Couples With These 8 Communication Habits Are 98% Happier Than Everyone Else
Good communication is essential in any thriving relationship.
Dean Drobot | Shutterstock Marriage requires daily hard work, despite what many couples believe. They'll talk about work, the kids, and even rush hour traffic, but don't know how to communicate about things that make them a couple. Unfortunately, the perception of "what is essential" gets muddled in the monotony of day-to-day responsibilities and, before you know it, the connection is lacking.
But whether it's being honest, listening intently, or asking questions, couples with these communication habits are 98% happier than everyone else. Being aware of the importance of communication means a healthier relationship. In fact, it can revitalize, reinvent, and even save your marriage.
Couples with these 8 communication habits are 98% happier than everyone else
1. They're honest about their desires
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Good and effective communication is a healthy reciprocity of both talking and listening. But if couples are feeling locked out of their marriage's potential because of poor communication, they must be honest about their needs. One partner can't expect the other to know what they're thinking, so being honest about what they truly want will stop resentment before it grows.
Women who complain that their husbands won't talk often just want their husbands to listen. Not just in-one-ear-and-out-the-other listen, but hearing-with-the-heart listen.
"Our ability to be open and truthful with a partner is a sign of trust and security in the relationship. Feeling comfortable enough to disclose something vulnerable or meaningful about ourselves is indicative of the relationship's strength, arguably even more significant than an inadvertent or little white lie here and there," clinical psychologist Lisa Firestone explained.
2. They create safety in their relationship
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Whether it's working with a therapist or refraining from judgment, couples with these communication habits are happier than everyone else. They make it a point to create a safe environment for their partner.
The absence of communication is often a sign of fear, so it's imperative that couples never use their spouse's words against them. After all, they took vows to love, protect and cherish. Couples should be their spouse's safe place to land, take good care of their spouse's heart and see what comes forth when they do.
3. They embrace their differences
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When it comes to communication, men and women not only have different styles but different needs. Women crave empathy, men crave respect, and their communication styles reflect those differences.
It may be second-nature for women to maintain eye contact during conversations, overlapping or interjecting in a cooperative way, but men may be more comfortable talking while doing something — walking, fishing, gardening. The important thing is that partners each seek to understand the other.
4. They listen with intention
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Couples with the communication habit of listening with intention are happier than everyone else because they make their partner feel heard, loved, and appreciated. Couples who listen openly to each other don't just wait for their spouse to stop talking; rather, they listen quietly, compassionately, and without judgment.
To grow closer together, partners should make sure they don't override, pounce, or fill in the silent gaps. They must give their partner time to explain their emotions and get their point across, sitting back and listening. Even reassuring comments can stop a partner's flow and their trust in the safety of the conversation.
5. They ask open-ended questions
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"Are you OK?" will likely get a "Yep" in response. But a question like "How did you feel listening to the Clarks talk about their retreat?" opens the door to a real discussion. By asking open-ended questions, couples are more likely to learn just how much their spouse really wants to share.
Additionally, open-ended questions allow couples to understand their partner's experience and show that they want to hear what they have to say. Often, relationships can become stale when partners stop wondering about each other, but asking questions in this way helps couples to become more curious.
According to psychology expert Ellie Lisitsa, "If you ask questions that require only a yes or no answer, you hinder conversations before they can begin. You accidentally close the door that you want to open... Instead of 'Did you watch that movie?' ask, 'What was your favorite part?' Instead of 'Are you upset?' ask, 'You seem upset. What's going on?'"
6. They're considerate of timing
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When couples are discussing important topics, it's important to not bring up those conversations at improper times. For instance, they shouldn't discuss unpaid bills or chores for the next day while they're both tired and in bed. Instead, it's best to save those discussions for the right time.
Communication is successful when partners set it up to succeed. So, partners should be considerate of one another and choose their timing accordingly.
7. They don't expect (or pretend to be) a mind-reader
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"He should just know" or "She can figure it out" sets up a relationship for failure, especially when there are expectations attached to the assumptions. It's unfair for partners not to take responsibility for communicating what they want or need, while expecting the other person to fulfill it. That's why couples who don't pretend to be mind-readers with their partner are happier than everyone else.
Inevitably, a partner won't read their spouse's mind correctly, and both will end up resentful. In the book "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz, the one agreement that is deemed to be most transformative is don't make assumptions. And mind-reading falls into the category of making assumptions.
8. They're the spouse their partner desires
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The adage that "you teach people how to treat you" joins forces with "the Golden Rule" here. Couples must model the behavior they want from their spouse. Assume the risk of being the first one to do the right thing.
Couples can set their relationship up to succeed by being the person their partner truly wants, in an authentic way.
Dr. Jerry Duberstein, Ph.D. is a couples therapist, and his partner, Mary Ellen Goggin, JD, is a relationship guide. They lead private intensive couples retreats and are the co-authors of "Relationship Transformation: Have Your Cake and Eat It Too."
