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5 Reasons You Need To Stop Keeping Score With The Guy You Love

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5 Reasons Healthy Couples Avoid Keeping Score In Their Relationship
Love

Especially if you want that love to last.

Clearly, it takes two to ruin a relationship. If you’re the type of partner who constantly keeps score of what he’s doing, what you’re doing, and stacking up resentments, this is for you.

Say you are arguing. The fight starts out about him forgetting to bring you dinner. Trivial? Yes. Most likely the effect of him being to busy and simply forgetting. You mention that you’re disappointed and things quickly get out of control.

Pretty soon you’re mentioning that time last year when he showed up late to your dinner party. Is this time like that one last year? No. Did you resolve that issue at the time? Yes, and he apologized profusely.


In making the case that he’s not thoughtful in the current day by using long-buried resentments, you’re throwing fuel on the fire and making it impossible for either of you to safely forgive and move on. Your mental scorecard gets another check mark next to "insensitivity".

Next time, the same thing happens. Finally, after the 234th mention of something he did wrong in the past, he screams back at you, "I can never do anything right!!!"

Here are 5 reasons why you should stop keeping score if you want to stay in a healthy relationship:

1. No argument is ever truly solved.

The other person moved on and has long forgotten about the last argument you had. All of the sudden, when you mention it in the current day, they are being held responsible for something that they thought was dead and buried, long apologized for. It feels like crap to have your failures continually rehashed.

When both partners stop arguing to resolve the issue and start being hurtful to each other, the train goes off the rails. Continually bringing up old hurts makes the other person feel like the relationship is not safe. That's just the environment you’re trying to avoid if you’re interested in maintaining and growing the relationship.

2. Real problems become worse.

When you’re keeping track of each slight and injury, including some you have probably failed to mention, it ensures that nothing is resolved. When nothing is resolved, this naturally makes it so that the real problems in the present can’t be fixed.

The problems crying out for your attention in the present become huge. When you bring up other problems during an argument, it draws attention away from the current issue. Just the opposite of what needs to happen during an argument to reach a resolution.

Don’t make your partner comb through a bunch of problems other than the one at hand each time you fight. If you’re arguing and your partner asks for examples, try and temper them with a short explanation that you know this was already resolved, but here’s why it’s an example.

It shows that you aren't trying to hurt them by sharing the example they requested in the first place. Try to stay in the current moment otherwise.

3. Scorekeeping breeds deep resentment.

When you are not resolving anything and simply rehashing old arguments, the lack of resolution breeds resentment in the partner who is trying to resolve arguments in good faith.

If your partner is left scratching his head each time you fight, wondering why you are still bringing up his failures from 2 years ago, he’s going to feel like you don’t fight fair.


RELATED: How Much Fighting In A Relationship Is Too Much (And What's Totally Normal)?


4. It undermines trust.

When you resolve an argument, the other person needs to be able to trust that it won’t be thrown back in their face later. It comes across as a low blow to be reminded of every time they failed you each time they forget to load the dishwasher.

5. Keeping track of resentments makes you ugly.

When you have a long list of things that the other person did wrong right ready to throw at them any time, it keeps you from wholeheartedly enjoying their company. You don’t want to be one of those bitter people who are always angry, right? You know what I’m talking about.

Those people who are always ready with a negative comment? Not you, right? Well if you keep track of everything bad that happens, it really burdens you. If you’re feeling resentful about something happening in your relationship, it’s time to resolve it and let it die for good.


RELATED: 5 Ways To Fight Better (So You Can Build The Kind Of Love That Lasts)


Elizabeth Stone is an author, relationship coach, and founder of Attract The One. Is your man losing interest in you? Does your relationship feel stale and disconnected? Get to the bottom of it with your free copy of Why Men Lose Interest and free daily email series

This article was originally published at Attract The One. Reprinted with permission from the author.

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