What EXACTLY To Do When Your Marriage Feels Like It's Almost Over

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What EXACTLY To Do When Your Marriage Feels Like It's Almost Over

Marriage is a rollercoaster.

I hear this comment almost every week: "It’s hopeless, my entire marriage is a mess, it’s utterly pointless."

Perhaps you are feeling this right now as you live day in day out in what is slowly becoming a loveless marriage.

Take a step back. Let’s look at the aerial picture. It’s not the entire marriage that is hopeless; it isn’t every moment that isn’t working; it’s a part of it that you, perhaps, just can’t see a way out of.  

The key on how to save your marriage is to be able to refocus yourself on your feelings, what is working for you, what is working for you both and then see what changes can be made. 

At the moment, all you see is a pool of negativity with seemingly no way out, with perhaps the following sentences are coming to mind:

  • "My relationship will never get better."
  • "Nothing works anyway, why should I even bother to try."
  • "I will never have what I really want."
  • "I’ll never be happy."
  • "The whole world is against me."

And perhaps this sheer hopelessness has started to impact on other areas of your life so you don’t bother with your friends, you don’t care about your diet or your body, and then you just feel worse as you spiral downwards.

Are you resonating so far?

Having been married for 28 years, we’ve had periods of ‘hopelessness’, so I know what this feels like, where you think that with all that was going on right now, how can we ever be happy again?

Well, the truth is you can. Ian and I have never been happier than we are right now. 

The beauty of the work that you can start doing today is that it only takes you to change your behavior!

In this post, I want to give you hope that you can do this, so trust me this far.

First of all, before we look at the marriage itself we need to take a look at you and get that self-confidence, self-worth, and strength back inside of you.

Remind yourself the marriage is not over, it’s a rollercoaster. We’re just at the bottom of a wave right now  you can be on top of that surf again.

  • Focus on all the positive things about yourself. When a negative thought comes to mind say, "Cancel! Cancel!"
  • Learn to stay in the now practicing gratitude, meditation, or simply pinching yourself to stay present.
  • Put yourself first. This is a selfless act so do things that make you feel good and reminds you that you are enough.
  • Do things without expectation, just because you can.
  • Stop trying to change your partner. He sees life very differently from you and wearing different spectacles.

Now that you’re feeling a little better about yourself and that self-confidence is growing so you feel a little more worth, it’s time to start looking at the relationship.

Accept him for who he is. You don’t have to like and support everything about him but accepting him exactly as he stands right now gives you the freedom of mind to react to him the way you feel is right for you:

1. Listen to understand.

When your husband speaks to you, try and put yourself in his shoes, not coming out with an answer you have been forming whilst he’s speaking.

2. Agree with him.

It is his opinion. To take the sting out of an argument, agree with his opinion, but it doesn’t mean it’s your opinion (you are not a doormat either). It means that you are understanding him. If he asks for your opinion, give it. Otherwise, don’t.

3. Work out what 5 things will make your partners’ life better.

If you’re struggling with this, simply ask him and make a point of writing them down and achieving at least one a week.

4. Start hugging and kissing again.

Show compassion towards him, show him you care. Surprise him because you can, not because you want a reaction from him. You take charge.

5. Prioritize time together.

Feeling better about yourself, you can now start putting the marriage first, even before the children. Take time out together and make your time alone important. Perhaps, do a hobby together, work out a joint goal, eat meals out, or go to the cinema. Whatever it is, make the two of you a priority.

6. You take the lead in all of this.

Don’t wait for him to do it. Show him through your behavior and do it because you can and want to, not because you want something back from him. It may take time but that’s fine, you didn’t get into this overnight did you?

7. Learn how to share your inner thoughts without being scared.

Always stick up for him in social situations. Do not threaten him when arguing that you will just leave. Be the one to take the lead in love by showing him.

Long-term relationships are a roller coaster. They can be difficult and they do have their hard times but it’s from these we gain that strength to face the challenges that life throws at us. Don’t throw away your relationship because you don’t know what to do and feel in total despair.

There is always hope. Do something different this time; it will be worth it. Don’t be alone either, reach out and ask for help, it will be the most courageous thing you have done to date.

Louise Armstrong is a Family Relationship Coach, Counsellor and Clinical Hypnotherapist. If you’re struggling with your relationship, come and join her closed FB group especially created for women to move forwards in a caring, non-judgemental environment, “Let’s Talk Relationship & Life.” Take the relationship quiz here and see where your relationship is right now.