Why Looking For 'Love At First Sight' In A New Relationship Means It's Doomed To Fail

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Am I In Love? How Do You Know When You're In True Love (& Not Just Wishing It's Love At First Sight)

Instant attraction isn't all it's cracked up to be.

You want to learn how to find true love in a more relaxed way, without all the pressure of everyone knowing that you're "looking." But with such a laid-back approach, how do you know when you're in love — that true sort of love that will last a lifetime?

After all, true love seems to be everywhere and all around you; you just haven't found it ... yet.

You may believe you'll recognize true love when your soulmate crosses our path or that your instant chemistry will be so strong that you'll fall in love at first sight and instantly know he's "the one".

But, if that's really how finding true love works, then why have you and many others just like you had your hearts broken so many times before?

If you're meant to simply "know" the signs you're in love just by the look and feel of them, then why has everyone been fooled, led down the garden path, and rolled over in past relationships that only end in heartbreak?

RELATED: Your Answers To These 20 Questions Reveal If You're Really In Love (Or Just In Lust)

After all, even with celebrities who seem to have it all, relationships come and go, fizzing out in the blink of an eye. It sometimes seems like a relationship graveyard out there! Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon ... Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin ... so many relationships ending before their time.

It all makes true love seem like a bright, shiny object that’s just out of reach, leading many to ask, "Is there really such a thing as true love at all? Am I in love with him?"

The problem is, you've been trained to think of love as a feeling of intensity. The intensity of your desire. The intensity of your longing and yearning. The intensity of your chemical, sexual attraction.

You've been trained that this glorious, unconscious, primal intensity signals "true love", that it’s the "relationship glue" that makes you feel deeply attached to a partner.

I used to be all about that feeling — I was seduced by the intensity and never failed to believe it meant I had a "relationship" and not just a fling.

But is true love really like a bolt of lightning that comes out of nowhere and takes your breath away?

Intensity just doesn't feel like the kind of "glue" that can hold a relationship together. Even worse, months into a relationship based on just intensity, doesn’t it always turn out that you're not feeling quite so "intense" about things anymore? The truth is that intensity always fades and that's when relationships begin to fail.

Your man’s suddenly not paying so much attention to you. The sex isn't mind-blowing. The dates aren't as fun. You start feeling the pain of the longing, the yearning, the wanting more.

And then your insecurities start to kick in. They create resentment and anger, so you start working harder to make the relationship work. And that’s when things really start to go downhill.

As you start feeling fear and anger (and working so hard to fix things), the relationship gets fuzzier as reality gets clearer. You realize that all this time you haven't taken genuine steps toward an actual, real partnership.

RELATED: 18 Signs You've Fallen Into Genuine True Love With Your Soulmate

You haven't bothered to learn what each other's needs are or how to meet them. You haven't learned how to communicate with each other to deepen the relationship. You've been swept along by intensity and thought that it was doing the work of connection.

Now you have to start from scratch to create a real connection — and do it on the bones of your insecurity and feelings of being off-balance.

But before you can find true love, you must learn how to "fall."

In other words, actual love takes letting go of your thoughts enough to experience your feelings in the presence of your partner. And to let go like that — to fall like that — you need trust, depth, conversation, dependability, consistency, and the emotional connection you crave.

It’s the falling that creates true love. When you're with someone for a very long time — companionably and harmoniously — it’s a meeting of minds and hearts that day-by-day create a deeper connection instead of just superficial intensity.

So go for it!

Make sure you and your love "fall into" and celebrate the connection and quality of your relationship instead of chasing the intensity level… this is the real gold that's right there under the surface, ready for you to grab instead of getting distracted by “bright shiny objects” that seem like "true love".

RELATED: 12 Questions To Ask Yourself To Find Out If You're Genuinely Falling In Love

To learn specific ways to relate to a man — from the early stages of dating all the way through a blissful commitment — subscribe to Rori’s free newsletter. You’ll discover a new, fun way to think about relationships and dating that’s all about you, raises your self-esteem, and draws the right man to you effortlessly.