How To Get Over The 'Limiting Beliefs' That Keep You From Finding Real Love

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radical dating why can't i find love

What one woman learned as a contestant on a dating show.

By Wendy L. Yost

When I was selected as one of the five cast members for Radical Dating: Finding Lasting Love After 40 I wasn't sure what to expect. I knew that I was single, and I knew that I was ready to not be.

And, while I was excited, I was also a little apprehensive as I signed on for the show. Especially given most reality shows that involve dating and relationships are focused on scarcity thinking, contrived competition, and intentionally pitting people against each other, three things I actively avoid.

RELATED: Why Instant Chemistry Is NOT Required For Epic, Lasting Love

Thankfully, Radical Dating was none of those things. Instead, it was a golden opportunity to take a look at what was keeping me and the other four clients single with the help of dedicated coaches, a weekly parade of experts, and the wise and caring support of the show's creators, Betsy Chasse and David Steele.

After the final cast of clients was selected, we participated in a "speed mentoring session" with each of the five coaches who were working on the show, all from the Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI). I learned something from every exchange I had, and yet when asked to provide my top two choices of coaches, I was quick to share my excitement over the possibility of working with Lori Ann Davis, given her understanding of masculine and feminine dynamics and her palpable sense of spirituality.

As fate would have it, we were each other's first choice and got to work with each other on camera and off for the duration of the show's filming.  

Over the course of our time together we surfaced a number of limiting beliefs that were getting in the way of my having the lasting love I so desire. Initially, when the coaches and experts would talk about limiting beliefs, I had several moments of "been there, done that," discounting what was being made available. I thought to myself, as we filmed, "This is good stuff," but it was territory I had covered a decade ago.

What took a while for me to warm up to was that I was still being challenged by limiting beliefs, they just didn't look like they did when I first started learning about them. So I had to eat some humble pie and realize that while I had done a lot of personal growth and spiritual work, there were nuances of basic principles that I could still gain greatly from.

Through my work with Lori, we were able to use what I already knew as a solid foundation for our work together. This is one of the many things I love about coaching. The coach meets the client where they are at.

Another thing I love about coaching is how a good coach can call you out when you are hiding behind what you know, or selectively applying it.

And that is what Lori did for me again and again, and in ways that I could actually hear it.

In reflecting on my Radical Dating experience, there are three limiting beliefs that needed tending to in new ways for me to truly be available for lasting love.

The first limiting belief Lori and I uncovered was, "My next relationship will be my last relationship." Having been through a divorce, I wanted to "get it right" the next time I entered a relationship. I wanted what my parents have (married nearly 50 years) and what my grandparents had (65+ years).

Through my work with Lori, I was able to see that I was putting a lot of pressure on myself — and every man I met — by instantly thinking in terms of forever.

And once I could see that I was doing that, I could work with Lori to come up with another way to look at it. And that's when we came up with, "I am ready for my next relationship." Which has a whole different feel to it and provides more room to explore and take risks as I use the Radical Dating method of scouting, sorting, screening and testing potential matches I meet online and in person.

The second limiting belief Lori and I discovered was that I had it in my head and heart that I was looking for a husband/business partner.

And while I have ample evidence of what that looks like and how well it can work since my grandparents, parents, sister, and brother-in-law, and a good number of my friends are all in loving and supportive multi-decade marriages while working together, it was a limiting belief that had me looking for and receptive to a much smaller percentage of available men.

So Lori and I talked about it, did some work to release that belief and came up with an alternative that speaks to being in a relationship with a man who is great at loving me, appreciates being loved by me, and who values and supports my work in the world. Again, more room to explore and take risks — while making more potential options available. As I have written on a post-it note in my home office, for the times I need reminding "There are a lot of ways this can work."

Which brings me to a major limiting belief that I was unknowingly holding — and it was a doozy — creating my next relationship out of the reaction to what didn't work in my last relationship. While it's useful to take stock of what worked and what didn't in past relationships, I don't want something slightly better or different than what I have already experienced.

I want to create a relationship based on who I am now and the future I am choosing to live into.

Which meant that I had to lay to rest a number of things. Hard things. Like looking at how I was punishing my ex-husband by staying single. Yikes.

While I know in my heart of hearts my ex-husband genuinely wishes for my happiness, I was holding myself — and the good available in my romantic life — at bay by keeping myself out of being a relationship. Realizations like this are tough to look at. They feel 10 percent "you can taste the freedom from being made available" and 90 percent "a sudden awareness that you have been choosing to drink poison."

These kinds of revelations are made more manageable when you are looking at them with a skilled coach who is committed to the future you are creating for yourself — and can help you move through all of what comes up when tough stuff like this is revealed. Lori is a master at doing this, and like many coaches holds multiple certifications and uses different modalities to help unstick "stuckness" and clear a path forward. And that's exactly what we've done.

I feel ready in new ways for my next relationship, I am open to all the ways it can work, and I am creating my next relationship based on who I am now and the future I most want to create.

As David Steele often said while we were filming, "Relationship success starts when you are single." I will be forever grateful for my involvement in season one of Radical Dating: Finding Lasting Love After 40 and all the ways the coaches, experts, and show's creators helped me see what I couldn't see so that I can create what I am committed to creating.

If you are single and want to change that, I encourage you to sign up for the free membership available on the Radical Dating website where you can receive access to the same tools that the coaches used on the show.

Of the worksheets, one in particular, the "Relationship Readiness Quiz for Singles," provided all the insights I needed to be able to focus my time and energy when working with Lori. And, included with the worksheets is an offer for a free private Radical Dating strategy session with a Relationship Coaching Institute (RCI) coach.

With the right support, you, like me, will soon be on your way to the lasting love you most desire! 

RELATED: 7 Reasons You Think You'll Never Find Love (& Why You Shouldn't Give Up!)

Written in partnership with Radical Dating. Learn more about Radical Dating and watch Episode 10 above!