11 Signs Of A Tacky "Downmarket" Wedding (According To An Asshole)

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11 Signs Of A Tacky Downmarket Wedding According To A Snob

If the bride has skin showing and heels are worn ... it's a no.

One English columnist has taken wedding snobbery to the next level. 

I’ve been an Anglophile since before I could say “crumpets and corgis”. Monty Python makes me titter like a schoolgirl. I can rhapsodize about the Spencer lineage for hours.

The idea of pausing for tea and digestive biscuits makes me weak in the knees.

I am ABOUT England. But I am not about turning my nose up at things that make other people happy. 

Not so for Daily Mail writer William Hanson. He is pretty sure that your wedding will be tacky.

In fact you kind of get the idea reading his thoughts that he gets off on your inevitable descent into tulle and terribleness.

He’s come up with 11 things to watch for if you hope to marry without having your wedding deemed to be “downmarket”, and they are roundly ridiculous and not just a little offensive.

1. Bachelor Parties

Instead of the traditional pre-marital romp, Hanson says intimate drinks is the sign of true class. Clearly he has never been invited to drink a pina colada through a penis shaped straw while singing Total Eclipse of the Heart at Karaoke.

I pity him.

2. Flesh

Hanson says bare shoulders and too much cleavage is a no-go. That sounds to me like straight-up breast-envy.

Granted, I do not think it’s polite to wear your nipples exposed to the world (and your grandmother) at your wedding, but if you want to not wear sleeves, or perhaps wear a dress with pockets for snacks, get on with your slutty and snacky self, Hanson be damned.

3. Hats

Lololol forever.

OK, so, at a very classy wedding you will notice that every woman is wearing a hat. This should be qualified with “at every classy ENGLISH” wedding every woman will be wearing a hat.

If I went to a stateside wedding and hats were required I would be like, what is this, are we on the Real Housewives suddenly, where is Slade Smiley, WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING?

4. Choice of Hymns

Our friend Hanson suggests picking hymns everyone knows, but that aren’t played out. Frankly I applaud any wedding where hymns are attempted. That’s putting a lot of trust in your guests, and that is a classy move.

Also I see nothing unclassy about singing some pop standards instead.

Wind Beneath by Wings or Rock Me Amadeus are great songs of celebration.

5. Recorded Music

Hanson is staunchly opposed to having any recorded music, claiming that human error is just too risky.

I think that this is because he wants to start a new career as a one man wedding band. It’s the only explanation.

6. The Procession

Apparently it is an American thing to have the bride enter the church last, who knew? William Hanson knew. William Hanson lives in fear of a procession pile-up and warns against the dangers of American excess.

That is because he wishes England gave ice with their sodas and does not understand the drama of the bride’s entrance.

7. The Groom’s Shoes

At first I thought his grievance was going to be over a man’s inability to pick shoes for himself. I can agree with this, having just burned the last pair of shoes my boyfriend bought himself.

But it turns out that Hanson’s concern is that they will leave a price tag on their shoes or that someone will write a sassy message on the sole that will be revealed when he kneels.

I can’t with this guy. Too bad there are no woman with naked shoulders around to help him chill.

8. High Heels

Hanson forbids them. Then he hands you a sheet with which to cover your female shame.

9. Chair Covers

AT LAST WE AGREE. I have never understood having chair covers. Like, putting a bow on an ugly chair does not make that chair less ugly.


10. Gold Thrones

I mean, I have never been to a wedding with a gold throne, but I kind of feel like if I walked into a reception hall and spotted a massive throne I’d be like “tonight is going to be nuts” and then I would walk to the bar expecting no less than an ice sculpture of the bride from which I could do many, many shots. 

11. The Groom’s Wedding Band.

I think it’s bit emasculating to call a man wearing a wedding band tacky. It shows a mutual respect, and a commitment to the vows he and his wife-to-be are making.

Now giant martini glasses as centerpieces, yes, that I will grant Hanson, is a bit “naff”.

What do you think?