5 Douchey Things Guys Need To STOP Putting On Their Dating Profiles

Photo: Emily Blackwood 
5 Things Men Should NEVER Do On Online Dating Apps

Men of the world: quit it.

If you have yet to experience the world of online dating, here's a hint: it's super weird. 

Basically, you're selling yourself as a romantic partner to whatever gender you're trying to attract. Armed with 4 or 5 vacation photos and just a few short sentences, you have to convince the virtual world that you are worthy of love in a way that doesn't totally scream insecurity (even though we could argue that this whole process does, and that's OKAY). 

Some people are gifted and can create alluring, relatable profiles that actually want to make you swipe right. And other people are, well, not so lucky. 

As a heterosexual woman, I've only had to pleasure of viewing men's profiles on dating apps like Tinder and Bumble. So I can't speak for failures of women, though I'm sure we've had many. My experience of bad profiles are that of the poorly misguided male creature. 

Most of the guys I've swiped left on (which means "said no to" in Tinder language mom) went beyond simply "not being my type." It was more along the lines of "Oh god," and "Why would you say that," and sometimes even "I feel like this is the kind of guy that would put me in the back of a trunk." 

The sad part is, most of these guys are normal dudes, and the likelihood of a real serial killer using Bumble is probably low.

The guys we call creepy probably aren't that creepy. They just don't know how to properly sell themselves online. And we really can't blame them for that because, as previously stated, it's a weird thing to do. 

So while I'd love to individually makeover every misguided gentleman's Tinder page, I am sadly just one woman, and I cannot save you all. 

But if you were wondering what we in the online dating realm consider no-nos, please read the following and adjust your bio accordingly: 

1. Photos of other people's kids


When we're goin' through your pictures, and we see a kid, we automatically think, "OH, he has a kid."

We then start an internal debate on if we're ready to date someone with kids, what we would do if baby mama is crazy, are we really at this point in our lives where we're dating people with kids, God we're so old now. etc.

Then a few seconds later, we read your bio only to find out that the kid is just your nephew. WE HAVEN'T EVEN MATCHED YET AND YOU'RE ALREADY TRYING TO CONFUSE US. THIS IS WHY WE HAVE TRUST ISSUES DAMMIT. 

2. Bios that arrogantly command you to creatively message them first 


This special kind of douchbagery is usually only found on Bumble, where girls are required to message guys first. And the guys on this app REALLY love to play that up. Here are some of my personal favorites: 

"I won't respond if you just say 'hey'" 

"Best pickup line wins" 

"You can do better than 'hi'" 

Men, if you want a woman to be more charming when she introduces herself, then be more charming when you introduce yourself. End of story. 

3. Their height


First off, when did this become a thing? I know tall guys have always been more alluring, but using it as a selling point is hella lame.

When your bio is just your height, it makes it seem like that's all you have to offer. And it's difficult to start a conversation with you because all we know about you is that you can reach the top of our refrigerator. CONGRATS. 

4. Insane amounts of party pictures


Like, do you work? Are you in school? What the hell do you do with your time other than wear glow-in-the-dark wrist bands?? 

While I'm secretly praying that there is more to you than a red solo cup, I'll probably swipe left because I don't want to take the time to figure out if there is. That's the scary part about online dating people often forget. There's such an overwhelming amount of people to chose from and judge that you don't waste anytime giving someone the benefit of the doubt. 

5. Ex-girlfriend shaming 


Now you just look mean. Those "insert yourself here" photos and "let's make my ex jealous" bio lines are not cute. In fact, they actually make you look a little desperate and like you're not over the relationship.

If you're one of these guys, maybe it's time to cool it with the online dating and just heal for awhile.