11 Things That Can Turn A Mediocre Husband Into A Great One
Timeless advice from a therapist celebrating his 40th wedding anniversary.
bbernard| shutterstock Marriage isn't something you can figure out overnight. After all, you can't spend a lifetime with someone and know instantly how to make them happy. This is especially true because of how men and women often miscommunicate. They may care deeply about each other, but still speak different emotional languages.
Understanding these differences is key to building a love that can last, and men who’ve been married for decades know this better than anyone. Here are a few valuable insights men learn when they've been through struggles and come out the other side with the person they love.
Men who were taught these 11 lessons make great husbands
1. She’s not looking for you to fix everything
Most men are natural problem solvers while many women often want empathy before solutions. There isn't one better way to be, they're just different.
Seasoned husbands have learned to resist jumping in with fixes when their wives are upset. They listen. If she wants advice, she’ll ask for it.
Otherwise, just being present matters more than any plan of action. This isn't just my opinion. In fact, research published in a psychology journal in 2022 showed that simply paying attention is not enough, we must also make sure our partners feel heard. We can do that by asking questions about how they feel and engaging further with what they say rather than jumping in with solutions.
2. Appreciation goes further than grand gestures
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Early in relationships, it’s tempting to think that big gifts or elaborate dates are the gold standard. Men who’ve been married for decades know that consistent appreciation is more powerful than all of that.
A thank you for making dinner, a compliment on how she looks, or acknowledging how hard she works every day is the stuff that keeps a relationship strong. Commit to it, work hard at it, and show it daily.
3. Respect her need to talk, even if you don’t understand why
Long-term husbands know that what seems like small talk or venting is how many women connect. You might not care about the details of a work lunch or a disagreement between her friends, but being present for those conversations is part of being her partner.
And don't worry if what you're interested in feels vastly different than what she is into. Large-scale research shows that, despite there being only small differences between the genders when it comes to the "big five" personality traits, interests are a whole different story. Women tend to be into people-oriented topics and men tend to be more "thing-oriented". Neither are better or worse, they're just different.
So, remember that there are probably times you want to talk about things that aren't her favorite subjects. Then imagine how good it would feel for her to sit up, pay attention and engage when you want to talk about the things you're into.
4. Time apart is healthy
Men sometimes need time alone to clear their heads or sort through their thoughts. While this might not come as naturally to some women, long-married men often learn that women need space, too.
Supporting each other’s independence can make the relationship stronger. Time apart allows each partner to recharge and come back to the relationship with renewed energy.
5. Don’t expect her to think like you
Many men, and not just young men, expect their partners to react or process things like they would. Long-time husbands know women often need to talk through emotions to understand them, whereas men might prefer to retreat and think silently.
Understanding this difference can avoid a lot of unnecessary conflict.
6. Intimacy isn’t just about the physical
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Emotional intimacy is vital to physical closeness. Men who’ve been married a long time understand that showing love means more than initiating physical intimacy. Touching her back when you walk by, sharing a funny video, or just sitting together without phones can be just as powerful.
Intimacy is also about listening to one another, asking deeper questions and showing up when your partner needs you.
7. Reassure her with sound
When women talk, they often respond with verbal cues like “mmmhmm,” “ahhh,” or “hmmm” to show they’re listening and that they care.
Long-married men adopt this habit. It’s a simple but powerful way to reassure your partner that she is being heard and show you’re present, without having to say much.
8. Know that it's not about winning
In the heat of the moment, it’s easy to dig in and try to win.
Men with decades of marriage behind them have learned that winning the argument often means losing connection. They aim to understand rather than dominate. They’ve also learned the need to apologize, even when they don’t feel entirely wrong.
9. Keep dating her
No matter how long you’ve been together, men who’ve stayed happily married make it a point to keep courting their wives. It doesn’t have to be expensive or complicated. A walk after dinner or planning something fun shows her she’s still priority one.
10. Emotional safety matters more than being right
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Women need to feel emotionally safe to open up. That means no sarcasm during fights, no minimizing her feelings, and no holding grudges. The men who “get it” understand that making their wives feel safe emotionally is what builds real trust.
11. Support her happiness
No man can make another person happy, but decades-long marriages survive because the partners support each other in their individual growth. Older husbands have learned not to try to be her happiness, but to cheer her on as she finds it. Encouragement matters.
Final thoughts from a man celebrating his 40th wedding anniversary this year:
Younger men who want lasting relationships could save themselves a lot of heartache by listening to those who’ve gone the distance. Men who’ve lived it day by day can tell you it comes down to patience, curiosity, and a willingness to learn. And you don’t need to wait 40 years to start doing things right.
Richard Drobnick, LCSW, DCSW, is a therapist and the Director at Mars & Venus Counseling Center in Bergen County and Morris County, New Jersey.
