9 Signs You've Outgrown The Person You Once Loved, According To Psychology
Love can fade, and people will inevitably drift apart.
Africa images | Canva Some people say they "just knew" they were dating their future spouse, but what about the rest of us? What happens when you're not sure if you have outgrown the person you once loved so deeply you couldn't imagine anything else?
When you're considering a long-term commitment or marriage, you might be uncertain. Have you found your forever person, or are you in an unhealthy relationship? So, it's time to ask the tough questions to figure out how true your love is and how long it will last.
Here are 9 signs you've outgrown the person you once loved, according to psychology:
1. You don't find their quirks charming anymore
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If you're fixating on their flaws, they may not be the one you want, or you may not be ready for a serious relationship. Cutting them loose allows you time to grow and meet someone whose flaws you can either embrace or at least accept.
Dating coach Lana Otoya explained, "You need to be compatible with your partner in more ways than simply just getting along. If you are incompatible, there is nothing wrong with either of you; it's simply a matter of finding the right person. You don’t work well together. It wasn't meant to be."
There are no perfect people, but compatibility is still vital to a loving relationship.
2. You don't trust them
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A small dose of jealousy can be healthy, but if you're hacking into their email account and popping Xanax when they hit up happy hour without you, something is wrong.
If there's something about them that truly warrants your distrust, then perhaps they are not the right one for you. Without full trust from both partners, a relationship will grow contemptuous.
3. You avoid conflict at all costs
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Fighting is healthy, and when done right (in a non-accusatory, rational way), it is a great way to air grievances, fix problems in your relationship, and come to a deeper understanding of each other. Ignoring problems is not the same as having no problems at all, even if it looks that way.
Psychologist Margaret Paul advised, "If you are honestly avoiding a moment of conflict to go off and reflect, then you are truly disengaging in a loving manner. This is very different from checking out. But if you’re just telling yourself that you’ll use the time to process the conflict, but never revisit the issue with your partner, you may be just avoiding the problem."
4. You never turn to them for comfort
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When you're a giant ball of tears and snot, do you lock yourself in the bathroom so they can't see you at your worst? If you're worried about scaring them away, it's possible that one of you isn't ready for a commitment. They should make you smile through your tears, and be a calming, not stressful, presence.
Intuitive healer Inga Nielsen advised, "If you're in love with someone who cannot love you back, who seeks help rather than a relationship, it's not because you are unlovable or you have to try harder. It may be that the very foundation you're building your relationship on is based on old, unhealed pain. Building your relationships on saving, caring, and giving, until you are fed up and have had enough, is an indicator of trying to resolve a wound within you. In basic terms, it's a recipe for disaster."
5. You can't imagine a future with them
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Ask yourself: Would they make a great parent? Are they financially responsible? Would they be an equal partner in your future together? If you have doubts, you probably aren't meant to be.
"I firmly believe the key to understanding how to have a happy, healthy relationship lies in focusing on the future," said couples counselor Brittney Lindstrom, "You can’t change the past, but you can change your approach to future relationships. Instead of thinking about the should've's, could've's, and would've's, think about the little changes you can make that will strengthen and enhance whatever will be next."
6. Your goals are incompatible
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You want kids; they don't. You go to church every week; they are an atheist. They live in the country and don't want to move; you can't imagine ever leaving the city. You can overcome superficial differences, but differences in basic values are harder to smooth over. Ask yourself: Would I be willing to compromise on this? If the answer is no, move on.
"Conflict will happen, it’s inevitable. But the conflict doesn’t have to get ugly and messy, or make us speak in negative ways toward our partners. If the communication is breaking down, take a break and come back to the conversation. It's more important to be loving than to be right," explained life counselor Janika Veasley.
7. You don't respect each other
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They put you down in front of your friends and complain about you to their parents. You roll your eyes when they talk because there's just something about them that embarrasses you. A relationship without respect can't sustain itself.
Psychotherapist Lynda Klau, PhD, explained how respect and compassion work together, "Compassion and empathy are both extremely important parts of a healthy relationship. That means you practice observing yourself and your partner without judging. Part of you might judge, but you don't have to identify with it. Judging closes a door. The opposite of judging is compassion. When you are compassionate, you are open, connected, and more available to communicate respectfully with your partner."
8. You're no longer attracted to them
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Intimacy is a hugely important component of a romantic relationship. If they don't do it for you, they are not your best long-term match.
Therapist Leigh Norén elaborated, "While you might have been drawn to your partner because of the way they looked, attraction is often multi-layered and depends on lots of different things. For some, it’s about the way their partner sounds when they laugh, for others, it’s about the way they smell, the jokes they tell, or the way they shower them with attention."
9. You have a strange gut feeling
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"Intuition never steers you wrong because you see events more clearly," explained life coach Jean Walters. "Intuition does not emanate from fear; thus, decisions that come forth from intuition are not reactionary. They are insightful! Intuition promotes peace because it comes forth from a calm mind. For that reason, confidence and clarity are by-products of intuition."
Don't ignore your gut. You may get along on a superficial level, but if your instincts are telling you they are not the one for you, listen. That little voice inside your head does not lie.
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