If A Man Secretly Resents His Wife, He’ll Start Saying These 11 Things Casually
A husband will often start saying hurtful things when love turns into quiet irritation.
Krakenimages.com | Shutterstock We have all seen the trope in movies or real life of husbands who start to secretly resent their wives as the years go on. They package their hateful comments as jokes or sarcasm, but deep inside, they want her to hurt. It can start as subtle passive-aggressive jabs and end as insults that strike her insecurities.
As they grow old together, the husband starts to wonder why he's still with her when they have nothing in common anymore, or perhaps he has simply fallen out of love. The only way to make himself feel better is by making her feel small and cutting down her confidence piece by piece so he can feel in control of the relationship again.
If a man secretly resents his wife, he’ll start saying these 11 things casually
1. 'I miss how things used to be'
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A husband starts to resent his wife when he casually drops how he misses the way things used to be in their relationship. Maybe he misses how easy the marriage was during the honeymoon phase and now feels as though it's a burden having to maintain it every day. Having a sense of nostalgia might also influence the husband's feelings towards his wife and how she has changed.
When new challenges arise, he is reminded of times when the marriage felt easier. When the current relationship dynamic is compared to an easier one from the past, it forces that person to recognize how behaviors have changed. However, they often forget that the past had its problems, as well.
Dr. Krystine Batcho, a professor of psychology at LeMoyne College, notes that our memory is fundamentally selective. Many people tend to filter out the challenges they faced and highlight the emotional highs when they reminisce on the past, causing a distorted memory of reality.
2. 'Do you ever stop talking?'
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When a husband is no longer interested in hearing his wife talk or engage in a conversation with her, he is starting to resent her. A marriage will start to crumble when someone refuses to engage in the most important foundation of a relationship. Communicating with your partner about mundane or important things is essential in order for the other person to feel loved and heard. A real strain in the progression of a marriage is likely to develop when such a simple thing is treated as annoying or burdensome.
Although it may be easy to blame poor communication skills, Dr. Sue Johnson has learned that the real culprit is emotional disconnection. Learning how to restore the emotional connection will help the couple understand what has been causing their feelings of disconnection and distress. It takes courage and vulnerability to reach out and communicate with your partner that you want that feeling of being close again.
3. 'Does that even fit you anymore?'
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If a husband deliberately makes a comment that he knows will hurt the feelings of his wife, its a sign that he resents her. Gaining or losing weight as you grow older is something that can easily happen to anyone, so when this person makes his wife feel guilty for doing so, it may be a sign that he doesn't care if his words harm her mental health.
Unnecessary comments such as these can drive people away after years of marriage. When a husband fails to say a compliment to his wife and ends up making her feel unattractive and unwanted, she starts to compare herself to other women whom she thinks she needs to look like to make him happy again. This toxic mindset can bring on unhealthy habits and thoughts that can greatly impact someone's well-being.
4. 'You wouldn't understand'
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A husband who resents his wife can also view her as inferior to him and as someone who cannot understand what he's trying to communicate. Without explaining what he means by this hurtful phrase, the wife can end up feeling dumb and belittled, which might be the whole reason why he said it in the first place.
Even if his wife is just trying to understand the rules of the card game he's playing or how he's fixing something in their car, her willingness to learn can also be her attempt to try and bond with her husband. When she's waved off like a little girl, she suddenly drops all the effort she was going to put into restoring a relationship.
5. 'It must be nice to stay home all day'
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When the husband is working in the office all day and his wife is at home, they can start to feel resentment towards each other. Many husbands don't know what happens around the house when they're gone, and when they face challenges at work, they assume that their wife has it way easier than they do. In reality, when all the house chores fall on a single person, it can lead to stay-at-home depression, especially for moms.
When you become a full-time caregiver to a child, it's common to experience negative feelings, such as isolation or burnout. So when her husband tells her that she's lucky to stay at home all day, it leads her to believe that he doesn't know anything about what goes on around the house when he's gone.
6. 'Why can't you be more like [X]?'
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Being compared to someone else, especially if that someone else is a woman, is the last thing a wife would want to hear her husband say. If he does say this casually, he is secretly starting to resent her and their routine together. If this man thinks his wife would be better if she started acting or looking more like another woman that he knows, he is probably struggling to love her the same way as on their wedding day.
There are many such cases where a husband stares a little too long at his coworker or at a woman walking past him. Where do their minds wander? Some may think it's because they find it difficult to conceal their attraction to another woman. They could also be tired of the same daily routine he has with his wife and start to wonder how life would be if he were with a different, often younger and more attractive, woman.
If you suspect your husband is a victim of this mindset, it's important to have an honest conversation about how you feel and what he truly needs. He may simply be feeling unappreciated and is seeking validation through a dangerous means.
7. 'Here we go again'
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Hearing this phrase come out of a husband's mouth is a clear signal that he's tired of arguing and is starting to resent his wife. There could be many reasons why this is said, one of them being that whatever his wife told him has been a recurring problem that keeps resurfacing. The solution to this is figuring out why the two can't seem to find common ground and what both partners need to get out of the situation so that it doesn't bubble up and spill over again.
Another reason could be that he is simply not the type to have a confrontation. He may say he doesn't want to argue, but what he's really saying is that he doesn't know how to communicate effectively with his wife.
This negative phrase can only lead to more arguments and frustration between the couple. To communicate effectively, a good first step is to control your body language when speaking. For example, this person may say they're not mad while actively shouting it. Another tip is to know what communication style the wife and husband prefer. This can help clarify expectations and foster an understanding of the other person's point of view.
8. 'You used to be fun'
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This hurtful phrase can be a husband's way of saying he doesn't feel as though his wife is giving him enough attention and is secretly resenting her for it. Date nights happen once every blue moon instead of every month like they used to. Or this couple may have stopped hosting dinner parties or fun activities with just the two of them, but he can feel the spark starting to sizzle.
There's no need to be passive-aggressive with situations like these. Both parties need to put in an effort to make their relationship more enjoyable and exciting again, and it starts with the husband initiating a conversation about this concern. A fun exercise could be for both the wife and husband to write down on small pieces of paper things they used to do that they miss, or maybe it's something completely new they'd like to try out. Fold those pieces of paper, shake them in a jar, and plan to do that activity this week.
9. 'You act like you're so perfect'
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Telling your wife that she's not perfect could be a sign that her husband is starting to resent her. Of course, nobody is perfect, and we can all use a little self-improvement. However, wording is everything. The goal for this phrase is to actively hurt his wife, he knows what he did and he meant for her to feel bad about herself.
This is a manipulative phrase due to the fact that it's not honest criticism but rather an attack on her character, which undermines her confidence and can lead to him having more control over bossing her around. It could also be because the husband himself doesn't feel perfect and is insecure, so his best idea is to have her feel insecure beside him.
10. 'I can't say anything without upsetting you anymore'
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When a husband feels like he's walking on eggshells around his wife, he might start to secretly resent her. Suddenly, every little thing seems to tick off his wife, and he finds that the best solution is to just stop talking. A decline in communication is never good in a relationship, especially a marriage.
There are a lot of factors that can go into an emotional explosion when someone just seems to erupt out of nowhere. The wife could feel as though the relationship is out of balance. After finally holding in all her anger about being the only one maintaining the house in order or cleaning up after her husband, one small comment is bound to set her off.
11. 'You used to put in effort'
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This snarky comment is an attack on the behavior of a husband's wife and a quiet signal that he is starting to resent her. This person might think his wife doesn't put effort into looking attractive for him anymore, or maybe she doesn't prepare elaborate meals when he gets home from work as much as she used to. The truth is, maybe she's just mirroring his same behavior.
We all want to treat our partner and give them the love they deserve, but when you don't feel like that same love is being reciprocated, the rose colored glasses start to come off. Feeling as though you're giving more than you're receiving is one of the small ways resentment can start to build up in a relationship.
"Resentment doesn’t have to mean the end of your relationship. In fact, it can be a wake-up call," says John Kim, a licensed marriage and family therapist. "When addressed with honesty and compassion, resentment can actually become an opportunity for growth, deeper connection, and greater understanding."
Doreen Albuerne is a writer with a bachelor's degree in journalism who covers relationships, mental health, and lifestyle topics.
