7 Reasons Even Smart Women Struggle To Cut Their Exes Out Of Their Lives
Blocking an ex seems like the best thing to do, but why can't we?
Liza Summer | Canva The best way to get over an ex is to go no contact. Specifically, to block them on their phone so they can't get in touch. Most of know this, deep inside, but sometimes even the smartest women find it impossible to cut their ex out completely.
When I suggest this to men, they tend to see its value and have no hesitation to block their ex. Unfortunately, almost without exception, when I suggest a woman block her ex, I am immediately met with pushback, most specifically with the phrase “that seems harsh.”
Some women, however, make choices to self-sabotage by not blocking their ex. We can look to them, and the reasons it's hard to make the break, to move past the instinct to stay in touch. That's when you can finally start moving on.
Here are 7 reasons even smart women find it impossible to cut their exes out of their lives:
1. Human brains will choose pleasure over pain every time
According to Mandy Napier, Master Practitioner of Neurological Repatterning and Behavioral Change, human beings are fundamentally drawn towards pleasure and away from pain. The reason, two parts of the brain have an uneasy co-existence.
Every brain has two sides: the conscious (logic and intellect) and the unconscious (emotions and memories). The subconscious mind is significantly more powerful than the conscious mind. As a result, much of our decision-making is done with our emotions and based on what gives us pleasure, while conveniently ignoring that our conscious brain knows better.
As a result, we make illogical choices that are not in our best interest in the long term. Even worse, when confronted with change, the subconscious mind releases a chemical that fuels doubt and fear, which, in turn, leads us to create stories to justify our inability to make change.
When faced with the idea of blocking someone, a woman’s conscious mind might know what she should do, but the unconscious mind fuels sadness and fear, something to keep her from doing what she intellectually knows is best.
2. It's normal to struggle with feelings of self-worth after a breakup
According to therapist Dr. Pat Allen, "The only way you know you love yourself […]is by the commitments you are willing to make and keep." Unfortunately, our unconscious brain, which stores our memories, is full of memories of broken commitments and bad decisions, memories that can lead us to have low self-esteem.
It is this feeling of failure that keeps us from doing something good for ourselves. After all, we have made so many bad choices in the past, choices that have brought us to this place; why should we trust ourselves to do the right thing now?
So we default to what gives us pleasure in the moment, being on the other side of the phone in case our ex decides to call, even if we know we are only sabotaging our sense of self-worth.
3. Women are taught to put the needs of others first
Therapist Rosjke Hasseldine writes about “The Culture of Female Service.” This school of thought speaks to the cultural beliefs that women are the nurturing gender, and it is a woman’s role to nurture their family and relationships. This school of thought is continually reinforced with the generational pattern of women to put everyone else’s needs above their own. I am sure you know exactly what I am talking about.
Particularly when it comes to relationships, women tend to put their needs second, prioritizing the feelings of their partner. Even in a breakup, women tend to prioritize their partner’s needs. One of my clients wouldn’t block her ex because “he was in pain,” even though every time she heard from him, it was like a dagger to her heart.
4. It's challenging to overcome ambivalence
If there is one innately human thing, it's the struggle to make a decision. And this ambivalence, according to Dr. Allan Zuckoff, is exactly the thing that makes it difficult to take action in one way or another. When faced with making a decision, we consciously and unconsciously weigh the costs and benefits to get what we want.
When it comes to deciding whether or not to block an ex, women struggle with this cost/benefit equation. While the benefits might be significant, like letting go of a toxic relationship, no longer being re-injured, and an end to the pain, the costs are significant too. Such as shutting the door of the relationship, the fear of intense pain, the letting go of things ending differently.
The trade-off, unfortunately, isn't crystal clear. Furthermore, because many women struggle with low self-esteem, especially at the end of a relationship, getting clarity about what they should do is almost impossible. So, unable to equalize the costs/benefit equation, women maintain the status quo and don’t block their ex.
5. It's easy to get hooked on text alerts
Letting go of a relationship, especially a toxic one or one involving a married man, is much like letting go of an addiction. One’s phone plays a significant role in fueling those addictive behaviors and make them harder to let go of.
According to the late Dr. Helen Fisher, the brain chemistry of someone in love is similar to the brain chemistry of someone who has taken drugs or eaten chocolate, or had a drink. All these things trigger chemicals like endorphins, oxytocin, and vasopressin, all feel-good chemicals that influence romantic bonds. When a relationship ends, the production of these chemicals ceases, leaving many people, especially women, craving more.
One way those feel-good chemicals are produced is when a text alert from an ex comes across one’s phone. Those feel-good chemicals surge again, making someone feel high. Unfortunately, those chemicals only last so long, and the woman is soon left feeling depleted. If a woman blocks her ex, she knows she is forever letting go of the wonderful feeling she gets when she receives a text, the idea of which leads to desperation and despair.
6. Repeated self-sabotaging negative thoughts derail us
Blocking exes is the right thing to do. It will ultimately help you move on. Unfortunately, we tend to get bogged down with persistent negative thoughts about ourselves and our lives, ones that are ultimately self-sabotaging.
According to Dr. Judy Ho, every person has thousands of thoughts a day, some of them positive and, unfortunately, many of them negative. While one might think these negative thoughts are just thoughts, because they are so often repeated, they soon become habits and therefore driving forces in the decisions we make, many of which are self-sabotaging.
When it comes to blocking an ex, these self-sabotaging thoughts rear their ugly head. Sometimes women catastrophize by going directly to the worst-case scenario. If they block them, perhaps they will be alone forever. They might hesitate to block their ex because they don’t want him to be in pain. And, most often, their self-sabotaging thoughts tell them they can’t do it.
And so they don’t.
7. Our happiness depends on the happiness of others
I stumbled upon a term recently, “happiness by proxy,” a term which means our happiness depends on the happiness of others. If there is anything that describes a woman, it is this term.
Because women have the innate need to care for others, when others are unhappy, they are too. When told the best way to end a toxic relationship and move on is by blocking the person who hurt them, paradoxically, women worry about how their ex will feel if they do that. Will they be confused? Sad? Angry? Or, even worse, happy?
As a result, women don’t want to block their ex because they won’t know how their ex will feel, and worry about not being able to help them, and therefore feel miserable themselves. Of course, if a woman doesn’t block her ex, her ex might be happier because he can reach her, but only at her expense.
Why you can't get out of bad relationships
Not being able to block an ex is the number one reason why women are not able to get out of a toxic relationship. By staying attached to their ex, even if just electronically, they will never be able to let go.
Perhaps if a woman is aware of why she just can’t block her ex, it could be because of negative thought patterns or low self-esteem, or a form of addiction, she doesn’t stay because of some love for him, but perhaps something else she struggles with.
Blocking her ex and letting him go just could be the first step in overcoming these struggles, which could, in turn, give her a happy ending.
Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC-based Certified Life Coach who works with individuals who strive to heal their toxic relationships so they can have their happily ever after. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, Psych Central, among many others.
