Your Fake Relationship


Not having access to yourself is an investment in being dead that inevitably dooms your relationship

               I’ve been noticing something tragic in my practice when I meet with individuals who are horribly suffering in their romantic relationships. The individual is an actor playing a part and is so lost in their acting role that they actually don’t know who they are themselves. Worse than not knowing who they are, they are unaware that they don’t know who they are. This creates all sorts of trouble.

               The consequence of not knowing who you are is that you are then incapable of making positive changes which creates the inevitability that you are constantly degrading in character. As your character degrades you start to lose the ability to understand the difference between a constructive or destructive choice and ultimately become indifferent to the distinction. You invest in being the walking dead that settles for just consuming what is near with no real path or objective.

               To not invest in being dead, there has to be an understanding of what your life is, how your relationships function and who you are at more than a manifest, surface or delusional level. When this is practiced, your passions and drives can then be purposefully directed aggressively towards ever evolving constructive goals for your life and relationships. If this basic maturational step isn’t done, you’re doomed to repeat your past and fall victim to your destined fate. We can’t help but compulsively repeat our past.

               The cost of a lack of minimal self-understanding is destructiveness towards yourself and a projection of that self-hatred out and towards others or complete isolation. You forfeit your life and make believe you’re alive.

               The cost of making maturational steps is that you start to uncover constructive truths and these truths will propel your world into uncertain greatness even when you are suffering due to circumstances you have no control over. Your destructive utopia that you have invested into will crumble away piece by piece. This doesn’t have to happen all at once since you can severely hurt yourself and slow down progress, unless your life immediately depends on it.

                The wife that does everything to make her community believe that she lives in a happy home with happy children and a happy husband will have to face the terrors of truth. She may be severely unhappy because the kids aren’t doing great, she’s crumbling and her husband doesn’t care. Once she explores, sees, and understands her reality, her role in the destructive utopia and has a starting path towards constructive truth and change, she can manifest those truths into actions and make constructive changes which will create opportunities in her life and in the lives of those around her. It will hurt, but at least you’re suffering for a good future.

               Another outcome of not knowing you are is that you will not have the ability to know who your lover is. If we are actors, playing the role we believe our lovers want us to be, we can never know who our lover is. We can only know our lover at the same level of depth as we know ourselves. Why do we neglect to know ourselves and others?

              One primary reason is that very few people know or want to know how to love or be loved. If you are to be loved, not your actor self, then your lover is going to have to love the constructive and destructive parts of you. When someone is invested in all parts of you, destructive and constructive, you will be held accountable for all those parts. When you become accountable for all parts of yourself, you become responsible for changing yourself for the better because when you better yourself you better your relationship. There is no way to avoid responsibility when you are truly being loved by someone. You can reject their love, but it is inevitable that you will confront your true self.

             To love someone is as much work as being loved. To really love someone, you have to know yourself at depth which allows you to know them at depth. As you accept all of yourself you can then see and accept all of someone else and start to negotiate with each other the parts that are destructive towards your relationship.

            If you and your lover are not loving or being loved you’re in a fake relationship. Some may find the word “fake” harsh, but it is fake if you are primarily functioning as actors. The relationship is then just a delusional fantasy. Relationships are between two people who do all the work, but they also reap the rewards of their work. They have long lasting enjoyment and trust in the other because they actually know the other person will be there for them and do not just hope that the other person will be there for them or make believe that they know that the other person will be there for them.

            Daily, I try to ask myself if I’m just acting a part in my life because I believe it will get me ahead or save me from pain. It’s never worth playing a disingenuous role. It guarantees much pain with a high chance of learning nothing.

Adam Ayala is a Modern Psychoanalytical Relationship Specialist practicing in Brookline, Massachusetts and Orlando, Florida. For more of his work and to contact him visit his website AdamAyala.org.