If A Marriage Is Actually Falling Apart, These 11 Situations Always Appear First
There are always signs of a deteriorating marriage that you can look for.
StockPhotoDirectors | Shutterstock Most people dream of finding their happily ever after, and they think marriage fits in perfectly with that plan. You fall in love, you get married, and you live a beautiful life together. The problem is, that isn’t always the case. Even when marriages start out from a place of real, deep love, they don’t always stay that way. Some relationships aren’t meant to last forever, and though it may not be obvious at first, if a marriage is actually falling apart, certain situations always appear first.
As licensed counselor Suzanne Degges-White explained, “Divorce is the final solution to an unworkable marriage; however, partners should be sure this is the step that they want to take prior to filing for a divorce. Without both partners willing to help make the marriage work, it is likely time to seek legal counsel.” If things just aren’t working, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it is a reality you have to be willing to face. And there are some signs you can watch out for that will alert you to this.
If a marriage is actually falling apart, these 11 situations always appear first
1. Ineffective communication
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Let’s be clear: a lack of effective communication does not automatically mean a marriage is about to end. A lot of couples struggle with communication, either chronically or from time to time. However, there is no time when good communication is needed more than when a marriage is on the rocks. If things are falling apart, it’s time to do the hard work and really talk through your problems.
In a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, researchers noted that data regarding the link between positive communication and relationship satisfaction had been “mixed.” However, they noted that in their own study, “more satisfied spouses showed more positive, less negative, and more effective communication.”
If a marriage is struggling and on the verge of falling apart, there’s a good chance that the spouses will experience a breakdown in communication. This could look like constant fighting and bickering, or it could just be an eerie silence that has settled over the relationship, where communication seems to be totally absent. This will always happen when a marriage is falling apart.
2. Decrease in trust
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Whether it's avoidant behaviors or jealousy showing up, if a marriage is actually falling apart, these situations always appear first. A decrease in trust doesn’t even necessarily mean that one or both spouses did something to warrant the loss of that trust. It could simply mean that their relationship is so fractured that they are struggling to see the best in each other and put their trust in each other.
Licensed mental health counselor Genesis Games shared, “Trust allows partners to experience emotional and commitment safety. It opens the door for a deeper connection and gives them the motivation to endure the hard times they will face.” Apparently, it can even affect physical health.
Trust is the foundation a healthy relationship is built on. Without it, there’s nothing strong and steady there for the relationship to stand on. If spouses start questioning each other's intentions, it’s a sign that things are not going well. No marriage can make it without trust, so a deterioration of it means that things are really dire.
3. Imagining life without them
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Maybe they’re thinking about how much easier life was when they were single, or maybe they’re planning for the future without their spouse in the picture. Whatever it may look like for each specific person, imagining a life without your spouse is a sure sign that you’re convinced life really would be better without them in it.
A lot of people think being single is a curse and they’d rather be in a relationship no matter what. But, as licensed therapist John Kim explained, this isn’t the case.
“Most people see being alone as something to fix, a sign that they’re missing out or that something is wrong with them,” he said. “But being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely, and it certainly doesn’t mean you’re incomplete. Solitude is an opportunity — a blank slate where you get to write the next chapter of your life without distractions.”
If someone is truly thinking about life without their spouse and thinking things would be better that way, it may be a sign that their subconscious is trying to send them a message. Being single is not the end of the world. It’s certainly better than being in a toxic, unhappy relationship.
People whose marriage is falling apart will find themselves imagining life on their own, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.
4. Walking on eggshells
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You know that feeling when the tension is so thick that you can literally feel it in the air, and it’s like you could cut it with a knife? That’s what leads someone to feel like they’re walking on eggshells.
In a healthy marriage, spouses can just be themselves without worrying about judgment or how they are perceived. But when a marriage is falling apart, it will feel like they’re tiptoeing all over the place, trying not to make things worse than they already are.
“In this dynamic, one partner’s mood often swings from happy to mildly annoyed or even angry at the slightest shift in the other’s tone,” said health and wellness writer Elizabeth Plumptre. “The result? One partner is always on shaky ground. To cope with this instability, they bend over backward to avoid an imminent complaint or change in mood.”
When every little thing leads to an argument and someone doesn’t feel like they can be their authentic selves in a marriage, it means they’re walking on eggshells. And if they find themselves in this place, it probably also means the marriage is in trouble, if not falling apart altogether.
No one should feel like they have to be on constant alert when they’re with the person who is supposed to love them most in the world.
5. Resentment
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Resentment is tricky because it tends to sneak up on you. What doesn’t seem like a big deal at the moment can stick with someone and grate on them until it has become a full-blown issue that needs to be addressed.
Unfortunately, people who are feeling resentful often don’t address the issue that got them to that point. Whether it’s a million little things that added up over time or one big problem that continued to fester, if a marriage is actually falling apart, resentment always appear first.
Psychologist Susan Albers explained that resentment can be a complicated emotion. “This complexity arises due to the intricate and complex nature of human behavior and relationships,” she said. “While resentment can be directed toward others, it may also be intertwined with feelings of self-directed anger, creating a nuanced emotional landscape that necessitates thoughtful self-reflection.”
It’s easy to think you have nothing to feel resentful about, but even the smallest disagreement can fester and turn into something bigger in your head when your marriage is already in trouble. Resentment can be found in the smallest, simplest things, and someone who is upset because they feel like their marriage is over will naturally look for those things. Without properly addressing resentment, it can mean the end of a relationship.
6. Separating finances
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It should be noted that some spouses choose to keep their finances separate from the beginning of their relationship. Experts warn against this, though.
Finance expert Rachel Cruze said, “Marriage is a partnership. It’s no longer ‘his and her money.’ The officiant said, ‘Two become one.’ Separating money and splitting the bills is a bad idea that only leads to more money and relationship problems down the road.”
If you chose to go this route and combined your finances when you got married, a sign that things aren’t going so well is that those finances slowly begin to separate. Maybe no one made a conscious effort to make this happen, but spouses are starting to take more and more ownership over the money they earn themselves instead of seeing it as a “what’s mine is yours” kind of thing.
This doesn’t mean that you’re going to wake up one day and split your earnings into two separate bank accounts. Really, it’s more the concept of something being “yours” and not “ours.” Starting to see a clear delineation is a sign that spouses see their lives as two separate entities. Splitting up finances is just one example of this.
7. Not making important decisions together
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Being married means being part of a two-person team. Teammates work through problems and make decisions together. If a couple isn’t talking about something related to the kids, money, their future plans, their house, or a multitude of other things, it’s a sign that their marriage is on the rocks.
For example, if your kids are getting ready to graduate from elementary school and you’re trying to choose the middle school they should attend, that should be a joint decision. If it’s not, it’s a bad sign.
Psychologist Mark Travers recommended that couples use the “two-yes, one-no” rule in these situations. “The two-yes, one-no rule states that for any significant decision affecting both partners, there must be a mutual agreement for it to proceed,” he explained. “However, if one partner says no, the decision is paused, signifying that further reflection and dialogue are necessary before any action is taken.”
This is solid advice that helps couples make the big choices together. When any sort of compromise is completely abandoned and spouses no longer try to make decisions as a team, it signifies that they just aren’t working together anymore. They probably don’t even see the importance of doing so. Their marriage just isn’t working.
8. Turning to others for support
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In an ideal world, your spouse is the person you can turn to for absolutely anything. They’re your best friend and they love you unconditionally. So, if you need support, you naturally turn to them first. Of course, this doesn’t always happen, and that doesn’t necessarily mean that your marriage is falling apart.
Maybe someone else in your life was more readily available or had a better understanding of the situation. Still, your spouse should be your number one that you can always count on. If you’re finding that’s not true, your marriage may be in trouble.
Certified Gottman therapist Zach Brittle shared some research findings from Dr. John Gottman himself. Dr. Gottman checked in with couples when they first got married and again six years later. The couples that stayed married were more likely to “turn towards instead of away,” which Dr. Gottman calls the third level of the “Sound Relationship House.” Couples that remained married turned towards each other for help 86% of the time, while couples that divorced only turned towards each other 33% of the time.
When someone gets married, they don’t have to — and shouldn’t — depend on their spouse for absolutely everything, including all emotional support. However, there are real benefits to spouses depending on each other for support.
When someone starts looking for that support in the other people in their life, it’s a sign that things just aren’t working the way they should and their marriage is on the verge of falling apart.
9. Living separate lives
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If a marriage is actually falling apart, living separate lives tends to be one of the biggest indicators that things aren't working anymore. They’re married, and they live together, but they’re basically just roommates.
They’ve lost any sense of closeness and don’t live one joint life where they spend much of their time together. Instead, they each just do their own thing and kind of just let the chips fall where they may in their relationship. They’re not in tune anymore.
Some couples may appear to be living separate lives when they’re actually not. According to wellness author Ariane Resnick, the trend of “living apart together,” or LAT, is on the rise.
Relationship therapist Becca Reed added, “Choosing to live apart together is a deliberate decision where both partners are committed to each other but prefer to maintain separate living spaces. This choice is often made to preserve personal autonomy while nurturing a close, intimate relationship.”
The "LAT" trend is proof that you can never judge a book by its cover. A relationship may seem like it’s over, or headed for the end, when the couple is really just choosing a different way of living their lives together.
Of course, if a couple is truly living separate lives and their marriage seems to be nothing more than a legal formality, it’s a sign that they’re probably struggling. They aren’t just choosing to "LAT." Instead, they’re growing farther and farther apart.
10. Lacking emotional vulnerability
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A married couple that just can’t make things work anymore is likely going to experience a lack of emotional vulnerability. Being vulnerable isn’t really anyone’s favorite thing as it can be quite uncomfortable, and even awkward.
But for a marriage to work, the couple has to be vulnerable with each other and share their true thoughts and feelings. They can’t survive by just existing on the surface level.
Marriage and family therapist Shari Foos stated, “Vulnerability is when a person willingly takes the risk to reveal their emotions and weaknesses. This emotional openness is essential in all healthy relationships, as it paves the way for deeper understanding and evokes the empathy necessary for healthy long-term relationships.”
If a couple can’t be vulnerable with each other, it’s a big problem. Even if someone doesn’t like to share who they really are with the world, you kind of have to when you’re in a relationship to make that relationship successful.
Marriage requires emotional vulnerability. When spouses shut down and avoid being real with each other, their marriage is probably falling apart.
11. No longer caring
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We’re conditioned to think that arguing is bad, but it isn’t always. If spouses are constantly fighting with each other, that’s not a good sign, but arguing about the things that matter shows that you care enough to do so. When couples want to make their marriage better and fix the things that are broken, it means they care about each other and their relationship. It’s a priority to them.
It might sound hard to believe, but putting in the work in your relationship can actually make other areas of life operate more smoothly. Psychology professor Gary W. Lewandowski Jr. explained that couples who were more satisfied with their marriages also had more success at work.
If you’re happy with your relationship, you’re also less likely to become burnt out at work. Putting in the work in a marriage has serious benefits.
If spouses just stop caring, they’re obviously not putting this work in. The deterioration of their marriage will negatively affect other areas of their lives as well, like what they do professionally.
Perhaps, more importantly, no marriage is going to work without actually working hard for it. Putting in effort matters, and spouses that just give up really leave no hope for their marriage.
Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
