship, both sides compromise, although not necessarily at the same time." If you encounter someone who isn't willing to bend on an issue or many issues, you might want to think twice before getting involved with them.
8. A partner should have their own life
simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock
Many people get into relationships and give up everything they had before. They stop spending time with their friends, neglect their hobbies, or make excuses not to see family. While this might seem okay for a while, being in a relationship with someone completely reliant on you for their life gets draining.
Therapist John Kim stressed the importance of maintaining independence in a relationship. "No one wants to lose themselves in their partner. We all need time to pursue our passions, to be alone with our thoughts, and to maintain a sense of individuality. Independence is what allows you to bring your full self to the relationship, rather than relying on your partner to fulfill every need," he explained.
You want to be with someone who wants to spend time with you, but who will also get up in the morning and go for a bike ride with their friends. They make seeing their friends on Wednesday night for wine a priority. Then, after they've done their thing, they can come home to you, and you can do your thing together.
9. Talk about the future with someone you love
Zmaster | Shutterstock
Your mother did a great job raising you if she taught you to choose someone who wants to talk about the future — specifically, a future with you. Many people say they are looking for something in the here and now. They might want a relationship right now, but they aren't in any hurry. When you bring up next week or next month, they shut down and make excuses not to commit.
Picture being in a relationship with someone who doesn't want to talk about the future or plan what is next in your life. That would feel pretty lonely. And, according to a 2025 study, loneliness can lead to a decline in relationship satisfaction over time.
10. Don't be with a person who doesn't do what they say they will
simona pilolla 2 | Shutterstock
If your mother taught you that you should never settle for someone who doesn't keep their promises, she prepared you well in looking for love. Because this is a huge problem and something that shouldn't be ignored in a relationship. Not keeping a promise is akin to breaking trust, and in any relationship, trust is essential. As psychotherapist Ashley Thorn put it, "Without trust in a relationship, there is no feeling of emotional safety, which rids partners of their ability to be vulnerable and connect with each other."
When you have a partner who promises things — something as simple as stopping on the way home to run an errand — but doesn't follow through, it's not always malicious; they may just forget sometimes. It's okay to forget occasionally, but it's not okay when it becomes a regular thing. It shows that you can't rely on your partner, and it doesn't feel good.
11. Make love languages part of the relationship
Miljan Zivkovic | Shutterstock
Love languages work like this: Each person has one of five things that make them feel loved — quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gift-giving. But if you don't know your partner's love language, you won't know how to make them feel loved. If you don't know their love language, you will probably try to make them feel loved with what you need to feel loved.
Let's say you feel wonderful when you're hugged or holding hands. This means one of your love languages is physical touch. That means you can encourage your partner to give you hugs often. Now, imagine your partner's love language is not physical touch but quality time. What is most important to them is getting quality time with you — this, not hugging, is what makes them feel loved.
Remember all the important lessons your mother taught you about love, and apply them to your romantic life. You should only be with someone who treats you right, loves you flaws and all, and truly makes your relationship their priority, among many other essential components of a healthy partnership. And if they don't, think of what your mother would say.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based certified life coach and mental health advocate. Her work has appeared in The Good Men Project, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.
