I'm In A Polyamorous Relationship, But I Still Believe In Soulmates

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are soulmates real?

Love is infinite.

When I was little, I believed in God without question.

I went to church every Sunday, I said my prayers every night.

I was a faithful kid, but even then I had my moments of doubt.

I would wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, panicked, thinking:

What if God isn't real?

Over time, my faith and my relationship to the divine has changed. 

When I think back to how faithful I was, but also how fearful and full of doubt, I am reminded of how I feel today about the idea of having a soulmate. 

I want to believe soulmates are real, and on my good days it's easy to do. 


But then at night sometimes, I am struck with fear contemplating just one thought:

Are soulmates real? 

In spite of the way I live my life, and in spite of logic, and in spite of current love and sex trends, I think that they are. 

But I don't think soulmates exist in the way that we've been taught they do.  

I'm in a polyamorous relationship.

My boyfriend has another girlfriend. That's what our relationship looks like, and it works. 

He loves us both and pays attention to us both and I am sure we both feel like we are the center of his world. 

The connection I feel to my boyfriend is deep and lasting and important, and I don't think his relationship with his other girlfriend makes our relationship any less meaningful.


I could call him my soulmate, but isn't the whole idea of a soulmate contradictory to that? Doesn't the concept of a soulmate imply you both just have ONE?

If meeting and loving a person who is your one and only is the definition of a soulmate, then people like me, people in polyamorous relationships, don't ever get one. 

And that kind of feels like bullshit. 

In fact, the idea of having just one soulmate, is romantic, but it's also dangerous.

If we teach little girls and boys that there is only one person out there that they are destined to be with forever, we're giving them unrealistic expectations about love and romance

Also, let's be real.

If soulmates, in the traditional sense of the word, are what we're supposed to be looking for, then the numbers simply don't add up.

I know, I'm that kind of a buzzkiller! 

There are not an equal number of men and women on planet earth. 

And even if they were, there are accidents and illnesses:

If your soulmate is actually just one person, what happens if you make it and they don't?

How about same-sex soulmates? How do bisexuals figure into this? 

The more I break down the traditional definition of soulmates, the more I believe it's harmful and wrong. 

Part of why I struggled so much in the beginning of my polyamorous relationship was because I had this idea in my head. 

Having this idea so deeply ingrained in my brain kept me from jumping with full abandon into a romantic relationship that has been the most rewarding one I've been in ever.


So, what if instead of asking are soulmates real, we asked the question differently?

What if instead, we asked, "is it possible to meet a person we were destined to have in our lives?" 

I think that's absolutely true. 

When I say that somebody is my soulmate, it's not because I want to keep them and only them close to me forever.

To me, a soulmate is someone with whom you feel any intense bond our connection.

My two best friends? They are my soulmates. And there are two of them.

The men I have had serious relationships with? There was something in them that spoke to something in me. 

Is that the connection we're talking about when it comes to having a special kind of love? 

I think it is. 

So I do believe in soulmates ... but my definition is tweaked, it's different, it's more inclusive.

And it's not just because I'm in a polyamorous relationship.

It's because I've lived and made enough meaningful connections in my life to know that love isn't a finite thing.

Love is infinite.

If you find yourself loving more than one person, it's not because you're weird or strange, it's because your soul has connected to their souls, and that's a beautiful thing.