3 Important Things You Can Learn From Couples Who Don't Fight, EVER

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Love, Heartbreak

You don't have to have that next fight.

There you go again. You and your partner fell into that awful pattern of yelling, negativity and even threatened to leave the relationship. You both are miserable but can’t quite figure out how to fix this problem. This has been going on for far too long and you are both sick of it, yet perplexed about how to solve this frustrating and endless cycle.

Try using these 3 steps to stop the next round of arguments before they even start (you're welcome):

1. Admit your faults

It’s time to get humble, authentic and honest. Leave your victim-type thoughts and words out of this conversation. Victim consciousness includes blaming, judgments, criticisms, complaints and accusations. This step requires you to own up to your part, NOT THEIR PART, only yours.

Make a list of your behaviors and words during the argument that you are not proud of. This takes guts but you can do it, especially if you want to stop this crazy pattern that you and your partner are in. Use your list to create your ‘I’m taking responsibility’ statements.

Here’s an example of what you could say to your partner: “Now that things are calm between us, I’d like to take responsibility for my part in our argument. I was blaming you for ___(fill in the blank)___ and that wasn’t helpful or kind. I am sorry for saying what I said. I’m making a commitment to work on changing it.”

Extra kudos if you tell your partner what you are committed to do to make sure you will not do this again: start therapy, take an online course, do a workshop, read a self-help book, take up meditation, etc.

2. Commit to yourself first 

Spend 90 percent of your time focusing at your own behaviors and emotions versus your partners. Instead of looking at what they need to change, you make a commitment to changing yourself. Spend 10 percent of your time focused on the relationship and on your partner. 90 percent on fixing you and 10 percent your partner. Seriously, it's the magic ratio!  

The interesting thing is, the more time you spend loving and honoring you, the more able you are to authentically love your partner. In other words, your partner benefits tremendously when you are taking care of yourself.

3. Make a practice of being grateful

This one tip has saved marriages on the brink of divorce, so this is yet another powerful part of the action plan. What you focus on is what you experience. So stop focusing on what you don’t like or want anymore.

Tell your partner at least three things about them that you are grateful for — every single day. Tell them what you admire, what you love about them and what they do that makes you feel happy and special. That way, you’ll get more of what you love about them and less of what you don’t.

Same goes with you. Everyday, tell yourself at least three things that you love and admire about yourself.

In other words, compliment yourself — a lot!