You Can't Love A Man For His Potential

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talking about the future

It's all about who he is, right now.

"Where do you see yourself in five years?"

Peter looked at me from across the picnic table and took a sip of his beer. Whether it was on a job interview or a first date, this question always gave me a little anxiety. We haven't even learned each other's middle names yet. Why are we talking about the future and the next five years

Some of your friends who are self-proclaimed dating "experts" will tell you to ask this question. They claim it's best to cut through the bullsh*t of getting to know someone and figure out what they want for the future ASAP.

Homegirls don't want you to waste any more of your time on losers without a plan. It's sweet, but stupid. 

In theory, it's easy to see why this approach makes sense. By figuring out early on if he wants the same things as you, you can avoid getting attached to someone who doesn't share your same values. 

But here's the thing people forget about talking about the "future:" It's all kind of bullsh*t. 


No matter how hard you try to prep and plan for your next five years, things will never be in your control. And basing your decisions on things that haven't even happened yet — and may not ever happen — is a little insane. 

You can't choose a guy based on who he might be in the future. That's like buying a bunch of size 0 jeans because you're sure you're going to start that diet next week. 

When you put all your focus on the future, you ignore the present — which, by the way, is the only thing that's actually real. You'll never live in the next five years. You only live in the current moment. 

This kind of backward thinking is why nice girls who want to someday get married get into relationships with deadbeats who don't believe in monogamy. She says she wants kids. He says "maybe someday."

She pins all her hopes on that someday, and the potential future dad he might be while ignoring the fact that he currently can't keep a goldfish alive for more than two weeks. 


So rather than worry about the person he might be in the future (and all the potential wonderful qualities he may one day possess) try paying attention to who he is right now. Does he share similar values that are important to you, right now? Does he act the way you'd want a boyfriend to act, right now? Does he treat you with the kind of respect you deserve, right now? 

If you're struggling to figure out of this guy is worth more of your time and effort, look at what he's doing this current moment. Not what he might do in the future. 

And if that doesn't line up with what you want — right now — then listen to your homegirls and don't waste your time.