Divorce Usually Isn't A Surprise

Men often cry foul play over divorce, feeling they were blindsided~but women feel empowered by it.

Divorce is always good for women, if not right away, then eventually. I say this because women typically do not divorce on a whim, they do so after years sacrificing their wants and needs for the benefit of others, until they finally learn that unhappiness is not par for the course.

Women take unhappiness more seriously than men because unhappiness takes a bigger toll on us.  For years on end, we sacrifice our wants, needs, and sleep without much appreciation, and when women put in too much effort for extended periods of time, we are the ones who end up drained, irritable, sick, and empty; lonely marriages deplete women while men hang on, happy with just being comfortable and content enough to stay, even after intimacy drifts off. Women won’t do that, we only tolerate so much unhappiness, boredom, and disconnectedness before we finally feel alone in the relationship, and then the idea of leaving isn’t such a big deal.

When women finally bail out, it’s after realizing that the unhappiness is a symptom of bigger problems in the marriage. By then, we may have hinted, suggested, bitched, complained, waited, forgave, forgot, gave second, third, and fourth chances, gave more sex, gave less sex-or no sex, considered separation, threatened divorce, gave ultimatums, turned off, tuned out, and given up. It doesn’t happen overnight or all of a sudden, and it isn’t a surprise~which is how many men explain it once they are alone.

Once we actually leave, it appears to be easy for us to move on and we are guilt free about the decision, and strong. We don’t look back because we left after a barrage of missed signals and unanswered cries for change; the mourning of the relationship, doesn’t happen at the end for women, it happened slowly over a long period of time during the marriage, so divorce represents a renewal for women, and a relief.

For many men, the opposite is true. They feel blindsided and fall into a downward spiral of trying to figure out what the hell happened, and when it happened. They and say they didn't see it coming, and then start putting in all the efforts we had asked for all along, trying to get us back.  They take us seriously too late. They see the value we bring to their lives, too late.  The cold, harsh truth is, many men just don't pay attention, and when men don't meet their ladies at the half way point consistently, she warns that she is emotionally dying, but it isn't appreciated, and then it's only a matter of time before she walks.

After perhaps years of unmatched energy and unsustained fervor, women want to feel alive again~preferably with our husbands, but if they aren’t going to join us, we will go find life elsewhere, because we have to; it isn’t personal.  I get that the men left behind don't like that, but most divorces typically don't happen overnight, and there was plenty of opportunity to participate in the day to day.  Women don't want grand gestures, we want simple things and partners who anticipate the routine and jump in.  If we aren't getting that from our partner, why are we married?

Divorce allows women to salvage the rest of their lives and it catapults women into second (or even first) careers.  It puts women into the arms of men who see us, chase us, like us, and love us well~or, it gives us a much needed break and some down time to focus on ourselves, maybe for the first time in years. Either way, it feels like a win after having been alone in a relationship.

This article was originally published at . Reprinted with permission from the author.