5 Ways Online Dating Makes It Almost IMPOSSIBLE To Find True Love

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It’s called “The Sex and The City” phenomenon.

By Jason Levoy

Finding love these days is harder than ever. With all the technology and access to people via online dating sites, you would think it would be the opposite.

I have a theory on why it’s so hard to find love online. It’s called “The Sex and The City” phenomenon.

You remember that show, right? I think that series ruined how people date. It created this false sense of expectations and a sense of entitlement that isn’t realistic in real life. Some women hold out and are look for their “Mr. Big,” but only realize that he doesn’t exist when they are in their late 30’s or 40’s. By then, the pool of quality partners has shrunk, and they are left with mostly “undesirables.”

Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying it’s only women who are the problem. Men have their issues too.

Television and movies have brainwashed us to want and expect one thing. But, when we go out on an actual date, we are disappointed because we don’t get the same emotional sensation that we get when we watch a movie. That’s why it’s a movie; it’s made up for dramatic effect!

For all you list lovers, here are my five reasons why online dating has made it all but impossible to find love today:

1. Most people stink at selling themselves. 

It’s all about your online profile. Most of us can’t write well, and it shows. Your dating profile has to pop and stand out from the rest of the crowd. Many profiles have the same types of photos and say the same thing, i.e. “I love to laugh and enjoy time out and at home. I love to travel…”

It takes skill to write a compelling dating profile. You have to sell yourself so that others want to go out with you and see what you’re all about. Having a good photo is just the start. Online dating is hard because we are “browsing” profiles, making judgments based only on a photo. Too much emphasis is on the photo, but that is how the system is set up.

2. Hollywood has inflated our expectations of what romance and intimacy is. 

This is the Sex and the City syndrome I mentioned above. While romanticizing relationships and falling in love in movies is nothing new, it seems the years and years of being exposed to Hollywood romance has taken its toll on society. I don’t know what men and women expect a good first date to be anymore.

When I was dating, I used the first date for two things, 1) to make sure the woman was who she said she was in her online profile and 2) to see if there was any chemistry between us. If we had a pleasant enough time, I would typically go out again. I mean, how much can you get to know someone on a couple hours of a first date where both people are on the best behavior and nervous?

3. Perfect is a click away. 

The problem with today’s dating landscape is that people want to know if the person they go out on a date with is “the one” within 10 minutes of meeting them. This is because we want that instant gratification. If we don’t get the instant results, we think the date is a bust and look to move on. 

After all, with the plethora of people online, our dream partner is just the next click away, right? Whatever happened to going out a few times and getting to know a person before deciding if there is a connection or chemistry? I think a lot of good relationships never get off the ground because they are never given the chance to develop.

4. Texting has replaced talking. 

Don’t get me started with this one because I’ll tell you right now, I hate texting. Now that everyone and their mother has a smartphone; people don’t talk anymore. They text. The first-way people communicate on an online dating site is by instant messaging or email. Then, instead of exchanging numbers and having a real conversation, the texting begins and continues until the first date and beyond. 

Often, the two people haven’t heard the other’s voice before they meet. Stop texting and talk to each other like human beings! You can learn so much more from a phone conversation with someone and less gets lost in translation over the phone than it does through texting.

5. Access to so many people is a bad thing. 

Before online dating sites took off, it was hard to meet people if you weren’t in an academic environment, such as college. After school ends, other than the job, or a bar, where do people who are looking for love meet each other?

Maybe we are set up through family or friends. If you’re lucky, you might meet your perfect someone in the produce aisle of the market, but this is a long shot. With the entire library of profiles on these dating sites available, I can understand why people approach online dating with such a cavalier attitude. There are too many choices, and we think someone better is next.

While online dating provides a platform for people to meet each other who wouldn’t otherwise cross paths, the whole system as created a misguided expectation of instant gratification and fireworks on the first date. We need to curb our use of technology (I mean texting all the time) and communicate over the phone and without using emojis all the time. 

You might not feel the fireworks on a first date, but they might just go off on the second or third date. If you don’t give each other a chance to really get to know each other, you might just click past the love of your life.

This article was originally published at The Good Men Project. Reprinted with permission from the author.