Bah Humbug? Why Gift-Giving Is Crucial To Your Relationship

love, gift-giving
Love, Family

Experts say a meaningful gift is an extension of a healthy relationship. (No pressure, though!)

Even the most cynical among us can agree that the holiday season has an element of magic to it: It's a respite from our daily routines, a time to bask in our love for one another, forge traditions and make longlasting memories. But before a single egg is nogged or Christmas goose stuffed, before the menorah is dug out of storage or the strings of lights untangled, there's that little matter of buying gifts. And that is when, for many of us, the magic disappears.

Yes, gift-buying and gift-giving can be fraught with anxiety—so much so that it's not uncommon to hear of people who eschew it altogether, even in the face of tremendous societal pressure and the tit-for-tat mentality that's so pervasive around Christmas and Hanukkah.

But here's a very good reason not to throw up your hands and admit defeat this holiday season: Experts say that gift-giving is an important part of human interaction, one that helps define relationships and strengthen bonds with significant others, loved ones and friends.

In other words, if you withdraw completely from the gift-giving fray, you hurt your chances of improving your connections with the most important people in your life. In fact, your Scrooge mentality may even signal to your partner that you don't care enough to think about him and the things he enjoys.

Think Before You Gift

This brings me to my next point: What should you buy for someone you love—and how in the world do know if it's right thing? Perhaps you've been swept up in the holiday shopping melee and had that moment where you thought, Can't I just buy something, anything, and wrap it? Do I have to really think so hard about it? Well, yes, you do...or rather, you should.

Why does the art of gift-giving matter so much? Psychologists say that purchasing a gift without really considering its intended recipient (beyond basic things like gender and age) may come off as manipulative (for instance, the woman who buys her couch-potato boyfriend a gym membership because she's secretly disappointed that he's let himself go) or even downright destructive (the man who purchases a 10-pound box of chocolates for his dieting wife so he can feel superior to her when she fails to lose weight).

When confronted with the inappropriateness of their gifts, people who shop on autopilot always seem shocked that their choices come off as offensive. They swear they meant no harm, which may be true, but doing something harmlessly is different than proactively choosing to do something meaningful.

What Your Gifts Say About You

So, how to keep from being thought of as an insensitive, uncaring lout of a gift-giver? Admitting you have a problem is the first step, of course. But also, recognize that the gifts you give show your loved ones not only how you feel about them (good and bad), but also how you feel about yourself.

According to Dr. Susan Locke, a psychology professor at Baruch College in New York City, "Gifts that convey a lack of emotional investment and sensitivity to the needs of the receiver often reflect a lack of self-worth in the giver." In other words, if you grab the first obvious, generic gift (or gift card) you see, you're really signaling that you don't think you're smart enough to figure out what your significant other deserves or would like to get from you.

The Bottom Line On Gift-Giving (And Surprises)

So what is the perfect gift, and how do you go about snagging it? You may be surprised to learn that a great gift should be just that—something that satisfies a need or desire in the recipient, but is something they would not buy for themselves.

Surprise gifts can be really magical and meaningful, but only—and this is important—if you're absolutely sure the recipient will love what you're giving.

Case in point: For my 35th birthday, my husband hired a person dressed as a giant (spring) chicken to deliver a singing telegram to my office. I had just started working at the company and didn't know many people there, so needless to say, I was mortified! I remind him of the miserable failure of this surprise "gift" regularly, and blessedly, he has never repeated the mistake.

The moral of that story is if you're not quite sure how the recipient will react to a surprise gift, rethink it, because even if your present is not a bolt-out-of-the-blue surprise, it can still be what Dr. Locke calls a 'healthy' gift. "A healthy gift," she says, "is one that shows you understand the other person and you know what would bring him or her pleasure. It's an extension of a healthy relationship."  Keep reading...

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