9 Reasons It Feels Impossible To Break Up With Someone (That Have Nothing To Do With Loving Them)
Feeling torn between two strong feelings can quickly throw you off.
Schayan Kasmaei | Unsplash Breaking up with someone because they aren’t the right person for you is heartbreaking. What can be harder, even, is feeling like it's time to end things, but questioning whether it's the right thing to do.
Sometimes you know they aren’t good for you, yet you can’t let them go. But that instinct doesn't necessarily mean you should stay. So take some time and sit with these nine scenarios, and see if you think one or more of them is at work inside of you as you make this decision. Regardless of what you discover, please know that you deserve to be happy, and more than likely, so does your partner.
Here's why it's so impossible to break up with someone
1. Because it was so wonderful in the beginning
- Were things wonderful in the beginning?
- Do you hold on to the memories of when you talked into the night?
- Do you remember the passion?
- Do you think about the magic, dreams, and satisfaction you had finally found your person?
All of those are hard to let go of.
One of the reasons we can’t break up with a partner is because of how wonderful it was in the beginning. We believe if we hold on long enough, we will find the spark of passion, and it will carry us forward.
Unfortunately, it's impossible to go back to the beginning. Even in healthy relationships, the passion of the early relationship will never return. For a healthy relationship, that passion will settle down to contentment and happiness. For an unhealthy one, it will be extinguished forever, never to return.
If you find you have a hard time breaking up, know that trying to get back to the beginning will only cause frustration.
2. Because you think love can change them
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- Do you like to take care of other people?
- Is this especially true when you are in a relationship?
- Do you believe that if you love your person enough, you can change them and therefore change your relationship?
This happens all the time. I remember in one relationship, my boyfriend was really struggling to be successful in the world. His insecurity was making our relationship untenable. I truly believed that if I loved him enough, if I supported him enough, I could fix our relationship by making him feel better about himself. He is now an ex.
If you don't break up, even though you know you should, and you believe your effort alone can fix everything, know you can't. All the love in the world won't change another person's behavior unless they want to change.
If you're one of those people who believe they aren't a quitter and won't leave a relationship, you're unwillingness to quit will lead to unhappiness. You can’t be the only person in a relationship who is fighting for it!
3. Because you don’t want to cause pain
Nobody wants to cause pain to someone they love. Why would we want to inflict pain on someone we still care about?
I get this. But what if they are in pain right now? They are also unhappy because the relationship is struggling. Perhaps they are anxious and preoccupied with the relationship's problems and feel hopeless about the future. Are you still causing more pain by ending the relationship?
When we don't break up, but slowly pull away by giving less and less until we are truly just breadcrumbing them. Our fear of hurting the other person makes us hope that if we give less, the other person will break up. Then we can justify not being the cause of any pain.
This course of action is only more painful. Instead of having the intense pain of a bandage ripped off by a breakup, with the breadcrumbing, it is slowly removed and prolongs the pain.
If you're afraid of causing pain, while it might hurt in the moment, ultimately, you are ending both of your long-term suffering.
4. Because everyone likes them
One client didn't want to break up because of how attached he was to her family. He was distant from his family, and her family had truly embraced him. He had been part of every family event for the past two years. He had helped them build their house. He had gone golfing with her father. He looked at her family as his family.
He didn't want to break up with her because he didn't want to let his new family down or lose them. So he stayed. Unfortunately, because the relationship was an unhealthy one, the family encouraged their daughter to let him go and move on. Because he drew it out and caused their daughter pain, the separation from the family was not a healthy one, and he had to let it go completely.
Are you staying because your friends say your partner is so wonderful? Or your mom is so excited you finally found the one? If you hold on to what other people say, you extend the misery. Neither your family nor your friends are in your relationship and understand the dynamics.
5. Because you fear you'll never love or be loved again
We hesitate to break up because we worry about never loving or being loved again. We could build a life, even if the love isn't what we hoped it would be. So we stay, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole and are miserable.
Fitting a square peg into a round hole only leads to dissatisfaction. If you can let go of this relationship and put yourself out there for a new one, you are more likely to receive the love you want. Letting go of someone you can't love completely is the best gift you can give them because it allows them to find true love as well.
6. Because you are trauma-bonded
Many people stay in relationships that aren't working because they are trauma-bonded. They do not stay because of love but because of a shared trauma that keeps them together.
Trauma bonding happens over time and can be difficult for the person who has an unhealthy attachment to see and understand.
Signs of trauma bonding:
- A need for constant verbal affirmation
- A partner manipulating you into doing what they want
- An uneven power dynamic
- A history constantly repeating itself.
Often, people in relationships that display these signs become bonded to their partner not because of love but toxicity, which is something hard to recognize. So, ask what has happened in your relationship to see if perhaps your bond is an unhealthy one.
7. Because you rely on them
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One of the reasons breaking up is never easy is that we have been in a long-term relationship, and we become reliant on our partner. We need them to support us to live our lives.
What that kind of support looks like can be varied. Sometimes it's financial support, with your partner helping you pay rent or tuition. Sometimes it's emotional, and you need your partner to help you get through difficult times. Sometimes you just enjoy having someone around to help you with the chores.
Whatever kind of support you get, know you will figure things out if you break up with them. After all, you had many years without them, years you managed just fine, and you will do the same when your breakup is complete.
8. Because dating again is daunting
I get it! Dating sucks! Nobody wants to do it if they don't have to. But that's no reason to stay with someone.
If you are staying with someone because you don't want to date again, you're doing both a disservice. Yes, dating can be a horrible thing, but it is a thing that leads you to find the person you're meant to be with. Having to get back on the horse might be daunting, but it isn't the end of the world.
You can date. You have done so before. And you can again. Yes, the prospect might feel yucky, but you can't do it!
9. Because hope never dies
One of the most interesting things about human beings is that, inherently, hope never dies.
I often wonder about people who are in plane crashes, and until the moment the plane crashes, do they have hope they will survive? I am guessing they do. The human heart and brain want to believe it will all work out in the end.
Are you hoping that if you hold onto this relationship, you can make it work? Are you hoping that if you are a better person, give more, or if they change, then you can live happily ever after? If yes, you could just be hoping and not based in reality.
Heartbreaking, I know, but true.
It's never easy, but that doesn't make it wrong
The prospect of being alone, of hurting someone, of having to start dating all over again, is making you hesitate to let go. But, hopefully, knowing why you are having a hard time breaking up helps you understand it is not because you truly love them, but because of reasons way more complex.
You can do this. You can break up with this person to free both of you and find love and happiness. Go for it
Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC-based Certified Life Coach who works with individuals who strive to heal their toxic relationships so they can have their happily ever after. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, Psych Central, among many others.
