Conscious Uncoupling: Overcoming The Challenge Of Divorce

Love, Heartbreak

The Mother Rising's thoughts on Conscious Uncoupling, societal norms, legal logistics & more...

Near as soon as Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin announced the conscious dissolution of their marriage with the term “conscious uncoupling” opinions of all kinds were spreading like wild fire.  There are those of us who are really pleased to have the new term Conscious Uncoupling, such as those who created the term, Katherine Woodward Thomas and her friend Kit. Then there are those who are sickened by it and expressing it as a term that only “stuck up” eilitist celebrities use.  Furthermore, there are those spinning off on it discussing the aspects of unconscious coupling and what have you!

Regardless of where you stand, it is quite a conversation piece not only for those struggling with considering divorce and those right smack in the midst of it, but also for those of us working in the field of separation and divorce.  Several weeks ago on my radio show, The Mother Rising on VoiceAmerica’s Empowerment station, I was speaking with Robert Farzad, a Family Law Attorney in Newport Beach, CA.  He was explaining how detrimental it can be from the get go between spouses simply because we put the initials VS. between their two names in the court paperwork.  “We pit them against eachother, right from the start,” stated Mr. Farzad. Sadly, the actual court paperwork even for Gwyneth and Chris will still state VS between them; however, their grand scale effort to language their split in a way that is more in alignment with the natural world will no doubt allow for more joy and love to flourish or at least more potential for it to flourish sooner than later.

How Conscious Uncoupling is Like Nature
When I say that conscious uncoupling more accurately reflects the natural world,  we must take a quick look into nature.  When we see a plant that is anchored in the ground, such as a sunflower, grow tall and create a beautiful flower, give off its seeds and then die, we don’t see the flower poison the earth, nor do we see the flower fly off and remove itself from the earth of which it was apart.  Instead we see the flowers and roots die back, the stem slowly falling over with the head of the flower and then the entire plant folding itself back into the soil to grow something anew. Conscious uncoupling seems to me to be a more accurate reflection of how the dismantling of a relationship could be handled. 

Our Unnatural World and Divorce
So why doesn’t it happen this way? Well we are quite invested in societal constructs that hold us down into behavior patterns that we feel bound to and obligated in participating.  We have locked into our being blame and fault…a result of a society unwilling to step up and accept our own personal responsibility in creating our relationship. We promote victimhood and when we participate in these societal behaviors, our trust both for ourself and for another goes flying out the door making the traditional divorce all to appealing.

Great Change
However, there is so much change happening within the field of divorce of which conscious uncoupling being one of the most recent seeds to enter mainstream consciousness is apart.  Several other examples that come to mind are, the recent screening of Divorce Corp  which has exposed the “industry” of divorce and created a rising movement to take action for changes in Family Court. To learn more about Divorce Corp. be sure to listen on April 17th when I interview Writer and Director of Divorce Corp, Joseph Sorge. Additionally, there is an increased awareness on the effects of the hostility between parents on the children as witnessed in Ellen Bruno’s film Split, a documentary done entirely from the perspective of children. My interview with Ms. Bruno is archived for March 13. There is also a willingness of parents to begin working together on behalf of the children by “co-parenting”  and nesting which are both techniques that truly  put the children’s needs first.

I am personally thrilled to see so many exciting changes that could really help people move through a time that is filled with intense emotionality in ways that are more supportive of moving on and also allowing for a more nurturing environment for the children: however, I am also a realist.  These scenarios, of consciously uncoupling that are being put out there are with couples that are doing this together.  Consciously uncoupling as a team, if you will.

Consciously Uncoupling as an Individual
But can you consciously uncouple if your spouse or partner is not doing it consciously with you?  Then again, who am I or you to judge if they are consciously doing it or not.  Alas, a more detailed account of the mental, emotional, physical and spiritual nature of going about this will have to be tabled for a series article.  Let’s simply state, that YES, it can be done though it will be challenging, you will constantly question yourself, possibly feel crazy and not a lot of people will understand your path.  I can guarantee that you will be stronger, more courageous and centered in your authentic power by the time you have finished. 

Tell me More About the Logisitics of Consciously Uncoupling
Ok, so  you and your married partner agree to go down the path of consciously uncoupling.  How to do you logistically go about this? Won’t a divorce have to be part of the process? Or in other words, how can you create an environment within in a legal framework where you can “consciously uncouple” to allow for nurturing “co-parenting” and dissolve the marriage at the same time? Ah…bring in Michelle Crosby of Wevorce.  Incredibly timely, Michelle will be joining me THIS week, April 3, on The Mother Rising to discuss these questions and much more.  I am thrilled to offer you an opportunity to call in and ask her any burning questions you may have about this.

Like you, I want to learn more.  What I do know is that Wevorce is a part of a growing network of Collaborative Divorce practices around the country.  I have a basic understanding that it consists of a network of professionals under one roof that includes attorneys, psychotherapists,  and coaches.  I know that some collaborative professionals require that you sign paperwork that they will only represent you should you agree to settle your divorce within the walls of the collaborative practice without setting foot in a courtroom.  That should you decide to take an alternative approach and take your case into the courtroom you would be required to find another attorney. 

This resonates With Me and I Want to Know More
Are you contemplating divorce and nervous about the animosity and hostility it would create between you and your partner and for your shared children? Are you in the midst of divorce, but looking for ways to calm the situation down?  Join me on Thursday, April 3, 2014 from 4-5 pm PDT on The Mother Rising’s Radio show on VoiceAmerica’s Empowerment Station when I talk with Michelle Crosby of Wevorce (show to be archived at this same link and available as podcast through iTunes).

Sign Up for the YourTango Newsletter

Let's make this a regular thing!
  1. Join our conversation on Thursday by calling in at 1-888-346-9141
  2. Tweet your question @TheMotherRising
  3. Want to know more about Consciously Uncoupling as an Individual, register here to stay abreast of all things Rising.

You Are Not Alone
You are held in this process that can drag you under water for great lengths feeling like you are gasping for air.  Contact The Mother Rising to learn more about Margaret’s Divorce Wellness Coaching and her 12 Weeks of expertly guided divorce support online community, Clear Choice Divorce. Margaret will hold both your hand and your heart allowing you to begin to walk with growing self-esteem and confidence.  She will ignite that small flame inside you and will help you to tend your inner flame so that it can grow into a hearth fire that will sustain you in the living of your authentic life that you know you are meant to live. One full of Joy and love and freedom!