Couples Who Never Have The Same Fight Twice Do These 6 Things Daily
There's a reason the same issues come up time and again, but they don't have to.
PeopleImages by Yuri A | Shutterstock We've all been there: you want to have a conversation with your partner and feel heard and listened to, but it always degenerates into the same arguments. You may have tried talking calmly, yelling, and you even may have tried the silent treatment. You feel stuck. Fortunately, there are couples who almost never fight about the same thing twice, and we can learn from them.
Before you can learn how to have less fights, you need to figure out what is happening internally. Not just inside of you, but inside of your relationship. This system offers six small-but-impactful steps to helping you break the cycle of fighting over the same thing again and again.
Things couples who never have the same fight twice do these things daily
1. They know the three most common types of relationship problems
Researcher and clinical psychologist Dr. John Gottman defines three types of relationship problems:
- Solvable
- Unsolvable
- Gridlocked perpetual
Solvable problems vary from couple to couple, but they can find a solution to their issue.
Housekeeping, intimacy issues, and money can be a solvable or perpetual problem. It depends on whether or not there are deeper meanings for each partner around the topic.
Perpetual problems are, “problems that center on either fundamental differences in your personalities, or fundamental differences in your lifestyle needs.” Perpetual problems will cause repeated arguments.
Gridlocked perpetual problems differ from perpetual problems, because the issues have been poorly addressed, or one or both of the partners have a hidden agenda or agendas.
2. They refuse to feed each other's negativity
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Your argument might be about anything, such as feeling like it's the hundredth time you've told your partner to pick up their dirty clothes, or that you've been kept in the dark about the flood of Amazon packages arriving all week. It could be inappropriate texting on social media, or simply not listening to you.
No matter what the topic of the argument is this time, Dr. Stan Tatkin, the founder of PACT and author of Wired For Love, indicated that memory, perception, and communication are the cause for arguments. We rely on our memory, yet it changes according to our current state of mind and, therefore, is unreliable.
For example, if you are feeling negative about yourself, you might interpret your partner as being reluctant to spend time with you. But that might not be the case at all.
Due to your emotional state, you may perceive your partner’s actions negatively. Communication is a series of signal-response cues given and received by your partner and you. We all make many errors sending and receiving verbal and nonverbal communication. You may be stuck in this pattern of interpretation and misinterpretation.
3. They listen to one another
When your partner starts talking, even if you disagree strongly, listen rather than talking over them. The same arguments might sound different if you just listened.
Of course, you need to be heard, too. Take turns sharing your thoughts and feelings on the matter.
4. They are their partner's biggest supporter
You can begin by discussing dreams and hopes that you may have avoided or ignored in the past.
Arguments and conflicts occur when couples ignore or dismiss their partners' dreams and hopes. Couples often have the same arguments over and over again when their dreams are not validated and respected.
Dr. John Gottman stated, “Acknowledging and respecting each other’s deepest, most personal hopes and dreams is the key to saving and enriching your marriage.”
You probably want your partner to support and encourage your hopes and dreams, just like your partner wants you to support their hopes and dreams. Do the work to get your emotional roadblocks out of the way so you can show up for them how they need you to.
5. They soothe each other
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When you have the same arguments over and over again, this type of communication (or lack of communication) is usually very stressful and a bad sign for a couple.
It's likely that one or both of you may get angry or not be able to continue the conversation and shut down. Before you start talking about the unresolved topic, you should decide how you will soothe or deescalate yourselves.
6. They identify the 'gridlock' issues
Your goal is to try to stop hurting each other by not having the same arguments without resolution. You can ask yourself, “Is there any way to create a win-win solution around this issue or any small part of this issue?”
You will want to be as flexible as possible, but if you've tried to compromise again and again, and problems continue arising, then you may need to let it go. If it's something you cannot let go of, know that gridlock issues rarely become workable and solvable on their own. Something needs to change.
A qualified therapist can help if you can't seem to let it go. That way, you can refocus and come back together as a team.
Arguments and disagreements are inevitable in any relationship.
When you have the same arguments over and over again with no resolution, you will inevitably feel drained. You can learn the steps to stop or diminish having the same arguments in your own home on a safe teletherapy platform.
Lisa Rabinowitz, LCPC is a licensed counselor, and a Certified Gottman Couples Therapist and PACT Level 3 who works with couples to develop more secure attachment styles for healthy, happy relationships.
