5 Things Almost Every Woman Learns The Hard Way When It Comes To Men, Backed By Psychology
The lessons most women don't fully grasp about men, until it's too late.
Istvan Szitas | Unsplash Finding true love is complicated. When we were young, we believed that someday our prince would come and sweep us off our feet, and then we would live happily ever after. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way, and instead, we find ourselves wondering, "Will I ever find love?"
Despite all the dating and relationship advice that's out there, people are only human, and our life experiences lead us to act a certain way and, oftentimes, in a way that doesn’t serve us. This is especially the case with women who are still figuring out how to find true love in relationships.
We are so programmed to love and take care of others in relationships that we often blind ourselves to the truth about the person we're dating. And, often, we don’t notice until a relationship is too far gone to salvage. But there are some important lessons that, once learned, can help you find love and build successful, healthy relationships. Here are 5 pieces of dating and relationship advice on how to find true love that most women learn way too late.
Here are five things almost every woman learns the hard way when it comes to men, backed by psychology:
1. Being intimate with him won’t make him fall in love with you
There isn’t a single woman I know who hasn’t, at some point in her life, been intimate with a man because she wanted him to fall in love with her. And, almost without exception, it just doesn’t work. Men want intimacy ... as much intimacy as they can get. But for many men, intimacy does not equal love. It does not even equal like.
For women, intimacy is different. Being intimate brings about an emotional connection — the emotional connection that women crave. As a result, women believe that if she is intimate with a man, not only will she be giving him what he wants, but she will also establish an emotional connection with him, and that he will love her. Does it work that way? Usually no. The best reason to be intimate with a guy is that you want to. Beyond that, there are no guarantees.
2. If he isn’t communicating with you, he isn’t interested
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How many times have you sat by the phone and waited, watching the screen for that text alert from the new guy you're dating? Or turn on your phone after a movie, desperately hoping that there will be a message from the guy you like? And how many times have you been disappointed?
Something that you must know about love is that a guy who isn’t communicating with you isn’t interested. Period. You can tell yourself that he is busy, that he is out of range, or that he is sleeping. But if he regularly goes dark on you, only to reappear later with excuses, then he isn’t interested.
Guys are hunters. It’s in their nature. And if they want to communicate with you, or be with you, they will move heaven and earth to do so. And if they don’t, they won’t. Also, those guys who disappear and then reappear are most likely reappearing because they are bored, sitting in front of a game or a taxi, and flipping through their phone. Don’t let them fool you or suck you back in. Move on.
A man's decreased communication can indeed be a significant sign of waning interest in a relationship, according to relationship research. When someone is genuinely interested, they tend to maintain consistent communication, while a decline in contact, shorter conversations, and lack of engagement often signal a potential disinterest. This is because communication acts as the lifeline of connection in any relationship.
3. If you get clingy, he will pull away... for good
Unfortunately, the worst thing that a woman who is looking for love can do is to get clingy with her man. We get clingy for a variety of reasons: jealousy, insecurity, fear of the unknown, and possessiveness. All of these feelings exist for a reason, but if they manifest themselves with clinginess, you will drive your man away.
It is important to know who you are in a relationship. Be yourself. Be honest. Be secure in his feelings for you. If you can’t, then you need to address it head-on, in a measured and temperate way, not by getting clingy.
If you get clingy, your man will disappear. He may return if you can resolve your feelings and no longer be clingy, but he will disappear again if it resumes. This time for good. So, do some work on yourself. Make sure you are confident in yourself before dating or getting into a relationship, and know that you will be okay if it doesn’t work out. It's not easy, but it is possible.
Research has found that this behavior, often stemming from anxious attachment styles, can create an imbalance and put pressure on the relationship, leading to resentment and a desire for distance from the other partner. While everyone has needs in a relationship, excessive neediness and clinginess, characterized by a constant desire for attention, validation, and reassurance, can negatively impact relationship dynamics.
4. If you don’t love yourself, then he won’t either
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So many of us go into dating like we are hunks of clay, waiting to be molded into whatever shape is necessary to make a relationship work. We don’t know who we are outside of a relationship, and we feel that only by connecting with another person will we know who we are. This is so not true! It is important to know who you are in this world, especially as you look for true love or get into a relationship.
If you know who you are, what your beliefs and values are, what is important to you in every aspect of your life, and what you can and can’t live without, then you will be the kind of person that someone falls in love with. You will exude self-confidence, and you will attract someone you deserve.
If, conversely, you wait until you find a guy to figure out who you are or, even worse, change yourself for a guy, then you will end up unhappy and alone. Being anything other than yourself is a lie, and lies just aren’t sustainable. Plus, a woman who is lying to herself will only attract guys who will lie to her. So, know who you are in this world and find the guy you deserve.
While it's not a universal truth, some research argues that lacking self-love can certainly make it more challenging for you to build a healthy relationship. Low self-esteem can manifest as needing excessive external validation, which can be draining and unsustainable in a relationship.
5. If you break up with him, you will be just fine
This is something that many of us simply do not believe when it comes to finding love. We believe that under no circumstances will we be okay alone. The world is a place for couples, and being single just isn’t acceptable.
As someone who has spent almost four years alone, I can tell you that being alone is not only fine but awesome. Being alone means that you get to rise and sleep when you want, never watch any sports program that you don’t want to watch, and never have to clean around the base of the toilet or pick up someone else's laundry off the floor.
You can travel where you want, when you want, and with whom. You can spend your money as you see fit. You are in charge of your universe. Don’t get me wrong. I know that being with someone else is a wonderful thing. But being with someone because you don’t think you can be alone is not a wonderful thing. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love, respect, and cherish you is not better than being alone.
When you are with someone who doesn’t love, cherish, and respect you, then your life is full of angst and moment-to-moment ups and downs of being at the mercy of someone else’s whims. This will cause you pain every day.
Wouldn’t it just be better to be alone, watching Orange is the New Black, and having a glass of wine? We all make mistakes in the search for true love. We want it so badly that we are willing to do anything, to compromise everything, to have it. And we tend to do the same things over and over and never learn.
One of the things that you must know about finding love is that it is never too late. Be who you are, do things because you want to do them; don’t compromise your self-worth, and don’t let yourself be lied to. Be the strong woman you know that you are and attract the love that you deserve.
Mitzi Bockmann is an NYC-based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate who works exclusively with women to help them be all they want to be. Mitzi's bylines have appeared in The Good Men Project, MSN, PopSugar, Prevention, Huffington Post, and Psych Central, among many others.
