If You Can't Make An Open Marriage Work, YOU Are The Problem

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open marriage

It doesn't get any easier than this, people.

Comedian Margaret Cho is getting divorced. You’re probably asking yourself, “Why is this something that’s being told to me?” Unless you’re one of those fabled Margaret Cho fans, why would this be news? It’s not because we all had a lot invested in Cho’s marriage.

It’s news because she was in an open marriage ... and it still didn’t work out.

Newsflash, Margaret Cho: You're an open marriage, so you literally don’t have to do the hardest part of being married. To be in an open marriage, you only have to be kind of committed to this other person. You only have to be committed for birthdays and major holidays; everything else is up to you.

Even if things aren’t going great, there’s no reason to get divorced. Being in an unhappy open marriage is just a situation where there’s someone you don’t have to remain faithful to and you get their stuff when they die. Why get rid of that?

A lot of people consider open marriages to be less valid than traditional marriages. I’m not trying to say that — but open marriages are definitely easier than non-open marriages. You get all the benefits of being married, but still also get to f*ck other people.

People in open marriages never have to worry about getting something like the 7-year itch. Whenever they get any sort of "itch," they can get their spouse to scratch it ... OR anyone else they can find who wants to scratch it.

Not being able to make an open marriage work is like not being able to find something to eat in a mall food court. Every option is right in front of you. If you’re not getting along with pizza one day, then just go get a sandwich. You and pizza agreed that that was OK. Something really horrible would have to happen for you to have all of those options and still want to burn down the pizza place.

There’s nothing wrong with open marriages, but they’re the "easy" level of marriage. An open marriage is like the first level of Super Mario Brothers on the original Nintendo. If you can’t beat the first level, then there’s something wrong with you. No matter how hard the game gets, you can always reset and play the first level again.

The point is: Open marriages are the easiest marriages to make work. Yeah, you have to spend the rest of your life with that person, but also get to spend it with a bunch of other people. Even if it’s not a great a relationship, you can always look at your spouse as a permanent back-up plan.

Maybe open marriages just aren't a good idea. Not to judge anybody, of course; do whatever makes you happy. There's a difference between being in an open relationship and an open marriage. Relationships don't have to be permanent. They're supposed to be fluid. A relationship goes through different stages, and not all of them are going to move two people closer together. 

Marriage, by definition, is all about commitment. If you can't fully commit to somebody, then maybe you shouldn't get married.

In today's world, there's no pressure to get married. If you don't want to settle down, then don't. While open relationships aren't for everybody, there are people that can make them work. It seems harder and harder to find examples of open marriages that work. Of course, many 'traditional' marriages don't work out anymore, so maybe marriage doesn't work anymore, period. Or maybe Margaret Cho just isn't very fun to be around. Who knows?