Why The Hell We're All So Damn UNHAPPY In Our Relationships

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unhappy in relationships
Love, Self

Here's the truth.

As someone who speaks to people across the world every day about dating and relationships, I can confidently say there is a growing dissatisfaction with the “state of the date” these days and I probably didn’t have to tell you that.

I didn’t have to tell you that people are unhappy in relationships because odds are you’ve been experiencing the same exact issue. And if you’re in a committed relationship or married, you’ve been hearing the same frustrations from your friends and family members.

Why, though, is this? We seem to have everything we want. We have WiFi in our cars. Our phones take 4k video. We can work from a laptop on a beach if we want to. So, why the hell are we so damn unhappy with our relationships?

The truth is that we have become SO caught up with all of the frosting that we’ve forgotten about the cake. We are no longer building genuine bonds with each other. We are too concerned about stuffing our nose into our phone will wearing headphones during our coffee order that we don’t stop to look around and maybe start up a conversation.

“Nobody does that anymore,” you think to yourself. I do. I do that every single day. If I go out around Los Angeles and DON’T at least say hello to a stranger while I’m ordering food or coffee or a drink, I consider the day a fail.

And let’s say for a second you’re right — that nobody does that anymore. Therein lies the exact problem I’m talking about. People want/crave/need human interaction with each other. We want to learn how to connect with others to prevent being unhappy in relationships. We are a social, gregarious species. We feel unfulfilled and lonely without human relationships (either platonic or intimate).

So, as we isolate ourselves from each other while attempting to use social media as real “connection,” what is it that we are actually doing?

We are moving further and further away from finding what we are actually looking for: Real connection to another human being. Connection with depth. Substance. Meaning.

This is why we are unhappy in relationships and dating is becoming a thing of the past. We think we can press a button and find everything we want:

Need a ride? You’ve got Uber.

Need some food? You’ve got whatever food app you like.

Need some sex? Thank goodness for Tinder.

Yet while a ride or some food could satisfy the route of your craving, sex without connection is merely a band-aid solution. Is it fun? Obviously. Does it give you some short-term satisfaction? Of course. Could it lead to a relationship? Absolutely!

But does sex — and sex alone — give you that true connection to another human being that you’re craving deep down? No. It can add to an existing connection, but it cannot create it without the emotional and mental pieces of the puzzle also being in place.

And here’s the real kicker. Ready? It starts with you.

I’ve said this about a million times, but I’m going to say it again. The most important relationship you’ll ever have is with yourself. If that one isn’t healthy, none of your others will be.

And we are attempting to create that relationship with ourselves through validation from others in the form of Instagram likes or comments. It doesn’t work that way. So if we don’t take the time to develop a genuine love for ourselves, how can we expect anyone else to love us genuinely, either? Or better yet, how can we expect to genuinely love another?

If we stay on this path, we’ll never find what we’re looking for and will remain unhappy in relationships. Why? Because it simply doesn’t exist in the places we are looking. It exists within your own heart, and then in your heart’s recognition of itself in another.

But your heart can’t see what’s in front of it if it’s always blocked by your phone.

This article was originally published at James M Sama. Reprinted with permission from the author.