If You Want A Man To Commit, There's Really Only One Thing You Need To Do
No games, no gimmicks.
Mr Arif | Canva Everybody knows that the beginning of a relationship comes with a set of unwritten rules that both genders follow. Research has explained that cultural norms and personal expectations create a framework for dating and relationship formation.
The instant a woman sits across from a man at a candlelit dinner, there may as well be a sports announcer bellowing in the background, "Let the games begin!" Unfortunately, the game being played is more of a tug-of-war than it is a collaborative effort.
Women often focus on commitment because of safety. They believe that a man who is serious about them (and only them) is much less likely to break their heart than a man who is dating every woman who is breathing (and possibly a few who aren't). They don't necessarily focus on getting an engagement ring. Beyoncé isn't usually blaring in the background, at least not at the start.
Rather, they focus on a man giving them a sense of security and the knowledge that they aren't wasting their time and setting themselves up to fall in love, only to fall apart when he says he's no longer interested. In that sense, commitment is like a safety net: it gives women the ability to walk that tightrope with just a little more confidence.
As great as commitment can be, asking a man to commit before he is ready is like pushing a chick out of its nest before it knows how to fly. It's not good for the man, the woman, or the bird. If we look just beyond the surface, we'll see that both parties are asking for the same thing: connection.
A woman may feel that a connection will automatically arise as a product of committing to a man. However, that's putting the cart before the horse. It also may subtly thwart a natural connection from arising due to the impact of bartering for intimacy. On the other hand, striving for connection first can help give women security without leaving the man feeling as though he is trapped.
If you want a man to commit, there's only one thing you need to do: have a meaningful connection with the man you're dating.
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Here's what it looks like for a woman to focus on connection with a man rather than asking for commitment prematurely:
1. Focus on the core values you have in common.
If the core things that are most important to you in life aren't shared by your prospective partner, there will be a glass ceiling on your growth together. Opposites do attract, but when it comes to the core driving principles you live by that make you happy, there has to be overlap.
If Allison wants a simple life in the woods off the grid and Matt is a tech mogul city slicker, the incompatibility is blatantly obvious. More discernment is required in partner value, looking for good overgrowth, or values changing more than certainty and security. These types of mismatches can still work, but it's best to be aware of them upfront and how they impact your connection and understanding of each other.
According to a 2016 study, while initial attraction and shared interests play a role, values provide a deeper foundation for compatibility and resilience. Couples with aligned values tend to experience fewer significant conflicts because they have a common framework for understanding and resolving disagreements, even during challenging times.
2. Spend quality time together
Generally speaking, if you're only seeing your prospective partner less than three evenings a week, the dynamic will stay a slow, casual simmer. Time together is a powerful bonding agent, and if either party can't commit to more than twice a week, they're either too busy for any deep, meaningful connection or they're still on the market.
Research suggests that spending quality time together, especially early in a relationship, is crucial for building connection and satisfaction. While the specific amount of time varies, prioritizing time for shared experiences and meaningful interaction can help couples navigate challenges and build a strong foundation.
3. Clearly state what you need from the relationship
The woman resolves in her mind and, in some cases, may declare to the man if asked, "I'm not intimate with someone until I feel a deep connection with them." This is very different than saying, "I'm not intimate with someone if I'm not in a relationship."
The former takes all the pressure off the man to sign any contracts or enter into agreements before he's ready. It gives him flexibility, and the woman provides a roadmap leading him to what's most important: connection.
Instead of a man being asked to give up something (as he would if he were being asked to give up his freedom and commit before he is ready), he's being asked to work towards something he deeply wants as well. He's being asked to work towards forming a bond and figuring out if there could be a future. Asking this of a man aligns both of you toward a vision of what you ultimately want and allows a woman to rid herself of anyone who isn't willing to put forth any effort.
Clearly stating your needs helps avoid assumptions and misinterpretations that can lead to conflict later on. A 2021 study found that early communication helps align expectations about the relationship, including what each person is looking for, and allows for establishing healthy boundaries.
If the man isn't going to connect with you mentally and emotionally, then you know what you're getting into. This also allows a woman to weed out the ones that won't be "boyfriend material," because any man who can't commit to a connection reveals immediately his true motivations for hanging out with you, as well as what you can expect moving forward with him.
Clayton Olson is an International Relationship Coach, Master NLP Practitioner, and Facilitator specializing in dating, empowering men and women, self-esteem, and life transitions. He has 20 years of experience working to optimize human behavior and relational dynamics
