3 Ways Good Sex BRAINWASHES Women

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great sex, abusive relationship
Love, Heartbreak

Don't get caught up in it.

My boyfriend (whom we’ll call Xavier) and I hadn’t made love in a month. That’s because exactly one month earlier — at approximately 11:58 and 30 seconds PM — I walked into his apartment to discover another woman there. Still clothed, thankfully, but Xavier kicked me out.

I slunk home in despair, vowing never, never, never to go back to him, as I’d done for less egregious offenses in the past.

But over the course of our abstinent month, Xavier pursued me like the hound does the hare. He’d “done some soul-searching” and tried to convince me that losing me had changed him forever.

He wrote me notes that said things like, “I’m ready now to give you everything you’ve asked for. Just take my hand babe, and we can soar!” Riveting stuff. Just what my wounded ego wanted to hear. So I chose to believe him, and after my month of painful resistance and withdrawal, I flew into his arms again.

Best sex ever! I never felt so desired, treasured, connected. Finally, I was HOME! Literally.

Without delving too deeply into the Freudian trope, Xavier was my first stepdad. Tall. Dark. Handsome. And incapable of commitment and fidelity. But time and again our great sex brainwashed me into thinking he had to be the one. The great sex simply had to mean something.

The man I dated before Xavier — you know, the committed conscientious guy — well, that sex had been just “okay.” Not like sex with my current beau, where we’d: “...burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes 'Awww!'" ― Jack Kerouac

It took me years working 12-step recovery to understand that sex is not love. And that often, sex lies.

Recent forays into a study of the brain have helped us make huge strides in understanding addiction; giving more credence to the fact that addiction is a type of mental illness, rather than the behavior of an undisciplined person. This includes Sex & Love Addiction, which is defined by a recent Psychology Today article as “a compulsive, chronic craving and/or pursuit of romantic love.”

Not every woman is susceptible to Sex & Love Addiction, but those of us who are usually have suffered from “childhood neglect or abandonment, rejection, emotional or sexual abuse.”

For women like us, it’s important to note that: “Sex is a gateway drug to becoming addicted to a toxic, emotionally tumultuous man.”

Here's how sex brainwashes women:

1. Oxytocin

Oxytocin has been described as the “cuddle” or “love hormone” and it’s released during sex. This hormone is powerful because when it’s released we automatically begin to attach to and trust the man responsible for triggering it. And oxytocin is more an issue for women than men, because estrogen promotes oxytocin, while testosterone inhibits it.

2. Dopamine

Dopamine is also released during sex and initiates a reward circuit in the brain which creates lasting memories of it as a pleasurable experience.

In her Psychology Today article, Samantha Smithstein writes, “Dopamine changes the brain on a cellular level, commanding the brain to ‘do it again,’ which heightens the possibility of relapse even long after the behavior has stopped. Dopamine helps to explain why intense experiences can be just as addictive as drugs.”

And guess what? The more volatile and unpredictable our sex life is with a toxic guy and an abusive relationship, the hotter the sex.

In her article, “Your Brain on Love, Sex, and the Narcissist,” Shahida Arabi writes, “Abusive tactics like intermittent reinforcement work well with our dopamine system because studies show that dopamine flows more readily when the rewards are given out on an unpredictable schedule rather than predictably conditioned ones.”

3. Adrenaline

Adrenaline is considered the “stress/anxiety hormone” and is what triggers fight-or-flight in stressful circumstances. When we’re involved in a volatile, unpredictable abusive relationship, we’re frequently drowning in adrenaline, which in turn releases dopamine, perpetuating our addiction to our toxic guy.

If you’re in a relationship with incendiary sex but painful emotional abuse, there are a few things to know:


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This article was originally published at Huffington Post. Reprinted with permission from the author.