Why Everyone Should Try Scheduling Sex At Least Once

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Why Everyone Should Try Scheduling Sex at Least Once
Love, Sex

There are benefits for almost everyone (even if you think you don't need it!).

I guess a lot of couples just know when it’s going to happen. And good for them. May they tear off their clothes and have the sexual joy and connection they long for.

But most of us are running around trying to make ends meet. Some of us see our partner only on the fly, when we talk about the phone bill, and maybe during the kids' school play.

That lifestyle is not the most conducive to an active, engaged sexual life or relationship. You (and your sexless marriage) may have noticed.

I meet with a lot of couples in the Bay Area. They love each other. They are committed to each other and to their relationship, and to their job and their workouts, and their dogs and their…you get the picture.

They need to find time for sex — and not just in the 30 minutes while they wait for the Chinese take-out to warm up.

My wife and I are self-employed. She works at home, and I do as well sometimes, so we know how important scheduling is. Sometimes a whole day goes by and our most intimate moment sounds like, "We’ll connect after I finish this email, okay?" Right. 

So that's why I recommend they try scheduling sex once in a while. Get out your calendar apps and make a date. If it works well, then try it again!

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Here are two reasons why scheduling sex just might help you have better sex:

1. Great sex takes time.

The more time you put into it, the better it will be. (Hint: schedule more time for it!)

When you first meet your partner, wow, everything is great. You cannot believe how lucky you are, and often, there is great chemistry for sex.

Guess what, though? As time goes by, you get to know your partner better. They are no longer perfect. They don't put the cap back on the toothpaste! The rush of chemical attraction is not so reliable. This is normal. How many couples can sustain the romance into the third or fourth year?

You have to develop new skills and different beliefs, at this later stage in the relationship, to maintain a powerful physical connection.

Sex becomes about intimacy, about emotional connection. Maybe you can have a satisfying quickie, while you wait for the FED-Ex package to arrive, but most people cannot.

Great sex takes concentration (hint: put down your phone!). It takes a certain emotional/physical/kinesthetic exchange. It takes a more gentle, open and self-revealing form of conversation. Most of us can learn this skill, if we want to. I've taught it to men and women for 25 years.

And this new form of conversation, which leads to deeper connection and better sexuality takes some attention or discipline. It's a shame we didn't learn it in grade school.

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2. Technology can ruin intimacy.

I used to think that the couples who didn't take the time to have the emotional intimacy required for a softer, deeper form of intimacy (i.e. sex) were afraid of it. I no longer think this.

Our culture has moved quickly into the technological age where we are all so busy, so plugged in, and so ‘social media’. These habits lead to surface forms of engagement, but not the satisfying most of us long for.

I’ve come to learn that scheduling time, up to 2-3 hours with my wife is the best solution to my own needs for connection. We take a hike or have dinner, talk, and catch up. Then we move into more touching and caressing when the doors of emotion and of the body are more open.

We have to stand against the busy, hurry-up world all around us if we want satisfying sex and a satisfying relationship.

I offer those of you who are seeking a deeper emotional connection, which can lead to sexuality, the same solution that my wife and I have found.

Try scheduling sex at least once. If you have an enjoyable time, schedule it again!

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George Taylor is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in San Francisco, Marin County, CA. If you want deeper intimacy and more satisfying conversations with your partner, try his website and his book A Path for Couples, available on Amazon.

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