3 Phrases Deeply Loving Partners Say When They Want Their Love To Last Forever
Staying connected is both an artform and a measured practice.
Strelciuc Dumitru | Canva I once held a belief that asking for what I needed meant being selfish. I’ve since learned that asking for what I need is important, particularly in intimate relationships. Few of us are taught to ask for what we need in a healthy way, before resentments build, but learning how to phrase your needs is key to building a love that can last forever.
Research has proven time and again that resentments can be relationship-enders, but it can be hard to know how to preven them. The phrases below will help you learn how to ask for what you need and how to show up for your partner's needs, too, before resentments can sneak in and end your relationship early.
Here are three phrases deeply loving couples use when they want love to last:
1. 'This is what I need'
To ask is to make a request. A request can be met with "yes," "no," or a renegotiation. It gives information to others about what you need and allows them to meet it. But what if they judge you as too needy or inadequate? That may happen.
But, what if you act without doing what you need to do well? You'll perform poorly, and people may judge you as incompetent. Or, others may not judge you at all and respect you for being assertive or feel relieved you've explained your perspective.
Asking isn’t the same as demanding. A demand accepts only one answer: "yes." Demanding often puts people’s backs up against the wall. Say you've asked your partner to postpone your planned vacation for two weeks because of a work crisis. They may not be able to give you what you need or, for various reasons, not want to, right then.
Because you made the request, you must respond graciously and creatively to whatever answer you get. Maybe there's room for renegotiation of timing or location. But maybe not. If that’s the case, you'll need to search for other ways to get your needs met. That can be hard to remember.
Asking doesn’t guarantee you'll get your needs met, but if you don’t ask, the odds are much lower. And that's how you end up with resentments that prevent relationships from lasting the test of time.
2. 'I don't need this, but it would be so nice'
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The Rolling Stones’ sang, You Can’t Always Get What You Want? But asking for everything we want may backfire. I can identify so many things I want — more money, a different body, and more sunshine. Your list of wants is long, too, isn’t it?
The list of what we need is shorter. It’s what, if we lack, we will not survive or be able to manage our lives.
As a newly-separated mother, I knew I needed time for myself each week. Without it, I would become so brittle and shrill that no one would want to be around me. I asked my separated husband for that in drafting our co-parenting schedule. In it, my Sundays were child-free and work-free. (My husband had Saturdays for himself.)
Looking back, I see those hours allowed me to recover my center and recharge for the coming week. Not every parent has an intense need for quiet time. For some, this might be a "want" or not show on their list at all. For me, it was a need not a want.
Being able to distinguish between our wants and our needs is important. It lets us ask for what we need. Being clear on our precise needs also helps us keep going and seek other avenues if the first person we ask says "no."
With needs, your life and/or well-being will suffer. As a result, your relationship and possibly your family will, too.
If we don’t ask, what happens? We keep going as best we can. But over time, we won’t be able to keep doing well. Those who depend on us — whether it's our children, partner, friends, or colleagues — will be disappointed in our performance.
As if we aren’t getting enough oxygen, we’ll lose momentum, energy, and enthusiasm, until we're only grinding on each day until we burn out. It’s the most selfless and loving people who struggle most with asking for what they need.
It’s a skill you can learn in just 4 simple steps:
1. Start with identifying needs.
What do I need in this relationship? Sort out wants from needs. Am I getting what I need? If not, what is my request? Time, acknowledgment, resources, or new options?
2. Practice making requests of people around you.
Keep in mind that they can say "yes," "no," or renegotiate. Start small.
3. Pay attention to both the "what" and the "how" of your request.
If you're making a challenging request, practice the words you will use, and listen for your tone of voice. Neutral works and cordial works. Hostile won’t get you far.
4. Notice the responses you get.
"Yes" is easy to receive. "No" and "renegotiate" are trickier to handle skillfully. Practice responding neutrally to "no."
Take a breath. You may want to paraphrase what the other person just said, to give yourself time to think: "So, you’re saying you can’t do this for these reasons..."
If you’re stumped about how to respond, try, "I need to think about this, let’s revisit tomorrow," to leave the door open.
3. 'How can I support you?'
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Our willingness to help others get their needs met is also crucial. Without this, our relationships can be lopsided, and resentments may creep in. If you want your love to last, you'll need to anticipate and ask regularly how you can best support your partner.
Offering anything — support, time, and resources — involves a willingness to give the other something of ourselves. This generosity of spirit helps relationships grow and requires that we pay attention to what’s happening to our loved ones.
While "Is there anything I can do?" is wonderful, it can also be fantastically supportive to say, "You look like you could use a hug, is that right?" or, "Would it help if I called the plumber?"
Acting from our generous heart to offer means to hold out something with our open hands, leaving the choice of whether to accept to the other person. Don’t assume they need what we want to give them or expect them to take what we are offering. They decide.
This can be difficult if we feel sure that our suggestion will help them. Again, practice. Practice making offers and not being attached to the response. There are effective communication skills you need to learn: ask, need, and offer. Which one do you use most skillfully now? Which one is hardest for you? How will your relationships change if you get better at using them?
Karen Kristjanson holds a M.Sc. in Social Psychology and is a life coach helping couples and co-parents in high-conflict situations create peaceful and functional relationships.
