The Sweet And Tender Habit That Bonds Couples Better Than Any Other
Your body, heart and even your partner will thank you!
MR ARIF | Canva These couples have learned a few tried and tested tools that work, so they can reconnect emotionally and intimately long after the original sparks have cooled. For them, having the ability to reset their loving connection is the secret sauce to their marriage.
Of the many ways to create loving connection I have tested, eye gazing is my favorite because once you both learn and practice it, it works. But don't just take my word for it. Multiple studies have shown various benefits, from increased feelings of love to greater attraction between partners.
Why eye gazing is the sweetest way to bond as a couple
What is eye gazing?
The practice of prolonged, intentional eye contact is a powerful non-verbal communication tool can foster connection, empathy, and intimacy. The practice involves looking into another person's eyes for an extended period, without speaking.
Eye gazing for lovers involves prolonged, focused eye contact with a partner to foster deeper intimacy and connection as a practice can enhance feelings of attraction, closeness, and love, while also triggering deeper emotions like vulnerability.
mimagephotography via Shutterstock
Why it works:
The Neurobiological benefits of eye gazing, according to Psychology Today, are caused by the release of your brain chemicals, like oxytocin and phenylethylamine, which promote attraction and connection
When you do this with your energy focused on your heart and connecting to your partner's heart, the circuit you create generates a joyous experience; the result of more serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin flowing into both your brains.
What are the benefits?
To look deeply into someone’s eyes without hiding or judging takes a lot of practice, and when I later practiced this with my boyfriends and husbands, the results were often transformative.
How do you shift from the 'Me Mind' to the 'We Mind'?
When I finally found someone who enjoyed eye gazing as much as I did, after only one marathon, he sent me hundreds of letters describing his experiences that would tick the box for most of us who love intimacy.
While he would have been described as a man who lives every second in his head, after this experience, he reported he no longer knew where “he ended and I began,” proving to me this exercise had been mutually miraculous.
Does eye gazing always work?
When you do this for a while, you can open up someone's heart, if it is reachable, but if your partner’s heart is in “protective custody,” that’s a two-person job, including a trauma expert.
Does it always work? Certainly not. You cannot create love where it was not meant to be. But you can feed a love tha tmight need a little encouragement using eye gazing techniques.
Step-by-step Instructions for eye gazing, also called a “Be With”
Find a comfortable chair for each of you facing one another: Sit facing your partner, with your knees close without touching.
Agree on a time limit and set an alarm: Begin with one to three minutes, and each time you practice, increase the duration by a few minutes.
Focus on the eyes: Gaze directly into your partner's eyes, letting go of any stories you’re telling yourself about your partner or your relationship.
Blink naturally: Don't stare; blinking is normal.
Notice sensations: Let go of your thoughts and focus only on your feelings and physical sensations during the exercise.
Reflect and share: After the exercise, take time to discuss your experience with your partner, being sure to express appreciation for all your positive experiences and eliminating language that may sound as if you are blaming your partner for any thoughts that appeared.
Inside Creative House via Shutterstock
Once you develop this skill, you can count on these benefits of eye gazing:
Increased intimacy and closeness: Multiple studies indicate that prolonged and silent eye contact with a partner can boost feelings of intimacy and connection.
Enhanced attraction and bonding: Eye gazing can create a sense of closeness and may trigger deeper attraction and love.
Emotional regulation: Eye contact can help regulate both of your nervous systems and promote a sense of safety and security.
Deeper understanding: Gazing into a partner's eyes can offer insights into their emotional state and inner world.
Improved communication: Eye gazing can improve nonverbal communication and create a deeper sense of connection.
Tips for successful eye gazing:
Start slowly and keep increasing your time with eye gazing: Remember not to push yourself
Focus on your partner's eyes: Look deeply into their eyes and then focus on peering into your partner’s soul
Breathe deeply, slowly, and regularly: Take slow, deep breaths to calm your nervous system and enhance the experience. For the deepest joy, learn brain-breathing so that you regulate your emotional state and stay present.
Be mindful of your emotions: If you experience discomfort or fear, acknowledge it silently to yourself and reset your emotional connection to your partner.
Eye gazing, including sustained open-hearted mutually silent eye contact, can produce these benefits after you both have practiced a few times:
Emotional connection is the most common cause of lifelong relationships:
- Reduced anxiety
- Enhanced trust
- Deepened connection
- Strengthened bond
- Elevated couple consciousness
Intimate connection is the basis of stronger physical bonds that lead to lifelong commitment:
- Increased physical desire and yearning
- Intensified passionate experiences
- Heightened bliss without alcohol or drugs
- Breakthroughs in vulnerability and trust
Anatoliy Karlyuk via Shutterstock
Using eye gazing to reconnect after an argument:
Eye gazing can be an extraordinarily helpful tool for couples who feel disconnected or distanced from one another.
- Instead of bickering, request eye gazing once you and your partner have experienced it at least twice.
- Instead of focusing on what you resent or dislike about your partner, request eye gazing.
Even if you worry that your relationship is hopeless, do eye gazing first and then decide! Couples who have despaired of creating a future together have let me know the amazing experiences they have shared, and most interesting to many of them was that a combination of Brain-breathing, eye gazing, and the passion in which two individuals merge into one.
Susan Allan is a certified mediator and coach, and the founder of the Marriage Forum Inc., and creator of The 6 Part Conversation and The 7 Stages of Marriage and Divorce training to help people understand their own needs and their partners.
