Do Not Fall In Love Until You've Answered These 10 Questions About The Kind Of Man He Is

Photo: weheartit
10 Not-So-Obvious Questions To Ask Yourself Before Falling In Love With Someone
Contributor
Love

The not-so-obvious questions you haven't thought of.

Questions are everything. Without them, we don’t find answers. They act as rudders that direct us in the life direction we want to go. So it’s important that we ask ourselves the right questions before investing our time, energy, and heart in someone. But since our brains are just on a continuous replay loop, we are always asking the same questions.


RELATED: Do NOT Marry Someone Until You Can Honestly Answer These 20 Qs


Not today, friend.

Okay, real quick: I lied about something. There’s really only one question you really need to ask yourself. But if you scroll down to find it, you’re going to miss some good stuff that may change your thinking and give you a fresh perspective. I’ll front-load a few now so you don’t leave.

How does he or she make me feel? Yes, that one’s obvious. But a better question to ask is: 

1. How do I feel about myself when I’m around him or her? 

This question brings it back to you, but more important, it can be a measure of how you’re treated. Someone can make you feel good if you find them attractive or hot or whatever. But if you feel terrible about yourself around that person, that may be telling of the kind of space they’re creating for you.

Now, of course, the next question is, how much of you feeling terrible about yourself is your own stuff and insecurities, and how much is something they’re doing or not doing? But how you feel about yourself when you’re around someone is a very important question because if someone is supportive and holding space/you/the relationship, instead of grabbing, controlling, and owning, you’re going to feel good about yourself, because they’re creating a safe space. Safe spaces are where people grow and relationships thrive. So if someone is criticizing, judging, controlling, unaccepting, and unsupportive, you’re going to feel bad about yourself, because that space is not safe.


RELATED: 5 Ways Good Men 'Hold Space' For The Women They Love


Another question which people don’t put much weight in, but I believe is important, is: 

2. Are they thoughtful? 

Yes, it may not be a deal breaker, but thoughtfulness goes a long way when you’re three years in, the sex isn’t the same, and little things about them are starting to really annoy you. Because thoughtfulness is them thinking about you in action. It's proof that they are thinking about you.

Notes, cards, texts, love letters, a birthday gift you actually like because they listened and remembered — all of them are ways of connecting. Thoughtfulness equals connection: If they are not thoughtful, they’re not connecting. Also, it fuels the loving banter, the back and forth. If you’re super thoughtful and your partner doesn’t give you anything back, you’re playing frisbee by yourself.

One of my favorite questions: 

3. Do I see home in their eyes? 

Everyone has their own definition of home. For some, it’s security. For some, it’s a cute baby. For some, it’s action-driven. For some, it’s a feeling. But home is home. And at the end of the day, it’s what we all want.

Under the umbrella of this question, there are many other important questions, like:

4. Are they supportive of me and my journey? 

This is huge. If you find your partner to be jealous or competitive, or if they want you to do something or be someone you’re not, they are making it about them. In a relationship, they will be bringing you down, not lifting you up. Sulking you instead of sharpening you. That’s not sustainable; you will only take so much.

[A quick note about questions: If it’s a yes-or-no question, follow it up with a how. For example, are they supportive of you and your journey? Yes. Okay, how are they supportive of you and your journey? Because sometimes we think they are because they say it, but when we ask ourselves how, we come up short. "How" questions force us to really examine what’s going on. They demand proof.]

Moving on: 

5. Are they tactile? 

This isn’t just me sharing a personal preference. It’s a real thing, and a question many don’t consider. There is something called skin hunger. Some people have high skin hunger and need to be touched and cuddled, and some just don’t care for it. If you’re someone who not only wants but needs to be touched, home isn’t going to be with someone who doesn’t like to touch or be touched.

It’s not a love thing. It’s a wiring/love language thing. It doesn’t seem like a big deal, but if you think about the day-to-day of a relationship and how much time we spend with each other, it’s as significant as chemistry and humor.


RELATED: The Type Of Guy You Deserve, Based On Your Love Language


6. How do they fight? 

It’s never about how many times we fight. It’s about how we fight. If they don’t fight fair—if they steamroll, storm out of rooms, or throw chairs—that’s not home; it’s a red flag.

7. Do they take care of themselves? 

This is probably a question our parents didn’t ask themselves when they were courting, but today wellness matters. I’m not just saying this because I’m a therapist; it’s a human thing. And by taking care of oneself, I’m not referring to hygiene, although that may be a make-or-break for some.

I mean, are they feeding their brain, exercising their body, conscious of their diet, and working on their mental and emotional well-being? Because all this will directly affect your life. Or are they just chasing success, but deteriorating, mind, body, and soul?

You are investing in a whole self-sustaining person. It’s not just an attraction thing, it’s a health thing. Stress kills people. We all have a responsibility to take care of ourselves, or other people end up doing it for us, and that’s not fair to them. Also, if someone doesn’t take care of themselves, they probably don’t love themselves on a deeper level, and if they don’t love themselves, they can’t love you—at least in a healthy, fulfilling way.

Here’s another one you may not have thought of: 

8. Do they use a lot of “I” in their sentences? 

Basically, do they always make it about them? Some people have this thing where no matter what you talk about, they end up making it about them. It’s actually kind of impressive because they’re so good at it, you don’t notice until they leave, and you’re left sitting there feeling like a therapist who never gets paid. If they do, it means they’re going to be taking in the relationship, instead of giving.

People who take assume very little ownership, and if they are not able to take any ownership, there is no room for growth: They will be at you instead of with you. They may still love you but the relationship will be lopsided, and lopsided equals unhealthy equals unsustainable.

As a therapist, I encourage “I” statements. But that’s to own your feelings and validate yourself, not to forget about the person you love.


RELATED: Relationships Aren't Built for Selfish People — If They're Doing These 5 Things, Run!


9. How are they good for me? 

Not just, are they good for me, but how. I want examples. Or you may be misleading yourself because you feel something. We are obsessed with the sugar (chemistry) instead of the protein (if they’re good for us). And sugar doesn’t last; it just creates cavities.

So ask yourself if he or she is good for you. Not just good for you right now, because you can also fool yourself into liking someone because they are giving you protein right now, something you haven’t had in so long or maybe ever, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you like the person. Make sure you ask yourself if they’re good for you in the long run, and if so, how? Make a list. If it’s very short, ask yourself why you are with them. If that list is also super short, you don’t have enough to build something.

Which brings me to...

Okay, here it is, the one question you really need to ask. Yes, all the questions above are important. I’m sure you have many more great questions you ask yourself. But at the end of the day, there’s only one question you really need to ask before you choose to invest or not because everything hangs on this. If the answer is no, the other stuff doesn’t matter. The house crumbles.

10. Can I build something with this person?

Relationships are built, like houses, bodies, and careers. That means tools are required, and by tools I mean ability. I think this is where we drop the ball. We rarely think about one’s tools. We get excited about charisma, chemistry, and how they make us feel. Then we invest and realize that they can’t build anything.

So ask yourself: Are they self-aware, or are they just a walking reaction? Do they try to understand before trying to be understood? Are they working on themselves? Have they ever? Have they been through some stuff and come out the other end better, stronger, with wisdom and reflection? That says a lot. Are they aware of their energy, their actions, their negativity, and their choice of words?

You know how tough relationships are. Throw into that mix stress from the daily turbulence of life, random events that are thrown at us, the battlefield known as our heads, and people constantly changing, and love can turn into a nasty storm.

I don’t want to end on that sentence.

But if you find someone who has the ability to build something amazing, that storm will have nothing on you guys. Your home will be weatherproof and bulletproof, and love will grow and blossom and be the most beautiful thing you've ever experienced. It will be bigger than the both of you—bigger than your insecurities, your self-doubt, your weaknesses, your wandering eyes, your success, your failures, or your fears.

When you build something solid, the relationship will be a living, breathing thing, and force both of you to learn and grow and be better versions of yourselves. You'll have built the most powerful thing we possess as humans—healthy love.

RELATED: 4 Signs You've Found Your Forever Person (Congrats!)


John Kim LMFT (The Angry Therapist) pioneered the online life coaching movement seven years ago. Kim became known as an unconventional therapist who worked out of the box, and when he built out a coaching team of his own, launched an entire movement to change the way we change. Follow him on Instagram.

This article was originally published at Psychology Today. Reprinted with permission from the author.

Author
Contributor