People Who Don’t Feel Fully Safe In Their Relationship Often Do These 5 Things Without Realizing It
Relationships are supposed to make you feel secure, not scared.
Brandon Russell | Unsplash Hypervigilance is the state of being on high alert for any potential threats to the status quo. It’s a type of paranoia about perceived danger and risk around you. While being vigilant about these things is perfectly normal, there should be an ability to feel safe and secure in certain places and situations, allowing you to dial back your hypervigilance.
But in some relationships, one or both parties might be hypervigilant about threats to the connection. This is often due to past trauma like suffering emotional, mental, or physical abuse from a previous partner, or feeling uncertain, criticized, or embarrassed.
According to holistic psychologist Dr. Nicole LePera, relationship hypervigilance can show up in the way you communicate with your partner or feel in your relationship. “Relationship hypervigilance is a constant fear that someone is mad or upset with you. It creates high anxiety and emotional monitoring,” Dr. LePera writes in the caption of a TikTok video. In the clip, the psychologist shares some telltale examples of how being overly vigilant in a relationship shows up.
People who don’t feel fully safe in their relationship often do these 5 things without realizing it:
1. They overexplain
In the video, LePera demonstrates overexplaining by apologizing profusely and going through every minute detail of why she was not able to do what her partner had expected. She even goes as far as calling herself an “idiot” for the misstep.
Overexplaining is a learned behavior that usually occurs unconsciously as a way to control anxiety, with individuals attempting to avoid judgment or disappointing people by explaining things in great detail to make others understand why they did or said something. One study suggested that this excessive justification reveals an underlying fear that their partner won't believe them, will misunderstand them, or will react negatively without extensive explanation.
2. They take too much accountability
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In a second example, the psychologist shows how the hypervigilant take accountability for their partner’s actions. Without asking why her counterpart didn’t do laundry, she creates an excuse for him or her and takes responsibility for the task that was never hers.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Kristin Davin explains that people with anxious attachment styles worry about their partner's love and search out mannerisms and nuances that might indicate their partner doesn't love them, engaging in clingy, anxious behaviors that leave partners feeling emotionally tapped out. By shouldering blame that isn't theirs, hypervigilant individuals are unconsciously trying to maintain stability, but in doing so, they're building a relationship on an unbalanced foundation that prevents genuine intimacy and trust from developing.
3. They monitor their partner's emotions constantly
In this example, she asks, “Are you mad at me?” In situations where we are walking on eggshells in our relationships, we tend to try and predict our partner’s emotions, hoping to do something to change any negative feelings they have toward us. This might also show up as invalidating or pushing down our own emotions to keep the peace.
Research demonstrates that people high in attachment anxiety are hypervigilant to signs of vulnerability in others, partly because they don't feel equipped to cope with negative emotions and partly because a partner's emotional state may signal temporary unavailability to provide care. This hypervigilance manifests as extreme sensitivity to a partner's moods and emotions, with individuals becoming constantly attuned to their partner's needs and wants out of fear of abandonment, often leading to neglect of their own feelings and needs.
4. They constantly look for approval
Even when a person has indicated that everything is okay, hypervigilant people continue to overexplain, take unnecessary accountability, and question whether or not their mate is really sharing their authentic feelings. They are constantly looking for signs of acceptance or approval and coming up with ideas that might satisfy their partner.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Seth Meyers says that people who crave constant attention and reassurance end up frustrating their romantic partners by dominating every interaction. This pattern of seeking constant reassurance stems from deep insecurity rather than genuine threats to the relationship, creating a cycle where the more reassurance they receive, the more they need to feel secure.
5. They have racing thoughts that tell them someone is mad at them
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There is no good way to reassure people who are hypervigilant in their relationships. There is a constant underlying fear that someone is mad at them, and that assumption alone can lead them to overcompensate by asking repeatedly and doing whatever they can to please that person.
There are many reasons why you might be super aware of any perceived threats or risks in your relationship. Perhaps you grew up watching your parents be that way, so it became the norm for you. Disproportionate emotional reactions and hypervigilant ways of thinking were observed and normalized for you.
There may be trust issues between you and your partner that make it difficult for you to feel secure in the relationship. You might be uncomfortable with giving your mate space out of fear that they will leave you.
You could also be prone to emotional outbursts due to the stress and anxiety caused by constantly having your guard up. Mindfulness, meditation, and therapy can be helpful in overcoming relationship hypervigilance.
This constant state of alert takes a significant emotional toll, and when one partner exists in a continuous state of fear, hypervigilance, or anxiety, the dynamic becomes unsustainable without conscious efforts to address these underlying attachment patterns. According to neuroscience research, understanding that these racing thoughts stem from deep-seated attachment fears rather than present reality is the first step toward building greater security in your relationships.
NyRee Ausler is a writer from Seattle, Washington, and the author of seven books. She focuses on lifestyle and human interest stories that deliver informative and actionable guidance on interpersonal relationships, enlightenment, and self-discovery.
