Community: Stop Being Nice, Get A Man

woman grabbing man's tie

Maybe what they say is true, if you love someone set them free. If they come back, they're yours. If they don't, they were never gonna be. I believe the deep friendship Mr. Hot-and-Cold and I had is why we were capable of bouncing back, but it's not why we did. I started to be myself again. To put it plainly, I became unpredictable... and that changed everything.

Letting him go was the best move I ever made. Better than trying to look cute or cater to his ego. While I agreed we could stay friends after he passed on having a relationship, I didn't think it would actually happen. I figured we would—at the most—be casual acquaintances. So I went back to my life, backed away so I could heal. That's the first thing that got his attention. In less than a week he was messaging me and trying to get our friendship back to where it was. Suggesting things to do together. I ignored him. Only agreed to show up to things we had already set up with mutual friends prior to the let down. Taking A Step Back Brought Us Closer Together

When we did get some one-on-one time, suddenly he was the one trying to please me. Bringing up topics he knew I would like (catering to my ego) and being more attentive than before. My first thought: maybe he changed his mind. Made a mistake. Wrong. He didn't. Or he would have said so. But there was something up. One friend said I was being delusional and should go back and read, "He's Just Not That Into You." She's big on tough love. So I was skimming it in Barnes&Noble when I happened to come across "Why Men Love Bitches." What hooked me was the first line on the back cover, "Do you feel like you are too nice?" It was like a light bulb went off because I couldn't stop wondering why did I get rejected after all I did to make this guy happy. Now I know.

I think every girl should read this book for herself so I won't give too much away, but the biggest lesson I learned was that while I was so busy pleasing him, I went from the girl who attracted him to his mother. Dependable. Eager to please. I lost my voice. My opinions. Myself. I stopped challenging him. What's worse is I became predictable. That's like watching a movie and knowing exactly how it's gonna turn out based on the trailer. What's the point? How To Make Guys Want You

Since I knew distance was already having an impact, I decided to see if being myself again, as the book suggested, would go anywhere. To say it worked like a charm is putting it mildly. Not having a complete hold on me has turned him into me. Frustrated and eager to please. Like just last night I thanked someone for their assistance and not him and he wigged out. Where's my kudos? I was trying not to laugh. Now you are desperate for my attention when you could have had it free and clear if you had just said yes.

And maybe that's the point. Guys are hunters. They don't want the dear dropped on their doorstep. They want to hide in the weeds and line up the perfect shot so they can proudly display their prize on the wall so saying we should be together because it makes sense was not the way to go. Sure, maybe it was the truth, but it wasn't his idea. He may have been thinking it, but I said it. Of course, his hot and cold behavior put me in that position, but it doesn't change the fact that men want to win you over. I have learned that it's not so much you play hard to forget, you just don't forget who you are. It's why a guy starts chasing us in the first place. That air of confidence that we are perfectly content on our own. Not in, I can by my own house and car, but instead you do not dictate my happiness. I do. 4 Guys To Rid From Your Dating Diet

When I told my brother about my guy being hot and cold, he told me what you do is treat him like crap one minute and then are sweet the next. Like, I really love that shirt, but those jeans do nothing for you. Do you get it? I didn't. What he meant was if you are not a pushover, he'll respect you and not take you for granted. You also have to know when to say no. Be available on your terms. Don't cancel your plans to make him happy. If he schedules you last minute, thank him for the invite but decline and tell him to give you more of a heads up next time. You're setting the standard for him to respect that your time is valuable. This is even true in a relationship. Being less available from time to time keeps things from getting predictable and might just raise the stakes. Hot-and-Cold is now Hooked and chomping at the bit. Now I can sit back and see what happens next, but without expectation because I don't need him to be happy anymore. 9 Traits Of Irresistible Women

See—this is not about winning him over. This is about finally realizing that I am the prize. Worthy of the best love has to offer. That's the best part of all of this. I finally get that. Which is another reason I am not putting all my hopes and dreams in one basket. I am giving Hooked a second chance because I want to, but until he steps up, I am free to move on if someone else beats him to the punch. I won't pass at a chance at love.