9 Simple Habits Couples Who Fight Fair Practice Every Single Day
Happy couples don't avoid conflict; they just handle it better.
ShotPrime Studio | Unsplash After 33 years of marriage, I'm here to tell you my husband and I have had our share of fights. And trust me, there's been some real doozies — especially in the early part of our marriage. In fact, you'd think we were in preschool based on how we handled our arguments.
The good news is that all those fights actually taught us how to argue and fight fairly like adults who love each other. These days, I'm proud to say we no longer fight. Of course, we disagree from time to time, and might not even talk to each other for a few hours when we are both feeling particularly stubborn, but the serious days of fighting unfairly are over.
Here are 9 simple habits couples who fight fair practice every single day:
1. They don't fight in public
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This needs to be a hard and fast rule. Not only are you putting each other in an embarrassing situation, but it's very uncomfortable for the people around you who witness you fighting. Whether it's around strangers or friends, no one wants to see a couple fighting viciously in public.
You'll never be able to solve the issue in that environment anyway, and the awkwardness of it will only escalate the problem. If you can't leave right away, couch the conversation until you get home. One advantage to this is that it gives you a chance to cool down a bit by the time you readdress the problem.
2. They don't fight in front of their kids
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If you have children, they don't need to be witnesses to the heat of the moment between you and your spouse, but sometimes it happens. When my son was three years old, he came running over to my husband and me while we were fighting.
He made us hold hands and said, "Mommy, daddy, no more yelling. Only kissing." If there's one guaranteed way to stop a fight dead in its tracks, it's that.
We picked him up, hugged as a family, and explained that sometimes mommy and daddy get upset but still love each other. That moment broke the tension enough to allow us to finish what we started calmly, while my son went back to playing in his room.
Once we were finished, we went to my son, holding hands, and told him everything was fine. We told him to remember that sometimes people fight, but when they love each other a lot, they always find a way to make things good again.
3. They don't fight to hurt the other person
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When you're angry, your ego tends to take over, and the ego is all about war; wars don't exist without trying to hurt another person. When you go for their sensitive trigger points, their vulnerable place, you've hit below the belt, and that's very unfair and immature.
It's critical to remember, above all else, even in the heat of the moment, this is supposed to be the person you cherish the most in your life and who has put his emotional trust in your hands. Words do hurt, and they are not easily forgotten. One study also suggested that when arguments involve intentional harm, a partner no longer feels safe or valued in the relationship.
4. They don't pounce
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Sometimes when you're angry about something your husband did or didn't do, you can't wait to get in his face about it. And sometimes he's not even aware that he's about to be on the receiving end of your anger. So if he walks in the door and is suddenly barraged by your anger, things will get out of hand much more quickly.
If he's been gone all day, greet him as best as you can and give him time to transition to being home. He'll know you're upset just by your energy. Once he's had 15 minutes or so, let him know you need to discuss something that's been bothering you.
5. They don't bring up things from the past
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In those heated moments, it's easy to want to bring in other artillery from past fights that weren't completely solved just to arm yourself with more ammo. That's a big no-no. All that does is take your attention away from the matter at hand and will extend, unnecessarily, an argument that might have been able to be solved rather quickly, research argues.
Even if the present fight is related to a past situation, still do everything in your power to stick to the issue at hand without nagging: "Here we go again!" "I've told you a thousand times!"
A repeated argument indicates that one or both of you isn't communicating the truth of your anger in a way that is clear and specific, so there's an understanding taking place on a deeper level. And it's not unusual for there to be an underlying issue that's not being addressed, so you end up focusing on what feels more comfortable and safe.
6. They address the root, not the surface, of the fight
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When my husband was going through a very difficult, unexpected life change, he was edgy, sensitive, and impatient. There were times when my compassion for his situation went out the window, and off we went.
What I noticed during those moments was that the fight was all over the place. I had a hard time keeping up with it. Nothing made sense. That was when I realized the fight wasn't about anything in particular, but about our relationship. It was his fear about his situation.
Recognizing this, I stopped myself, pulled him into me, and just held him. He melted into my arms. From that place, we were able to discuss those fears and be teammates on the same page instead of enemies on opposite sides.
7. They avoid being overly dramatic
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In most relationships, there is one partner who is an expert at being overly dramatic to make a point or to make something seem like a bigger deal than it really is. Try to keep things in perspective and keep your emotional energy as even as possible. When you do, you'll be listened to more carefully, and the issue can be cleared up quickly.
When arguments are driven by drama, renowned American psychologist Dr. John Gottman explained that they can lead to contempt, which is the most lethal killer of relationships. Contempt communicates disgust and disrespect, poisoning a relationship and even weakening the immune system of those on the receiving end.
8. They help the relationship (and each other) grow from the fight
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If all you've done is fight and found a way to smooth things over without truly feeling a deeper sense of understanding about yourself, your relationship, and your husband, you've wasted a perfect opportunity for growth.
When you learn how to argue fruitfully, you can really gain emotional and spiritual insight into what took place, making the less likely you are to repeat the fight. At the end, share with your husband what you're biggest "aha" moment is from the experience and let him know what greater understanding you have about him that you didn't before.
Yes, ask him to give you the same feedback. If he can't in the moment, it's okay; he'll be thinking about it as long as you shared yourself first.
9. They don't air their dirty laundry
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Your relationship with your husband is the most sacred relationship you have. And nothing, aside from an affair, hurts that relationship faster than talking behind your husband's back. Research has shown that it undermines partner communication, diminishes trust, and can lead to biased perspectives.
Sharing the details of your fight and any personal information about him that he wouldn't want anyone else to know about is destructive when he finds out. And if you think he's not going to find out, think again.
The hurt look on my husband's face just broke my heart. That's all it took to never do that again. Please don't break your husband's heart.
Linda Salazar, founder of Your Heart Is In Your Hands, is a relationship coach, author, speaker, and media personality.
