11 Things People Say When They’re Trying To Justify Staying With The Wrong Person
If you’re saying these phrases, you probably should break up.
wavebreakmedia / Shutterstock We all have met that one friend who is a delight to be around…until their significant other shows up. When that toxic partner shows up, you know it’s going to be a bad time. Their partner is controlling, cruel, abusive, and not even fun to be around.
No one likes seeing a friend or loved one stuck with a partner who is bad for them. Unfortunately, we can’t force people to leave their partners. More often than not, they have a ton of excuses they use to justify staying with their toxic partners. If you’re in the situation where your bestie is stuck with a person who’s bad for them, you probably will hear these phrases below.
These are 11 things people say when they’re trying to justify staying with the wrong person
1. ‘They're not that bad’
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This might be the most common justification you’ll hear from people in a toxic relationship. This excuse has a lot of iterations, including “He’s not that bad all the time” or “He’s only like this once in a blue moon.”
Some behavior can be excused if it’s not that common, such as being huffy once in a while if your favorite team loses. Other stuff, such as yelling and screaming, kicking things, and threatening to hurt your pets? Not excusable.
We all know that one person who seemingly lives for the times between awful times. That’s no way to live, and it’s time we stop normalizing this.
2. ‘I’ve known them forever’
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This is part of the Sunk Cost Fallacy, a belief that makes us stick with a person, habit, or hobby that keeps us sinking more time, effort, and tears into it. The reason we do it is because we want to see a return on our investment. The more we invest, the more invested we are in seeing that return.
Of course, with a bad relationship, that never actually happens. You just end up sinking into more and more awful times, just because that person has been around for as long as they have.
3. ‘Eventually, they’ll change and grow up’
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Ever notice how many people seem to invest in people based on who they may become as they get older? This is another sign of the Sunk Cost Fallacy. However, it also tends to be a little unique because it comes from social pressure.
In today’s dating circuit, coaches are encouraging women to treat dating as a form of investment. If he’s not performing well, it might be time to let him go.
4. ‘I don’t want to be the one who got divorced’
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Like it or hate it, there’s still a certain lingering stigma that comes with being divorced in today’s society. There are many women and men who would rather not live with the title of “divorcee” in their name, even if it means staying unhappily married.
The decision to divorce or split is a personal one, but there’s often social pressure to just grin and bear it. Honestly, though? Others’ inconveniences are not your emergency.
5. ‘I don’t think there’s anyone better out there’
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With the dating horror stories that we read online and see on TikTok, it’s not surprising to hear that some folks will justify staying with Mr. Wrong rather than try to risk it all for a potential Mr. Right.
This may be part dating burnout. It may also be part dating trauma. Either way, being single is still an option.
6. ‘What about the kids?’
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Yes, a lot of people tend to stay together in bad relationships for the kids. This is often bolstered by the statistics showing that kids who are in single-parent households tend to fare worse than kids in two-parent households.
It’s a risk, as 20 to 25% of all kids in single-parent homes face long-term difficulties. Of course, if a relationship is toxic, they may be better off with a divorced parent.
7. ‘I literally can’t afford to leave’
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It’s not just your friends saying this! A growing number of people are stuck in a bad relationship because they literally are unable to afford life on their own. Having a good lawyer can help you get out safely, as can signing up for a domestic violence shelter.
Unfortunately, domestic violence shelters are starting to be overwhelmed as social safety nets start to fade away. Sometimes, you may have to choose between your home and your life. It’s best to save yourself.
8. ‘It’s better than being lonely’
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Is it, though? Is it, for real? More often than not, it’s easier to feel less alone when you’re not stuck with someone who makes you feel alone. Being alone is not the same as being lonely.
At times, it’s easier to be lonely when you’re surrounded by people who treat you badly.
9. ‘Plenty of people stay with people they don’t do well with, and it’s fine’
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This is a saying that holds some truth. In fact, it seems to hold a lot of truth. Surveys show that 70-83% of all long-term marriages are unhappy ones. So yes, there are plenty of people who are unhappily married!
The thing is, you do not have to be one of those miserable couples. You don’t have to stay with the person you’re with.
10. ‘My friends will be so upset if we break up.’
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If you’re one half of the #goals couple in your group, you know how bad the pressure to stay together can be. It’s even worse when you end up being friends with your partner’s friends. You get that weird, obligated-stuck feeling in your mind.
When you have friends who are deeply invested in your relationship, it’s normal to get worried about losing them. It’s also worth pointing out that a breakup could end up causing you to lose those friends. The whole “friend dividing” thing is a real phenomenon.
There’s no real fix for this. The only thing that can be said is that time heals most wounds and that real friends will not bail on you post-breakup.
11. ‘What if he retaliates?’
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If your friend ever stays in a relationship out of fear of what their partner might do to them, they may be in an abusive relationship. Staying out of fear of retaliation is a key warning sign of being in an abusive relationship.
Staying because you fear being hurt if you leave is no way to go through life. If you’re in this position, seek help by calling 988 as soon as you are safe to do so.
Ossiana Tepfenhart is a writer whose work has been featured in Yahoo, BRIDES, Your Daily Dish, Newtheory Magazine, and others.
