7 Ways My Boyfriend Behaves EXACTLY Like A Toddler On Dinner Dates

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7 Ways Going Out To Eat With A Man Is EXACTLY Like Eating With A Toddler

At least I don't have to change him... I mean, ideally.

I love my boyfriend, I want to get that on the record now. Reading this, Rob? I adore you.

That said, after recently spending seven days traveling abroad with my 3-year-old godson, I had a pretty major epiphany about him.

He simply has never grown up.

Oh sure, he has developed sexually and learned not to cry when he gets erections. Also, he's got that whole bowel control thing handled. 

But there are many ways in which my boyfriend is not remotely different from preschool-aged boys, and I think when you hear what I've got to say about it, you'll totally relate. 

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Behold these seven ways going on a dinner date with my boyfriend is exactly like dining out with a toddler. 

1. They squirm in formal wear. 

When I took my godson to high tea — a kid-friendly high tea, because I am not a monster — he had to wear a smart little button down and sweater combination along with some formal pants.

As he tugged at his collar I thought about the last time my boyfriend took me someplace fancy to eat. He wore a suit and seemed miserable all night. In fact, the only time he looked happy that evening was the minute he got home and could strip down naked.

A trait my 3-year-old godson also shares. 

2. They don't understand utensils. 

I'm not saying that my boyfriend doesn't have nice manners, but also, I am definitely saying that my boyfriend doesn't have nice manners.

When my godson sits down at a table, the first thing he usually does is pick up a fork to see exactly how many tines he can insert into his nose. While my boyfriend does possess a modicum of restraint, I have returned from the bathroom multiple times to find him drumming on the table with his utensils.

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3. They will not spare you from their bodily functions.

Look, I love a good fart joke as much as the next 12-year-old boy, but I also realize that there are times and places for such antics.

My godson developed a charming habit of taking a sip of any drink, setting it down, and then burping loudly. The last time my boyfriend and I went out to eat, he paid the check in cash because he "really had to fart, like ASAP."

Charmed, I'm sure. 

4. They hate fine dining. 

I used to swear that I could never love a man who was a picky eater, and now I love two of them.

My godson's current favorite food is chicken nuggets and/or plain white bread with no crusts attached, but of course. My boyfriend's tastes are slightly more urbane, but not by much. The man literally will not eat anything that adds flavor to a dish. He would subsist on a thin, gray gruel if I did not inflict things like "pepper" upon him from time to time.

5. They aren't always great with the waiters. 

Whenever I go out to eat with my godson the waitstaff are inevitably super sweet to him because he is an adorable toddler. He, in turn, usually responds by climbing underneath the table in shyness or refusing their offers of special treats like chocolate milk.

My boyfriend once yelled at our waiter from across the room for more bread and cannot tell the difference between an actual server and a person who also happens to be standing in a restaurant.


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6. They get bored quickly. 

My idea of a big, decadent, luxurious splurge is going to some high-end fancy restaurant and sitting for hours over a meticulously crafted tasting menu. I want hours to pass before I have to get up again.

My boyfriend views eating as something that must be done so that other things can happen, and my godson views food as the enemy to be avoided at all costs.

They are both the worst. 

7. They inevitably just want access to boobs.

Whenever my bestie starts getting a sense that my godson's patience is about to run out at a restaurant, the kiddo winds up in her lap. She's trying to wean him from breastfeeding, but that doesn't stop the little guy from reaching for her boobs whenever possible.

Who can blame him? This boob-reaching is not a thing all men ever grow out of, either. When I feel my boyfriend getting annoyed about how long we've had to wait for the bill, I can always lighten the mood by leaning over the table and giving him a peek. 

See, samesies!

Rebecca Jane Stokes is a sex, humor and lifestyle writer living in Brooklyn, New York with her cat, Batman. She hosts the sex, love, and dating advice show, Becca After Dark on YourTango's Facebook Page every Tuesday and Thursday at 10:20 pm Eastern. For more of her work, check out her Tumblr.