7 Ways To Have A More Passionate Marriage (Even If The Spark Is Gone)

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how to have a passionate marriage
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Bring back the heat!

Is it normal for a couple to lose the passion in their relationship and marriage? And once the fire starts to die out, is it possible to regain, renew or rekindle that fire?

These are common questions for those committed to long-term marriages. In fact, the flames of passion can start to wane within just a few years. In one study, 75 percent of couples said that their relationship began losing its passion about 3½ years into the marriage. Sadly, only about one in four couples said that the passion in their marriage was still fresh and exciting.


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However, if you and your partner are committed to improving the spark in your relationship, there's hope. It's definitely possible to rekindle the passion in your marriage — you just have to be intentional about it and give it some time to develop. 

Here are 7 ways in which you can begin to rekindle the passion in your relationship:

1. Think about and talk through your expectations. 

The flames of passion likely did not die out quickly in your marriage. Usually, couples notice things changing a little at a time. Turning things around can take time and will involve effort.

Set aside some time to have an honest evaluation with your spouse regarding the current state of your marriage. Be sure to lay the groundwork beforehand so that this does not become a complaint session. 

What you want to get to is the TRUTH! What is the truth about how each of you feels regarding the presence or lack of passion in your marriage? What do each of you miss, and what do you each want? Talk about your expectations and determine as a couple that you will both commit to doing the things that will help to rekindle the passion you have lost.

2. Hold hands more often. 

An easy place to begin is by holding hands more often. When was the last time you held hands together?

Make it a point and be intentional about holding hands. You can do this while riding next to each other in the car, taking a walk, going shopping together or even sitting in your living room or at the kitchen table. Take a moment, reach over and take her hand into yours and hold it.

3. Flirt with your spouse. 

How long has it been since you last flirted with your spouse? Remember those cute little things you used to do — the seductive looks you gave and the secret, little hints you would use to say, I want you?

It's important to not stop flirting with your spouse. And if you have stopped, make an effort to bring it back.

Bring back those quick and fun touches that brought you both feelings of excitement in the past. Send a flirty text, or say the things you used to say to communicate that you can’t wait until you can be alone with your spouse. Brag about your spouse in front of others. Be sexy again.

4. Invest more in your relationship. 

When the flames start to die out, you can begin to reawaken them by making a premeditated effort at investing in your spouse.

In Matthew 6:21, Jesus said, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also” (NIV). What I get out of that is that your heart will follow the things that you have invested in. It does not matter whether the investment is money or time or energy. Your heart will maintain an interest and have some “feelings” for the things you invest in. 

If passion is dying out, start a relationship "investment" program. Be intentional about investing or reinvesting in your spouse. Go out of your way to do things for her and take care of her. If necessary, make a list of the top ten caring things you can do for her — and then begin doing them regularly. 

If you can’t come up with anything, you should make a date with her and ask her to help you make a list of positive things you can do for her that she would like. Then do them!


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5. Share secrets together. 

How long has it been since you shared a secret that was just between you and your spouse? The big idea here is that you have shared experiences or plans that no one else but the two of you knows about.

Is there a place that you had a make out session or made love together that was romantic, exciting and was a spontaneous event that you both were surprised happened? 

If that has not happened in awhile, attempt to find ways to achieve this in the near future. Then, find cute ways to remind each other about those intimate, little secrets that will not embarrass your spouse, but instead will help to keep your excitement alive. 

6. Initiate more affectionate touch. 

Purposely and regularly initiate affectionate touch. This does not mean grabbing and groping. There is a time and a place for sexual touch, but that is not the point here. Rather, affectionate touch is touching in ways that would not embarrass your spouse if others were around. Affectionate touches say, I am thinking of you. 

It can be as simple as a hand brushing across her back or shoulder as you pass by. It can involve just putting your hand on the other's arm while you are sitting and talking. It can involve a firm hug in which you hang on just a little longer and squeeze just a little tighter than normal. It could be that you put your arm around him or her when sitting next to each other and pull them close for a minute or two. zThis kind of touch is done at times when there is no chance of being sexual right then, but it can certainly set the stage for sex and passionate intimacy later in the day.

7. Set aside time to be intimate. 

Often, passion will decline simply because of the gravity of life. Children need attention; job demands spill over into evening and weekend hours; tasks need to be done around the house; volunteer activities take more time than you thought they would.

The list goes on and on, and before you know it, there is little or energy left to spend together and share your passion for each other. 

So be deliberate and intentional about saving chunks of time when the two of you can be intimate with each other. Plan it out if necessary; keep it a secret; flirt about it.

But no matter what, follow through with it! Enjoy and cherish the private times you have reserved for each other.

Yes, you can rekindle the passion in your marriage. If you will conspire and scheme together and be consistent in your efforts, over time you will find the passion and excitement for each other and your marriage fanning into flames again. It may even happen faster than you thought possible.

Get to work at it, and enjoy the fruits of your labor.


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If you like the thought of re-igniting the spark in your marriage but have about given up, call Drs. David and Debbie McFadden. If you have spent a number of months or even years in a relationship desert, it becomes more and more difficult to hold on to hope that things will ever change. Call us at 331-308-0113 for a free 15-20 minute phone/Skype consultation. Together, we can figure out how you can rekindle the passion in your marriage so you get back on the road to a happier life with your spouse. 

This article was originally published at DavidAndDebbieMcFadden.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.

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