11 Unfortunate Signs You're Settling For The Wrong Person
Ask yourself if your partner is truly adding value to your life.
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock Healthy relationships often embrace a few main tenants that help to craft a stable foundation: intimacy, trust, understanding, and empathy. When one or both partners take shortcuts to avoid prioritizing these values or actively sabotage them with unhealthy behaviors, resentment grows that has the power to chip away at the healthy, security, and bond in an intimate partnership, according to experts from the Cleveland Clinic.
Many of the unfortunate signs you're settling for the wrong person revolve around these subtle behaviors and the deep-rooted resentment that follows. If you're constantly questioning a relationship or dealing with any of these experiences, it doesn't mean you have to part ways with a partner you love, but it does mean you have to get honest about what you're willing to tolerate. If there's no room to grow with a partner or transform an unhealthy relationship, is that truly adding value to your life?
Here are 11 unfortunate signs you're settling for the wrong person
1. You can't envision a future together
Ground Picture | Shutterstock
One of the most common red flags for a relationship is the inability to envision a future together. Of course, you're not going to have a concrete idea of what that future looks like, especially if you're living in the present moment or are in the early stages of a relationship, but not being able to picture any kind of future may be a sign that you're settling for the wrong person.
Whether you're dreading the future or envisioning yourself with a different kind of partner, experiencing anxiety about the future of a relationship can add pressure to the present moment, encouraging people to snap at each other, avoid conflict, and even look for support and praise outside of a connection.
It's important to get honest about your own needs — is this a relationship that you want to endure life changes, grief, and loss with? Or is it better to let it go now?
2. You feel lonely around them
Ground Picture | Shutterstock
According to relationship expert and psychotherapist Esther Perel, there are a number of reasons you might feel lonely with a partner. From a loss of physical intimacy, to a routine of comparing your relationship to others online, and even having poor conversations and community, they're more common than you may believe.
Not feeling heard or appreciated by a partner sparks loneliness, alongside long-term resentment, frustration, and even depressive symptoms. We're yearning for the kind of connection that we're not receiving from a partner, even after expressing our needs and trying our best to show up and support them.
Feeling lonely in a relationship or alone around a partner is one of the unfortunate signs you're settling for the wrong person. They should be prioritizing supporting you and showing up, even when things are tough.
3. You make excuses for their misbehavior
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock
One of the most common yet unfortunate signs you're settling for the wrong person is constantly making excuses for their bad behavior. Taking accountability, setting boundaries, and having open conversations about your needs are all common in a healthy partnership, but if you're being gaslit into tolerating and justifying misbehavior, chances are you're not finding that balance.
Like clinical psychologist Leon F. Seltzer argues, there's a fine line between explaining and justifying behaviors in a relationship. Explaining is helping to clarify misunderstandings, ensuring you're on the same page with a partner in a conversation. However, justifications don't spark clarity; they're intended to encourage the others to dismiss their hurt and view misbehavior as morally just or "okay."
If you feel constantly dismissed and invalidated for bringing up concerns or expressing your needs, with little to no growth toward better communication, chances are you're settling for the wrong person.
4. You feel like roommates, not partners
Dikushin Dmitry | Shutterstock
While it can be natural for relationships to go through "roommate phases," especially early on in a marriage or in the first months of living together, maintaining a long-term dynamic where you're simply co-existing close to each other is not the best way to build a healthy balance of support, love, and intimacy.
This consistent roommate vibe is one of the unfortunate signs you're settling for the wrong person, especially if they're not willing to change their behaviors, have a conversation about your needs, or embrace discomfort to grow together as a couple.
5. You feel pressured to give up personal interests
Dean Drobot | Shutterstock
From personal friendships, to hobbies, and even a career, if you feel pressured and conflicted about "needing" to give up facets of your identity for the comfort or security of a partner, chances are you're settling for the wrong person.
"Self-reflection helps you reconnect with the person you are (or were) when you show up in relationships," licensed counselor and professor Suzanne Degges-White, PhD suggests.
"Have you ever asked yourself the question, 'Am I someone that I'd want to be with?' If not, maybe you should. Recognizing the aspects of yourself that get in the way of your relationships with others — and yourself — is the first step to removing them... Making time for healthy solitude gives you space for [this] honest self-assessment."
The right relationship won't just cultivate space for each partner to have alone time and do the things they enjoy, it will empower people to prioritize it, allowing both partners to come back to each other feeling more fulfilled and refreshed.
6. It feels too comfortable
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock
Of course, being in a healthy relationship should feel like a "safe space" where you're not only comfortable with intimacy and seeking support, but handling conflict, expressing your needs, and setting boundaries. However, if a relationship feels too comfortable and you're never challenged to grow, either personally or together as a couple, that could be a sign you're settling for the wrong person.
Everyone has different desires and priorities in a relationship, but regardless of what those are, you should be with someone that empowers and encourages you to be the best version of yourself. If you're leaning into bad habits together, avoiding conflict, and even lingering in a space where you don't feel incredibly fulfilled, that can be a red flag you're in the wrong place or the wrong relationship.
7. Your friends and family have concerns
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock
If you're not close with your friends and family or they have a misguided understanding of your needs, desires, and priorities, obviously they shouldn't be the deciding factor in your intimate relationships. But if your trusted inner circle is expressing discomfort or concern with your partner, it could be one of the unfortunate signs you're settling for the wrong person.
According to experts from Couples Therapy Melbourne, getting everyone in the same room for the purpose of honest and open communication can help to resolve any tension in relationships, but only if both sides are willing to make amends.
If you have these conversations and still feel unsettled and uncomfortable about the red flags your close friends and family are bringing up — the people who should know you best, behind yourself — it might be time to get realistic about what you need and want from a partner.
8. The relationship feels one-sided
Prostock-studio | Shutterstock
If you're taking on too much emotional labor in a relationship — like resolving all the conflicts, sparking the discussions, and even expressing and setting boundaries — chances are you've become resentful of your partner. Even if they're not aware of it, taking on too much responsibility or weight in a relationship can become too much for one person to handle, especially if the other isn't empathetic or knowledgeable about the work you're doing.
If the relationship feels one-sided and your partner isn't willing to make any changes or help to relieve you of certain obligations, you have to get honest with yourself: Is this a dynamic that will be productive and healthy for you long-term?
9. Your values don't align
vk_st | Shutterstock
According to psychotherapist Tonya Lester, value misalignment can sabotage the foundation of a healthy relationship, especially if you don't have the communication or conflict-resolution skills to have conversations about differing values and needs. Without compromise, misaligned values spark resentment that can spark disconnection internally and with a partner.
"Ending a meaningful relationship is painful, but not as painful as giving up an essential part of yourself to hang on to a relationship that puts you in a box," Lester said, "unable to live according to the values you care about most."
10. You avoid conflict
PeopleImages.com - Yuri A | Shutterstock
While it might seem counterintuitive to a healthy partnership, the best spouses often do have regular conflicts and arguments, but it's the way they manage and resolve them that contributes to their bond. People who avoid conflicts in their relationships, make excuses for misbehavior, or blame-shift to avoid taking accountability don't foster the kind of trust that's necessary for a healthy partnership.
If you find yourself avoiding vulnerability or have a partner who refuses to healthily argue, you might be settling for the wrong person. Not only will you forgo opportunities to grow together, your needs will go consistently unmet in a way that breeds resentment.
11. Everything feels stagnant
Dusan Petkovic | Shutterstock
Partners who don't grow together tend to live in a stagnant space, where unmet needs linger and resentment grows. If you're never getting out of your comfort zone and always wishing your partner would change without having the healthy conversations to speak about concerns, that could be one of the unfortunate signs you're settling for the wrong person.
Psychologist Mark Travers argues that successful relationships are constantly evolving, with the shared understanding that you'll continue to choose each other through turmoil, rough patches, and every life change.
"Successful relationships don't last because two people stay the same," he revealed. "They last because two people continuously choose each other, through every phase... If you don't actively meet and embrace each other's growth, your relationship risks becoming outdated — stuck in an old chapter while life continues to rewrite the story."
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a staff writer with a bachelor's degree in social relations & policy and gender studies who focuses on psychology, relationships, self-help, and human interest stories.
