Men Who Drive Away Everyone They Love As They Get Older Have Usually Experienced These 11 Painful Things
Going through one too many difficult times can cause men to push away the people they love most, at everyone's expense.
Bricolage / Shutterstock As we age, remnants of hurts from difficult moments we have been through rise to the surface. It can be challenging to shut down those feelings once they start to emerge. This can be especially difficult for men, who have been taught by society to keep their emotions bottled up. Showing their pain instantly makes them weak. Instead of processing their feelings, they will shove them away until they become too much, causing them to behave in ways that drive everyone they love away.
Many women want to see the men they love embrace their painful past and move through their difficult feelings. Sadly, society has brainwashed them that they should keep it internal to the point where they become too much to handle. “Feeling is natural. We’re born feeling. But disconnection from feelings is often imposed on boys,” says Assael Romanelli, Ph.D. When they don't expand their emotional range, they drive the people they love most away.
Men who drive away everyone they love as they get older have usually experienced these 11 painful things
1. An unresolved past
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Whether we notice it or not, the things we’ve been through follow us as we age. We may think we have sorted through these things, but without properly coming to terms with our painful past, it will follow us. If a man has gone through a difficult childhood or a previous divorce, he may be unaware of how much the pain is lingering.
A man with an unresolved past will choose to drive away everyone close to him. He will be so hurt from what he has been through before that he thinks he’d be better off if he were on his own. He may also inadvertently drive people away. If he hasn’t put thought into how his past impacts his present, he could be pushing away the people he loves.
2. A broken heart
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A broken heart can be devastating for anyone. For men who are taught not to let their emotions show, pain from a past relationship can spill into their present lives. They’ll remember how they felt when they went through their big heartbreak, and as a result, they’ll drive away everyone they love in their lives to avoid getting hurt again.
“A painful symptom of heartbreak is disconnection — but heartbreak is not only experienced through romantic love. Grief, betrayal, deep loss of a friendship, as well as the ending of a romantic relationship, are all instrumental instigators of heartbreak,” says Alex Holmes. “Emotional vulnerability requires us to navigate parts of ourselves lost at boyhood, and heartbreak is the emotional rupture that requires us to do the necessary work of loving deeper.”
3. Significant losses
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Losing people is one of the most painful things we go through in life. Whether it’s a family member, a friend, a significant other, or a child, nothing is worse than having someone you love pass away. For men who are told they must stand strong in the face of grief, their pain can bubble up into anger. They’ll become so angry at the world that they will cut off other people they care about.
Driving everyone they love away as they get older is especially prominent for men who are dealing with unresolved grief. It can be tough to maintain relationships when significant losses continue to pop up. As we age, so do the people we love. The older we are, the more likely we are to experience multiple losses.
4. Health issues
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Struggling with health problems can make people feel disconnected from the world around them. When they are constantly dealing with doctor visits, hospital stays, and long days in bed, they may drive those who care about them away without meaning to. Or, they could purposely drive them away, wanting to make sure they don’t see them at their lowest point.
“We know it can be difficult to talk about the daily challenges of coping with a chronic illness. However, being open about your feelings and the changes you are experiencing will help those around you understand and help you overcome them,” says Altus Biologics. “Your mental health is just as important as your physical wellbeing. Chronic disease patients are more likely to experience anxiety, stress, and depression. Don’t be afraid to reach out and get the help you need.”
Instead of driving people away when they are sick, they should be reaching out to them. However, the societal pressure to always look strong as a man makes this feel impossible.
5. Loss of purpose
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With age, your responsibilities change. Men who were once the center of their household can struggle with losing their purpose as they age. Maybe their children have grown up or their marriage has ended. They could have retired from work. These changes make them feel as though they no longer have a reason to show up for the people in their lives.
Feeling as though they are worthless, they will drive away the people in their lives who love them. It may sound counterproductive, but men often do not want to appear weak. Instead of being open about how they feel like the meaning of their life has changed, they shut down. They’d rather lose the people they love than fill them in on how unhappy they have become in life.
6. Mental health struggles
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Men struggle with mental health issues. The world that we live in has taught them that getting help for those problems makes them weak. Instead, they suffer through their pain. Depression and anxiety can become deadly for men, as they are more likely to take their own lives. When they are in a bad headspace, they’ll drive everyone away, unable to show them what they’re going through.
“Mental health is a crucial part of our overall well-being, yet it remains a topic that is often misunderstood, stigmatized, and overlooked, especially for men. For far too long, men have been expected to suppress their emotions, to tough it out, to soldier on through difficult times. This resulted in a significant gap in our understanding of men's mental health needs,” says Eric Tirrell, BA, for Butler Hospital.
7. Lack of friends
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Some men have focused too much on certain aspects of their lives and have let their personal relationships slip. When someone doesn’t have many friends, they can have a hard time making and maintaining new ones. Men have a more difficult time making friends than women do.
Since men are more likely to put their all into romantic relationships, they could struggle with having no friends following a divorce or bad breakup. He may be afraid to enter another relationship again, knowing that it could end, and he would be alone. He’ll drive people away, whether it’s romantic or platonic, to protect themselves from potential loneliness.
8. Rejection
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We have all been rejected in one way or another. The pain of not getting what we want can prevent us from ever trying to achieve that again. It could be romantic. Having a woman turn them down can cause men to drive away any other romantic interest they have. It could be career-driven. Losing a job or not getting a promotion can make them drive away everyone at work, focusing only on themselves.
“Being rejected never feels good in the moment, no matter how lucky you might feel about the 'near miss' a week, a year, or a decade later. However, there’s a gender difference in cultural expectations regarding acceptable responses to rejection,” says Suzanne Degges-White, Ph.D. “Men and women respond differently in culturally normative ways: Males tend to take rejection as a challenge to their masculinity or an insult to their perceived place in the social hierarchy.”
9. Loss of self through caregiving
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As we age, so do the people closest to us. For some men, they become the primary caretaker of an elderly relative. Men who are devoting their lives to someone who is old and sickly can become disconnected from everything else around them. The pain of seeing someone you love suffer at the end of their life can make them drive away everyone they love in their life. They are so focused on helping others that they don’t maintain their personal relationships.
This can also stem from single fatherhood. If a man is trying to balance his career and parenting, he may drive others away. It might not be on purpose, but he will be so focused on keeping his household running that he will not have time for anything else.
10. Financial issues
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Men have a strong ego. They want to come across as strong and successful. When someone is dealing with financial issues, they may be embarrassed. They’ll drive away the people in their lives out of shame.
“Many men still carry the internal narrative that their value is tied to financial success. Despite shifting gender roles and household dynamics, the expectation to “have it all together” financially hasn’t disappeared. Men may no longer be the sole breadwinners in every home, but the pressure to provide remains deeply internalized,” says Nathan Astle, MFT, CFT-I. “When men can’t meet these expectations, shame often takes hold, and with shame, secrecy frequently follows. In fact, men are more likely than women to commit financial infidelity — hiding debts, purchases, or financial decisions from their partners. Shame convinces men they’re alone, which can lead to secret-keeping and isolation.”
11. Career losses
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Going along with the pain of financial struggle, a man’s career often becomes their entire personality. They are tied to their jobs in more ways than one. They need their careers to feel good about themselves. If they go through a career loss, it can devastate their self-esteem.
Since they are struggling with losing such a major part of who they are, they may shut down and drive away everyone as they get older. They will be ashamed of their job loss, especially if it came at their own fault. It’s easier for them to push away the people who loved them while they had that job than to be honest with them about what they have gone through.
Haley Van Horn is a freelance writer with a master’s degree in Humanities, living in Los Angeles. Her focus includes entertainment and lifestyle stories.
