5 Ways To Stop Being Jealous (Because It's Only Making You MISERABLE)

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how to stop being jealous
Love, Self

Jealousy is normal when fleeting. It can mean something is up. But when intense, it is toxic.

Jealousy: an unhappy and angry feeling created because you believe that someone you desire desires someone else.  

There is nothing worse than when this feeling takes hold and you begin to question everything your lover does.   

Is he home 10 minutes late? A whispered conversation on his phone during the evening? All of these become signs that he wants someone else.

Most people experience jealousy at some point during their lives. The most common cause of jealousy is insecurity. When you are not sure of your own attractiveness and your own worth, it is easy to become worried that your lover will find someone more attractive and may well choose to leave you as a result.   

Often, jealousy is a result of a lack of time rather than a lack of affection. You want your lover to spend the day with you. She has to work. You find yourself feeling jealous of her workmates.

What may surprise you is that often, the people who are insecure in their romantic relationships are not insecure throughout their lives. Extremely confident business people can find themselves intensely insecure in their romantic connections

Another reason that people feel jealous is that they have problems trusting people. If your general outlook on life is that people are not trustworthy, you will be more likely to find yourself jealous and probably quite a of the time.

Another cause of jealousy is an anxious attachment style. People who have this style of attachment fear that they will lose the people with whom they've become attached. They fear their partners will not love them enough and do not expect their partners to be able to reliably meet their needs.

Jealousy, as a fleeting emotion, can act as a signal that something in the relationship is awry. It can also highlight a temporary drop in self-confidence or self-esteem. Frequent jealousy can destroy a relationship. 

This type of jealousy usually feels obsessive. It can feel impossible to take your attention off the things that you are feeling jealous about. It can increase suspiciousness throughout the relationships. It creates a constant negative atmosphere wherever you go. 

If you find yourself feeling jealous regularly, try to figure out if there is any reality to this jealousy. Is your partner really interested in someone else?  

Do you usually get jealous in relationships? If so, it is more likely that the source of the jealousy is entirely you. 

If you don’t usually get jealous, what are the signs that are making you uncomfortable? Has your partner’s behavior changed? Has your partner changed how they dress? Are they taking more time with their appearance? Are they suddenly getting calls in the evening and ending them quickly when you come within hearing distance?   

If there are signs that your partner is pulling away or being unfaithful, find a way to gain confirmation that this is what is happening. Set up a time to talk with your partner to explore your concerns. Do not accuse or be confrontational or the outcome is likely to be negative whether your partner is truly pulling away, unfaithful or not.  

If you find evidence of infidelity, take a breath and then consider talking to a neutral party (like a therapist or coach) alone and then hopefully together to figure out the next steps.

If the jealousy lies within you, it can tear you up inside. The sooner you are able to get rid of corrosive jealousy, the better. 

Do you want to know how to stop being jealous? Here are 5 tips for tackling and eliminating jealousy that comes from within:

1. Increase your confidence. 

Start with your physical confidence. If you don’t yet love your body, do what you need to do in order to love it. Make the changes that will help increase your positive feelings about yourself. 

Next, detail the positive things about you. What do you bring that's of value to a relationship? What are your most special qualities?

2. Practice positive thinking. 

At first, this can seem really artificial. It can be difficult because it does not feel real. Feel your feelings and do it anyway. Change negative thoughts into positive ones. Practice affirmations

Do whatever you need to do in order to keep your thinking positive.

3. Practice gratitude. 

Start each day focusing on everything you are grateful for. Keep a gratitude book where you write about those things and people that you are grateful for. Say your thanks out loud. Meditate on gratitude and the things and people and situations you are grateful for in your life. 

Do this in the morning and again in the evening. Instead of negatively comparing yourself to others, wishing you had something they have, worrying that they are better than you and that your partner will prefer to spend time with them, highlight those things you feel grateful for.

4. Take some time each day to connect with your partner.  

Hold hands at breakfast. Make sure to kiss them when you get up, when you leave in the morning, and when you re-connect in the evening. 

Make sure to engage in at least two big hugs. Cuddle close while you are in bed at night for a few minutes or while watching TV or a movie. If you are at a distance from your partner, make sure to call or Skype or Zoom each day.   

If you cannot easily coordinate times, leave each other video messages. Make sure that you are always connecting each day.

5. Get help if you need it. 

Engage in therapy, coaching, and personal development to resolve anything from your past that negatively impacts your self-esteem and the rest of your life. Do this so you continue to develop and improve, working to be the best version of you that you can be, and reaching for your dreams. 

You can learn to change your attachment style so you can resolve the attachment issues from your past and learn new skills for the present and future. 

Dr. Lori Beth is a sex & intimacy coach, registered psychologist, speaker, educator and author who works with individuals, couples and polyamorous groups to find and create their ideal intimate relationships. If you want her help resolving toxic jealousy, book a 30-minute strategy session with her here or email her.