Dating After a Break Up Or Divorce


The Dos and Don’ts of a First Date

Okay, so you’ve read my article on when to start dating again after a break up or divorce and you’re confident that you’re 100% ready to get back out there. Congratulations! But wait – before you sign up for Match.com and start winking at people, let’s make sure you’re really prepared by going over the behaviors that can make or break a first date. If you haven’t dated in a while, reviewing this list will definitely help you get to the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th date – and maybe even to “I do”.

Now, before we get started, I want you to know that this topic is actually really close to my heart. As many of you know I went through an extremely painful break up a few years ago and I didn’t date anyone for a long time. As time passed, after a long time of working on myself and getting my ducks in a row, I finally felt ready to get back out there.

I signed up for OkCupid.com  (Which is Free by the way) and after about six or seven months I met a really intriguing man. Of course I read his profile over and over again, but it wasn’t until we met in person that I really got to know how great he is. We’ve been seeing each other for ten months now, and for the first time in my life I’m SO content because first of all, I am so clear about what I want my relationship to look like and what I want to experience in a relationship and second because I am finally with a man whose own mindfulness not only respects my values and desires, but also understands the importance of respecting both of our values and desires, in order for us to build a strong relationship.

This is the partner and teammate I’ve been looking for, and if you want the same thing, you have to bring your “A Game” to your first dates. Like I said before, certain behaviors have the ability make or break a date, so review this list before you get back out there:

Major First Date DON’TS!

  1. Don’t talk about your ex! You’re on a date to move forward, not backwards, and nothing turns your date off faster than talking about your ex-partner. And keep in mind – even though you may think you’re giving your date a compliment by saying how much better he or she is than your ex, it’s still a turn off!
  2. Don’t talk about your fears, assumptions and limiting beliefs around being loved, being in a relationship or working a relationship out. When you talk about old baggage on a first date, it often has the effect of scaring the other person off.
  3. Don’t play games and don’t test him/her. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Be honest with your date and you’ll get the same in return.
  4. Don’t talk about marriage and kids on a first date. Even if you absolutely want kids and won’t date anyone who doesn’t share that desire, the first date is not the time to discuss this deal-breaker.
  5. Don’t judge and jump to conclusions. Keep an open mind and listen with curiosity – not judgment.
  6. Don’t compare your ex’s positive or negative attributes. In fact, try and push your ex out of your mind all together! We all have good qualities and bad qualities, but the first date is a time for you to get to know this new person without assessing how he or she stacks up against your ex.

Ultimate First Date DOS!

  1. Do talk about what you like, for example skiing, painting and traveling. Be upbeat when you discuss your passions, and don’t spend too much time focusing on the things you don’t like.
  2. Do listen and observe. It is so important to listen with the intention of getting to know this new person! Don’t judge or jump to conclusions – just enjoy the conversation.
  3. Do be the response you want to see from him or her. For example, if you want a caring partner, be caring. If you want an attentive partner, be attentive.
  4. Do make suggestions as to what you would like to do, and always check in to say: “what do you think about that?” This phrase creates partnership and gives your date the feeling that they have a say in making the decision.

Now if after reading all of this, you still feel that something is stopping you from bringing your  “A” game to the dating world, and you want to figure what it is, and what to turn them around, give inTact coaching a call. I have just the right tool that will help you pinpoint those hidden road blocks that are getting in the way of you and your dream relationship and more so I will give you a clear, and confidence-building blueprint on what your next steps can be.

To your mindful dating practices and everlasting and loving relationships!